the baby daydream

hi! i am a whiny brat.

2012-01-20T12:54:00.001-08:00

so...still here...still not pregnant.

some days i am like....oh IT WILL happen and i am so confident and think about outfits in seasons and sibling pictures.

other days....i feel like....it may never happen and i have to come to terms with that.

i know that may sound overly dramatic and i don't have a 'real' problem in the world of infertility....but it feels like that. i am not young. i am a "habitual aborter". and i try to be optimistic and patient and all those things you need to be but...it just starts to wear you down after a few months of trying and miscarrying and whatever.

so we are on to month #7 of ttc with one loss. it took 13 months with 2 miscarriages to get Milo. Lets see just how much it will take for the next one.

we are all set with the new car and saved baby clothes in tupperware. i have been taking all my vitamins for months and i am stocked with pregnancy tests and progesterone and all this bullshit that doesn't even matter....because crackheads can get pregnant. so does it matter if i take enough folic acid? sure. but will it guarantee me a baby? nope.

see...i haven't been blogging because i sound like this.

and i want to be happy for everyone that doesn't have to go through any of this and is pregnant...and i am. i am happy for everyone i know or don't know but am facebook friends with and watch from afar....i am happy because having a baby is so magical and amazing and it is so amazing when it happens for anyone....but i am so fucking jealous that it isn't happening for me yet and i know that makes me a whiny brat who is selfish and dumb and a bitch.

so fine.

did i mention i am PMSing?

ha!

oh and i am almost out of tampons but i will NOT buy more because i won't need them....because this is the LAST STUPID FUCKING PERIOD i will have for at least 10 months. SO THERE.

a bit belated...but...

2012-01-20T10:46:00.000-08:00

December!

2011-12-01T15:14:00.000-08:00

no longer on the bench.

and we just bought a car that seats 7. SEVEN. guess who plans to fill every available seat with a baby? ME. that's who.

that sound crazier than it is....4 of the seats are spoken for.....which really only leaves 3 seats. and the middle seat in the 3rd row doesn't really count....so....yeah....BABIES!

BRING IT.

wonder how many months it will take to get knocked up....again.....back to where i started.....wasn't it just August?

PS sort of annoying that i will either be getting my period or testing on Christmas. it is my favorite holiday.....and i just don't want anything to spoil it....it would be the ultimate gift to get a positive test that day....but i'm not holding my breath.....but just in case:

Dear Santa,

Please bring me a positive pregnancy test for christmas. Well, i guess i will be taking the test in my bathroom vanity i have been saving....so just fill my bladder with good urine. and put a baby in my uterus. but not your baby...my husband's. i know for this to happen we will need to get busy about 2 weeks before christmas....but i don't claim to understand how your magic works, Santa. i just want you to bring me this one gift, somehow. some way. positive pregnancy test. k? Bonus points if it actually sticks and turns out to be a baby.

2011-12-01T14:03:00.000-08:00

there is one, and only one, way to correctly make a turkey sandwich after thanksgiving.

1. white bread, mayo.

2. cranberry sauce on one side, stuffing on the other.

3. turkey goes on top of stuffing.

4. cranberry side goes on top of turkey side and BOOM. best sandwich EVER.

life

2011-11-30T22:41:00.000-08:00

I got pulled over for expired tabs yesterday. and then I got pulled over for expired tabs again about an hour later.

yep, that kind of day.

as I was sitting there....the first time....watching the cop write my ticket in the rear view, I realized that most of the time I don't feel or act like an adult. I have no idea what I am doing and I am totally irresponsible...but I have learned to fake it over the years.....which begs the question: why learn to fake it, when you could actually learn to take care of responsibilities like an adult?

Because, dear abandoned blog,

I was going to put an answer there that would make all sorts of sense.....but I couldn't get past this: I'm lazy. because I am too lazy to be a grown-up.

I was too lazy to renew my tabs. I am too lazy to clean the fridge or fold the clean laundry.

the moments I actually feel like an acceptable adult/wife/mom are the following:

1. after the cleaning lady comes each month.

that is it. that is the only time I feel like a grown up.

November means December is close...

2011-11-11T09:35:00.000-08:00

i know i have been a debbie downer lately....but no more! it is time to focus on my favorite time of the year.

warning: holiday cheer approaching.

Holiday Season Loves

1. eggnog
in coffee. use it to replace milk in recipes...like in pancakes, muffins, french toast, cakes. add some rum or bourban. add some ginger ale. did i mention it in coffee?

2. christmas music
i have been singing silent night to milo at bedtime for a couple weeks. i put on nat king coles christmas album on the record player daily. and listen while sipping eggnog coffee.

3. the smell of pine
oh how i love winter scented stuff. candles, soap, lotion, dishsoap. cedar, cinnamon, apple, pumpkin, pine, juniper, clove, nutmeg. there is nothing better than a warm house filled with the smell of pine and cinnamon.

4. cozy up
i love fires in the fireplace, warm blankets and a mug of something hot.....and alcoholic. have you tried a hot buttered rum? delish. and sweaters and scarves and boots and thick socks and coats and hats. mmmmmm.

5. gifts
for me. just kidding. i love shopping for gifts. this year i am going to try to only shop locally (in my neighborhood) to support our local shops....and i am also going to buy from etsy, because handmade gifts are way cooler than JUNK. if it is plastic and mass produced, i'm not buying it. this is going to be difficult with 2 kids....hmm.....is target considered a local shop? ha! i kid, i kid.

6. traditions
i really love coming up with our little families new traditions....and integrating some of our own childhood traditions. i love our elf tradition (my mom started this one in our family)....which is a gift on christmas eve which is always NEW PAJAMAS....which, as you know, is the only thing i wear. We are an atheist home, and have chosen not to include the idea of santa into our celebration....i mean, he is a part of it like a snowman is...and we still go get pics and all that....but we don't say that he is real and comes into our home to deliver gifts...the gifts are from us and santa is the mascot ;)

7. food
casseroles. roasts. apples. soups. stews. cookies. holiday baking. oh how i love food.

there are many people out there who dislike this time of year. they hate christmas music on the radio, hate shopping, hate eggnog and yuletide cheer. i am not one of those people. i LOVE THIS SHIT.

here are some pics from last year.....eeep! cant wait to get the tree!!

YES, i know it is mid November. and yes, i know there is still that Thanksgiving hurdle before I can decorate....but soo....very soon....

on the bench

2011-11-07T12:52:00.000-08:00

hi.
i dyed my hair. i am no longer blond and cheery. i am now an emo brunette. don't you love how hair color can change your entire personality? wait...it doesn't? pssssh. whatever. (the new emo brunette me is rolling my eyes and biting my nails and staring at the floor).

i never went back to the doctor. i was supposed to go get another blood draw to confirm everything was...complete. i hated that idea so much that i said...nope...not going to drive all the way to the clinic, sit in a waiting room, get a blood draw, and get another fucking "i'm sorry" phone call from Dr. Hotstuff. so a week ago the nurse called me and reminded me that we should wait out this cycle.

wait wait wait fucking wait wait WAIT WAIT FUCKING WAIT. wait to ovulate. wait to test. wait for confirmation. wait for doubling numbers. wait for phone calls. wait for ultrasounds. wait for miscarriages. wait for it to be complete. wait a cycle. repeat. wait. wait. wait.

moving on to happy subjects...

my friend sarah had a beautiful baby girl on Thursday and i got to be there and photograph the birth. it was incredible. birth is just so powerful. it is so amazing and magical. i felt so honored to be there....i wish i had a beautiful pic to post, but i used my friends camera....hopefully she will share some with me at some point...

Milo fills my heart up everyday.

words words words

2011-10-30T22:29:00.000-07:00

i have almost finished an entire bottle of wine...all by myself. if i squint my left eye i can almost see the letters on the keyboard. in other news, i baked a caramel apple upside down cake today.

tomorrow....is Halloween. it is also the day we got married. we dressed in costume. we kissed every anxious minute and took stupid pictures of the Seattle skyline. we were called back to the judges chambers and were told how important marriage is and i felt like she was scolding us...because...well, we were in costume and clearly not taking it very seriously. we giggled. my cheeks were flushed. i couldn't stop smiling. i think we were chewing gum. and it was the best thing i have ever done. my god, i love him. i am blown away every day by who he is. my husband. he is such a fantastic human.

a week ago, i was looking forward to our anniversary dinner...Indian food with no alcohol...we would talk about our growing family, what larger car to buy, how amazing everything is, how lucky we are....now... we will be drunk, eating the rawest fish possible....i will try to not burst into tears. things are still good. we are still very lucky for many things....but, we are also grieving and it sucks. it just sucks so fucking bad. it isn't just this miscarriage. it is all of them. they pile on top of each other. it is the fear of more. it is the crushing of hope. it is trying to celebrate with a shadow of pain hanging over you. it just sucks.

it has been a week. i think i am getting better. i feel slightly foolish for how hard i took this. there are no guarantees and i know that better than anyone.

anyhoooooooo....

i am going to go pass out now.

moving on...

2011-10-25T14:20:00.000-07:00

i took this one hard.

i have many thoughts on this. putting them down in words with structure seems impossible.

none of it is new. it has all been said. to get pregnant only to lose it....to want this person. this addition. to imagine, only for a second, this person joining your family. you see little hopeful pictures of the future. and then it goes away and you must say goodbye to that little potential future. yes, it will happen again and maybe result in a baby, but not like that. not now. not June 2012. and there it sits. until it passes and even then. it was to be a huge month. now it is just another page on a calender that will come and go. like August 2009. March 2010. June 2012.

i just wanted it so bad. not only because of the obvious...but because i didn't want to go through this again. i don't want to suffer like this again. i have not felt sadness in so long. my life is so amazing and i am so in love with my husband and children and i forgot what this felt like. to feel lost in your own sadness. to want to jump out of your body. to want to numb yourself. to feel broken and unable to just shake it off. it just is so consuming. and i have a beautiful life to get back to. so....i need to move on. it is just so disorienting. i know it has been...like a day...

i feel better than i did yesterday and i will feel better tomorrow. these things happen. but i just hate how people say that. it wasn't a thing that happened. it was a baby we wanted that will never be born into our life. so even though you know it happens and happens to everyone....it still was to be your child and now is gone. it was your future and now it isn't.

so....i'll grieve this....let go of that future.....and move on. i have another future to get to.

didn't stick

2011-10-24T06:03:00.000-07:00

started bleeding last night. i'm crushed. again.

i know it will all be ok. but right now i feel so, totally, completely devastated. again. fucking again.

5weeks

2011-10-20T13:33:00.001-07:00

and i can still eat. i will feel much better when i am gagging and unable to eat.

all of this seems very surreal and silly until i am puking and peeing my pants. then and only then will i believe any of it.

since i never lost the pudge from my last pregnancy, i already look about 5 months pregnant.... if i let it hang out instead of sucking it in.... or if i wear this.

which i just bought.

yep.

sure did.

because when you are knocked up you can wear tight stuff to show off your bump...even if the bump is just pudge that you always have. when a baby lives in there, it is cute. when no baby lives in there....it is very NOT CUTE.

numbers

2011-10-19T12:48:00.001-07:00

doc said numbers are good.....even though they sound low to me...he said they are doubling the way they should be...

12 dpo, hcg was 20
16 dpo, hcg was 72

so....still very early....i am going to wait for 2 weeks before I even schedule the first ultrasound.

time is never slower than it is in pregnancy. luckily i have a toddler to distract me. here he is hiding, one of our favorite games:

to take my mind off it...

2011-10-16T11:51:00.001-07:00

crafting! i have been making these little bird ornaments. i make one a day....and will be putting them on christmas gifts...so, if you know me, expect one on your christmas gift :) i was thinking about selling them for a couple bucks on etsy....but i doubt anyone would buy them...they are "rustic"...all wonky and hand sewn....but that is sort of what i like about them...charm!

here we go again

2011-10-16T11:39:00.000-07:00

i remember this feeling. it wasn't that long ago. it is fear. and then excitement. back to fear. daydream planning. then shaking it out of my thoughts. numbing it. pushing it away. and then joy. and then fear. fear. fear. then calm. peace. zen. what will be, will be. out of my hands. confidence. but then that all goes away when i remember. so i try to not think about any of it. which doesn't work. welcome to my crazy.

now we wait. and wait. and see if it sticks. it will, right? first beta was friday. next one will be tuesday.

socks and stuff

2011-09-28T10:25:00.000-07:00

i have so many things i should be cleaning right now.

clothes, diapers, dishes, floors, toilets, counter tops, windows...

cleaning with a Taz tornado is sort of a buzz kill. you don't get that great satisfying feeling of looking at the good job you did...because everything you clean is immediately covered with a new mess as the tornado follows your around....

Milo can hear the dishwasher open from 2 floors away and comes hauling ass into the kitchen to climb inside and chuck knives at me. then he runs to his room and grabs toys and throws them in the dishwasher, along with his sippy cup, socks, sandwich...

it is a super fun game.

see how instead of cleaning, i am blogging? so glad to be back and have another excuse to procrastinate.

let's talk about laundry for a family of 4 plus cloth diapers.

annoying.

remember when you lived alone and laundry was like once a week....or maybe once every 2 weeks....and you would walk tot the laundromat with one basket and it took maybe 2 loads and you read a book and sipped a latte and watched clothes spin in dryers and it all felt so indie movie-esque and sort of grown up in a cool college way?

i don't remember those days either.

because my brain is mush and i am swimming in laundry. piles of man socks. how many socks does one man need? i think Dan has 5000 pairs of white socks. baby PJ's. tween jeans. disgusting cloth diapers (who's idea was this?) and of course all my elastic waist loungewear...because i refuse to wear anything that makes me feel fatter...like anything that isn't pajamas. everything i own has a Milo handprint in yogurt smeared on it. last night i took off my tanktop and half a granola bar fell out.

i thought this was the future. where is my fucking laundry robot?

on a side note: nothing, NOTHING, inspires me to clean, like watching an episode of hoarders.

a season has come and gone.

2011-09-27T11:27:00.000-07:00

ok. it has been too long. i will blog. i will. i know i have said this before.....this time i mean it because we FINALLY HAVE INTERNET. it has been years. i mean, yes we have 3g and ipads and iphones.....but i apparently only blog from my laptop on the internet.

nothing really all that exciting is going on, i mean, other than the internet. i am happy and fat and baking with pumpkin every day. summer was great. we did a good amount of summertime fun activities like pool and sprinkler and bbqs and sleepovers on the deck and mommy drank a good amount of vodka mixed with lemonade.

Now it is fall and all is cozy. i busted out the crockpot. i dusted off the uggs and found my favorite scarf.

i want to get knocked up again...but my body has other plans i guess. i am still breastfeeding. Gasp! what? ew! i know. Tell him that because he thinks it is COOL as hell. the boy loves nursing and is showing no signs of slowing down.

i feel very ho-hum these days... i am content and happy....but i feel like i need a kick in the ass. i wear jams all day. i shower once a week. ok, maybe twice. i don't wear makeup. i only wear my glasses. so..yes, i let myself go. it happens. i should start running again but the babysitter moved and i hate running strollers.

i am boring myself to tears even writing this.

i blame the internet, but really i stopped blogging because i have turned into a lump of boring, dumb chub. my brain is mush.

enough about me and how awesome i am, lets talk about Milo.
he is 16 month and likes to climb on everything. like the dining room table. and once up there he does a little tapdance. he likes to run around and destroy stuff. like he'll rip books down from the book case and rip pages out and when you are picking up the books he will run to the laundry basket of clean, folded clothes and in a blur they are all over the house and he is screaming and dumping his leaky sippy cup all over everything and as you are picking up the clothes he takes off his diaper and pees on the floor and then stomps in it and.....
well, you get the point.
but he also will grab my hand and hold it in the cutest way and lead me around....and he likes to play with his little cars and trains and he loves books and will bring me a book and plop down in my lap and cuddle in and i melt every time. oh i love it.

i am still babywearing. still cloth diapering, still breastfeeding. and back to having another baby daydream....but that is another post...

here are some pics:

Kira

2011-04-27T16:39:00.000-07:00

I have been meaning to post some pics and give an update...Courtney's Sister, Kelly, made a site for Kira and it has all of Courtney's updates...they are very moving and honest and most of them make me cry...she writes about this experience in a very raw, vulnerable way...please go here and click on "Updates"

there is also a place where you can donate to their medical fund...

here is the first pic they posted on facebook after this whole ordeal started...i took this on my second visit... a couple days before her surgery. She truly has the most amazing smile...

and then these are from one of Milo's visits...this is after her surgery and before she started the high fat diet of butter and cream and cheese to fatten her little cheeks back up :)

11 months!

2011-04-11T16:28:00.001-07:00

breastfeeding

2011-03-22T18:48:00.001-07:00

I am very pro-breastfeeding for all the obvious reasons. With Riley, I told myself I had to nurse for at least 6 months. Then a year rolled around and I couldn't imagine stopping. Another important part of breast-feeding is how it stops....and for me...self weaning is the only thing that seems right. So Riley self weaned down to 2 times a day, morning and night, at 14 months. And then by 18 months she was down to just one feeding at night before bed. She easily let this go when I offered her a bottle of warm water at bedtime. Yes, water. (I was very weird....still am I guess....but I think cows milk is so gross and couldn't imagine giving it to a baby). Nursing her for 18 months was great. She was ready to stop and I was emotionally ready for her to move on.

It is slightly different with Milo. As I mentioned, he bites. Riley never bit. He bit so hard once in january when he was cutting his second top tooth, that I had this horrible, painful puncture wound that felt like I was being stabbed every time he latched for 3 weeks. He flails and thrashes around, latching and unlatching and it is like holding a bag of kittens. Wild, feral kittens on crack. In a bag that weighs 20 lbs.

Another thing is this: I would like to have another baby. Not right this second....but yes, in the next 6 months or so, We would like to start trying again (I say "we"....but have not really told my husband yet). I want him to have a sibling close in age...no more than 2 1/2- 3 years apart....which means I need to start trying in August. As in THIS august. Weird, right?
I am one of those weird chicks that doesn't get her period, thus making it impossible to pregnant, as long as I am breastfeeding. Even after I was down to the 2 nursings a day with Riley....and then not at all past 18 months....i didn't get my period again until she was almost 2.

So....what to do. The best part is that Milo will not take a bottle, pacifier, sippy cup....

Ug.

Don't get me wrong, I still love it 90% of the time. I am not ready to give it up, and I really don't think that is even possible right now. I have no idea how I would even begin....it is still such a huge part of mothering right now. I nurse, on demand, many times a day. And when he is not a biting bag of feral kittens, I love it. It is so cozy and warm. It is the only time he really slows down and cuddles (he is very busy right now, like most 10 month olds) and I love that I have a food source, ready to whip out, anywhere, anytime. And if that grosses you out, well, you should probably look away.... :)

Kira

2011-03-22T17:44:00.000-07:00

my best friend from college....one of my most favorite people in world...has a baby girl, Kira, who is one month younger than Milo...and last week Kira had croup...my friend didn't like the way her breathing sounded so took her to the ER...they admitted her and put her on oxygen for the night....but then next day she wasn't better...then they decided to put her on a ventilator because she was having a lot of trouble breathing....and then the doctor couldn't get the tube down her throat. so the did an emergency scope and discovered she has a web of cartilage blocking her airway and vocal chords. (this explains the cute, soft, raspy voice she has always had...and her wheezing that her pediatrician said was nothing to worry about).

So they gave her a tracheotomy. then the next day her lungs collapsed and her trach failed. so they put tubes in her lungs and re-did the trach. so Kira was totally sedated, with a feeding tube, a trach, and a ventilator. imagine seeing your baby like that. imagine not being able to hold your baby, nurse them, comfort them....

i can't put in words how this feels. no words really capture the feeling in your chest when your friend is watching her baby struggle for life. her whole life has crashed in front of her...

and you read stories of these type of things happening to people....but they never happen to you..your family...your best friend's 9 month old baby. until it does.

and i just want her better.

and i keep looking at Milo and crying. because he is healthy and i love him so much. every time i complain about his biting or his lack of sleeping....i am then flooded with the realization that he is healthy. and i should just squeeze him and cuddle him and enjoy all of this. take a deep breath when it gets stressful, and enjoy.

Kira is now stable. she is being lifeflighted to Seattle Childrens tomorrow (they live in Montana). She will have surgery later this week to remove the cartilage...

so, here i am, asking for everyone to send healing thoughts to Kira.

i took this pic in January when they visited...

babywearing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2011-03-22T16:58:00.000-07:00

pics from the last couple months

2011-03-22T16:47:00.000-07:00

monster baby

2011-03-22T16:31:00.000-07:00

i feel like i am dodging collections when i think about this blog. it is like that "oh crap!! i know! i know, i know I KNOW!! i just keep FORGETTING to send the check!!" feeling....i have been meaning to update for so long....and then i forget and then i feel crappy about it.

i mean....not that i get collections phone calls or anything. well, not since college. but who doesn't get sent to collections in college, right?

ummm...

moving on!

i am sure no one reads this anymore....because that is what happens when you stop blogging....but i am going to try to be better...really....seriously...

Milo is 10 months. He likes playing with his dirty clothes basket (takes all the dirty clothes out and flings there all over the room), the dishwasher, the heat vent, and the plunger.

those are his go-to fave toys.

he bites like a piranha, scratches, pinches, headbutts....

so, as you can see, it is all roses and gumdrops around here.

just a little post baby self loathing.

2011-03-22T13:56:00.000-07:00

i wrote this about about 6 weeks ago...forgot to post...whoopsie!

My first born turned 8 last friday. EIGHT. I know what you are thinking, I don't look/ act old enough to have an 8 year old. I know, I know. Go on.

We went to a tea with 3 of her friends. 8 is this weird contrast of still being little enough to have a tea party and want to sit next to the stuffed teddy bear....with singing every lyric of that obnoxious song "alllll around the worllllld....can you hear me? Alllll around the world, city to city". On the drive home one of her cute little friends had a little handheld nintendo D-somethingerather thingiemabob that you can play AWESOME games on and it takes pictures.....and she was on this little game thing the whole tea party. And when I asked about it she said "it is only $250".

So I kind of wanted to break it into a thousand pieces and tell her that she should tell her parents that $250 would be better spent on some MANNERS....but I didn't.

Which brings me too: the rage.

What is up with this weird post-partum hormonal rage fest?

Wait.

Am I just an asshole?

No, no. I assure you....I may be an asshole at times, yes. And I do have these visions of doing and saying asshole like things all the time...but, who doesn't? Right? Anyone?

But....I mentioned the funk before. This is common. Ask any new-ish mom. There is a time, after you emerge from the post infant blur/ fog/ cloud....where the lines are all so blurry and you must redefine where you start and the baby stops and where oh where did the "me" go? The me that is not a mom of a baby, the me that wears real clothes not just pink pajama pants and old navy tank tops, the me that remembers to shower and wear mascara.

So I went through the funk. I felt fat and pathetic and FRUMP. Oh god, so frumpy. Pathetically frump....and pissed about it. I am not frump. I am hot. I am fun. I am sexy. I am fucking hilarious and I can flirt the pants off men and women. But I had to remember this because when I looked in the mirror and FRUMP looked back at me....I believed it. I was like, oh. Hi. This is you now, I guess. Well, ok.

So yeah. Funk. Then....anger. Hormonal anger. Anger directed at myself for agreeing, even for a minute, that I was frump.

And then I got the worst haircut of my life. I am not overreacting here. It was like the floppy butt cut of boys in 1993. The long bowl-ish butt flop top over short sides. And I wanted to claw my face off. I was a miserable human for....oh about a week. Which is too long to hate yourself when you have a family to love and a life to get back too.

Funny how it all builds....and one day you get a haircut and the tree branch snaps and the avalanche levels the side of a mountain. The tree branch was my hair. The snow on top of that tree branch? A sick baby the week before....the lack of sleep, the spoiled, rude 8 year old, the fat loaf belly in the mirror, not getting carded for booze, some comment from my mom that was of course innocent like all insulting comments from my mom....it all builds and builds...and then *snap*

After a week of rage, I hired a babysitter, went running, bought a tanning package, went tanning, took a shower, shaved my furry legs and pits, and got a new HOT haircut.

watch out, world, i'm back.

Stuff

2011-01-30T10:57:00.000-08:00

In a attempt to get organized I bought a filing box thingie. While chatting with Dan about the new me with a "system" I grabbed a pen and started filling out the labels for my new files. I looked down at my first label and was about to slide it into the little plastic tab....only to realize I wrote "stuff".

Good thing I will have a file for stuff. The piles of stuff around the house will be much easier to dig through now that it is all jammed into a file.

Moments like this make me think I was dropped as a baby. I am waiting for the truth, mom.

Anyway.....

Thoughts:

I've never liked rules. I don't like mainstream anything. I am very skeptical of anyone claiming to have answers...even doctors and teachers....especially them. I don't trust easily. I think there is always another agenda. I see recipes as suggestions.

In parenting, there is always someone with an answer. Some of them are based in fact....but anyone can find facts that fit their argument these days.

I say this....because we selectivly vaccinate using a delayed schedule. I will not let my boy "cry it out". Ever. We didn't circumcise and I see it as such a barbaric, horrible, outdated tradition....to cut off any part of my baby for cosmetic reasons....especially the most sensitive part of his genitals simply because that is what Americans do.....well.....it gives me nightmares.

But like me, everyone has an opinion. And that is fine. Parenting is empowering because we get to decide what is right for our families. I get to make these choices. I don't use a stroller. I will breastfeed on demand for as long as I can. I use cloth diapers because that is what works for us and it makes me feel less guilty than filling a landfill with shit.

We all do what we think it right and what works best for our families. I am no better and no worse than other parents. I have opinions. We all do.

Not sure why I am typing this....other than every once in awhile I come across a preachy blog about how I am a bad parent if I don't vaccinate. And sometimes people I know suggest to let Milo just cry in his crib. And I just realized that their are moms out there that read 20 books a day to their 8 month old and I barely talk to Milo, let alone read to him. I kid. But really. Joking. But seriously.

For the record, I never read to Riley as an infant and she is an advanced reader. Just saying. I also never taught her sign language and she has no problem communicating....just last Friday she yelled "I hate you" loud and clear.

Badum ching!

Crickets.

I just realized I may come off as preachy. Am I preachy in my dislike of preachiness? I don't try to be.

My point: No matter what you do and how you parent, it will always be your fault when your grown child writes "stuff" on a filing label.

room

2011-01-13T17:39:00.000-08:00

holla back!

2011-01-08T16:03:00.000-08:00

it has been a long time, blog.

the last couple months have been a blur....the holidays are normally like that, i guess. we sold our old house and it closed dec 17....before it closed we were scrambling to fix things found in the inspection, clean out a disgusting storage shed full of mold and mildew and spiders and my old high school notebooks of poetry, my homecoming velvet dress, tupperware full of old sheets and towels...you get the point.

then we had Christmas. in the new house. it was a dream. i love our home. i love our little family of four. i love the stockings hung above the fireplace.

this was also are first year WITHOUT SANTA. i know, we are heartless heathens. but i had started it with riley...dan and i got married and i learned of his objections (he was not raised with santa) and so we decided to not have that be a part of our celebration as soon as Riley discovered the truth. As atheists, we already celebrate for a different reason than some (i was never raised with Christ being any part of Christmas)...but to remove Santa completely from Christmas...well it took some time for me to adjust to the idea. When i finally understood that we could still celebrate, we could still have traditions, we could still have all the magic....WITHOUT having to lie about a fake man with a beard flying around delivering gifts...well, it was a relief. and Christmas was magical. it was fantastic and i loved it.
(i feel about this the same way i feel about being atheist, we have incredible love, morals, tradition and complete joy in our family without believing in god)

anyhoooooo....

Milo loves peaches. He hates bananas. he loves Coco (the awful, bad, horrible dog) and his big sister. he smiles every time Riley walks in a room. he crawls everywhere and we are working on sleep training. he is still nursing a lot....but also eating baby oatmeal, carrot puree, peach puree, and green beans....and paper. he eats, or tries to eat, A LOT of paper. i fish huge chunks of paper out of the roof of his mouth multiple times a day.

now lets talk about me.

i cut off all my hair. i went on a free for all sugar and alcohol binge for the last 2 months, i have some sort of tendonitis in my right wrist from holding a baby...or maybe holding the ipad....not sure which. i still have not had my period and it bugs me....still have 10 lbs to lose (er, make that 15) and i AM OBSESSED WITH BABYWEARING. please see post below for pics. i think about babywearing all day long. i look at online photos of wraps. WRAPS. long pieces of woven fabric. seriously. i need to get out more.

side note: should i change the name of this blog? i mean...it is pretty neglected anyway....but...it isn't a daydream anymore. it is a very real reality! remember when it was a daydream? i do. that was not very fun. but at least i blogged back then. it is like when you have an awful boyfriend you can write constantly about how awful they are...and when you have an amazing boyfriend you have nothing to say because you are too busy being happy. or it may not be like that at all....but i just thought of it because i have these mildewy notebooks full of bad bad bad poetry (i use that word loosely) about LOSERS. but not anything about my husband....well not really....i am sure i have some on my other old neglected blog...

point is that i am not trying to have a baby anymore so i don't have as much to write about. and the blogs that write about what their kid eats are boring. and i just wrote about what Milo is eating. fuck. i am going to solve this. i will find something interesting to blog about.....i swear. any input would be appreciated.

XO

bathtime

2011-01-08T14:09:00.001-08:00

nakey boy!!!

Milo is almost 8 months. he is crawling everywhere and is FAST. like as soon as he touches the floor there is a skidding sound and a blur of baby. he also pulls himself to stand on everything, and will only use one hand to hold himself up....crazy, right?
wasn't he just born?

babywearing

2011-01-08T13:48:00.001-08:00

i am sort of obsessed. sort of like i was about cloth diapers when i was pregnant.

i could go on and on about why and the benefits for both baby and mom.....but i really just hate strollers with a passion....and wraps are so pretty...

christmas 2010

2011-01-08T13:45:00.001-08:00

7 months

2011-01-08T13:31:00.000-08:00

december pics

2010-12-09T16:25:00.000-08:00

Just a couple....

2010-11-22T21:56:00.000-08:00

Rules:

If you just finally got the baby to sleep....you will have to sneeze.

As soon as the baby is in clean clothes.... He will spit up on everything.

The baby can hear you pop open a beer and sit down from a mile away.

Every single day, during nap time, the dog will bark at the mailman.

nov pics

2010-11-03T16:08:00.000-07:00

almost 6 months!

2010-11-03T15:08:00.000-07:00

i can't believe it has almost been 6 months. half a year. 24 weeks.

i get pretty emotional thinking about how brief this stage is...how in a blink my newborn turned to a babbling baby and i know in another blink he will be a toddler. i try to really enjoy these days....but he is changing before my eyes so fast...and i just love everything about him right now. well....almost everything. oh! let's make lists.

What i LOVE right now about Milo:
-the way he always reaches out to gently cup my face in his hands
-how he fits easily in my arms and on my lap
-he is not so heavy that i can't carry him around
-if i put him down on the floor with some toys he stays there and happily plays
-this list will get very long so lets move on to.....

What i DO NOT LOVE right now about Milo:
-biting while nursing
-scratching my face off with his tiny claw hands and bear trap fists
-those same fists in my hair, around earrings

I started giving him small amounts of Oat Cereal (rice cereal just makes me think of paste...not sure if oat is really much better, but it sounds better...right?) at 5 months. i mix it with a little warm water and some fruit/veggie puree. i have made applesauce, pears, sweet potatoes...and i also have bought some of the organic hippie baby food (no, i do not and WILL NOT use gerber, yes i know i am a crazy hippie....but seriously..GMI's? no thanks)....his favorite so far is "peach banana oatmeal" which is technically a stage 2 for 6 months and up. gasp! breaking rules! anyway, he is now pretty good at eating and most of it actually goes down his throat instead of back out and down his chin, into his hands, spread all over his face, table, clothes, me, my clothes...he even motor boated once after a huge bite....and it sprayed all OVER MY FACE. luckily, i wasn't wearing makeup and i was still in my pajamas i had been wearing for, oh 3 months, and so i just wiped it off with my shirt. WIN!

other glamorous things:

-i am not sure how it works, but i am at my pre-pregnancy weight and have been for awhile...but i have this huge, gross, jiggly, FAT, mass in my middle. this can't even be called a tummy. it is so far beyond a jiggly tummy. it is just so weird and unattractive and makes no sense. if i were to take a picture of just my middle and have you guess "how much does this woman weigh?" you would guess 250lbs. so i guess i must just have silly looking twig legs, average sized arms and head, and the torso of an elephant.
because of this, i thought i would try a fad diet. i am an all or nothing type of dieter. i don't do well with limitations or moderation. so i decided to try the caveman diet...cutting dairy, soy, corn, wheat, rice, sugar....so everything except meat, most veggies and fruit. and the meat is supposed to be all fancy grass fed, hormone free, free range, happy frolicking, live in the countryside at a spa before it is gently murdered.
This diet made me pretty angry....after about day 4. WHAT THE FUCK. i seriously do not understand how and why anyone would want to live like this. sure, as a cleanse....it was fine. BUT LIFE IS NOT WORTH LIVING WITHOUT: cheeseburgers, chocolate chip cookies, and butter. NOT WORTH LIVING. this realization was pretty profound. i will keep the weird chub loaf around my middle if it means i get to enjoy a hot chocolate and a sugar cookie. i refuse to "change my relationship with food" in order to be a cavewoman...and i get that maybe my body is supposed to be a machine and only needs fuel to survive while i am grunting and running from bears and trying to figure out fire....but guess what....I AM NOT A FUCKING CAVEWOMAN! i am a very, very, modern, butter loving fattie and i am OK WITH THAT!

after i failed the caveman diet i found myself in a funk for about a day. i did a lot of thinking and eating....and i have decided that i just need a makeover!! i need to wax my eyebrows because it has been...2 years? since my last wax. i am also going to get a crazy new haircut next week. crazy even for this bleached blond pixie girl. that's right....CRAZY.
i think part of my funk is this: i am getting old. things are not as cute anymore. where before i could go put on some hot heels and a fun dress and lip gloss and instantly feel better about myself after failing a fad diet....now i....well, i still try that but i look pretty silly. all the sudden i look like i am trying too hard. it feels sort of.....pathetic. so instead i will wax my eyebrows and get a shaggy mohawk.

i realize how this sounds. but believe me....it will work.

halloween!

2010-11-01T16:15:00.000-07:00

toofs!

2010-10-21T16:02:00.001-07:00

October

2010-10-15T13:46:00.000-07:00

October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month.

On one hand.... This bothers me. I don't need to be reminded. I don't like that I was going along... Happily enjoying my Friday and something was on facebook and then bam! I am forced to think about something unpleasant, something tragic. And do we really need awareness? Isn't it just another tragic part of life? Aren't we aware enough?

And then the other hand is.... I felt lost. I felt horribly alone. Not because they don't happen. Not because i wasn't aware it could happen to me.... But because NO ONE likes to talk about it. Because it hurts. And it scares the shit out of people.

Anyway. Today it is a crisp, sunny, fall day. The leaves are yellow and the sky the brightest blue. My baby boy and I are under a blanket, belly to belly. Every single day I look at him, and my chest feels full. Like I might explode. The tears fall and the love pours out. I look at him and think "I wanted you so much, and it was worth all the pain along the way". I look at him and feel totally happy, totally in love. And every single day I remember the babies that didn't stay. The two potential children I had for moments in my belly. I think about them and wonder what they would have looked like...I remember the pain and heartbreak of saying goodbye. Every. Single. Day. I think about them because they were on my journey to here... In a cozy bed with Milo.

So, I don't need a month for awareness. But I do hope it helps women talk about their losses.

Thinking of all my friends who have had a loss...

more of 5 months

2010-10-13T13:51:00.001-07:00

5 months

2010-10-13T13:41:00.000-07:00

4 months...with dad...

2010-10-13T13:31:00.000-07:00

i suck.

2010-10-13T13:10:00.000-07:00

poor blog.

ok.....

milo is 5 months! he has 2 teeth that just poked through...so lots of high pitched pterodactyl sounds fill the house. he also stopped sleeping through the night for about a week...which was awesome. what else....he is amazing and a joy and very noisy.

enough about him....let's talk about me. i had a root canal. then my brother in law came to stay with us for a month. i also have a broken bottomless stomach. i am never full and always want to binge on crap. this may sound cute or fun...but it is gross and a bit horrifying....even for me. i think my husband has actually started hiding food from me...because i am like a vulture and will pick the pantry clean. i can eat an entire bag of chocolate covered pretzels in 5 minutes. ready.....go!

(milo has just reached a new level of scream. it is now so high pitched it is silent and all the dogs in the neighborhood are freaking the fuck out and my ears are bleeding)

last thing before i go....

the bumbo seat....you know where it says something like...don't put on elevated surfaces.....yeah...follow that advice. even if you are right there. even if it is in the center of the island in the kitchen while you are making a delicious fall soup. even if you are talking to the baby about safe things and soft surfaces.....your baby could suddenly...with no warning and no previous escape attempts....arch his back, fling himself out, flip in the air and land on the FLOOR. then there will be silence. then a horrible scream and you will cry and examine every inch of your baby looking for broken things or blood or brain injuries. it will be all your fault.

just don't do it. keep it on the nice soft floor....surrounded by blankets, foam and bubble wrap.

k bye!

sister

2010-08-30T14:36:00.000-07:00

milo, 14 weeks

2010-08-30T14:12:00.000-07:00

Nap

2010-08-27T08:32:00.000-07:00

Just poured myself a celebratory second cup of coffee and am blogging in a silent house because the boy is napping in his crib. Why is this a big deal, you ask? Doesn't he always nap? Well, here is the deal. Milo naps, yes. Milo needs lots of rocking, shushing, back rubbing, nursing....and most importantly, Milo prefers to nap in our bed, with me beside him. Yes, i know this is my own damn fault. Yes, I know I am a lousy mom and dumb and doing everything wrong. Yes I know all the damage caused by attachment parenting and I know those kids that are sleep trained, weaned, take pacifiers, ride in strollers, sit in disposable diapers, get 13 vaccines at once and NAP by themselves are all going to be doctors and lawyers and Milo will be cleaning toilets begging for his mom to rub his back. Yes, yes, yes. I know!!! Ok.....so anyway......today, I put him down in his crib.....awake.....turned on his lil music elephant......left the room.....and HOLY shit people!! He is asleep! Don't worry, he is in a crib with bumpers (hazard!) toys (not toys! He could suffocate!) a cute accent pillow ( what?! Gasp!) blankets, razorblades, plastic bags, gasoline, lighters, and no, he is not swaddled in some trendy swaddling bullshit sack. Yes, I am still a failure of a mom, a silly hippy who smells like falafel, breastfeeds in public and refuses to use Johnson& johnson products.

I wish there was someone here to give me a high five.

3 months

2010-08-25T13:11:00.001-07:00

Since I can't upload photos from my iPad to my blog (grrrrr)......please go here to see a couple 3 month photos:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/buttercream/4926952011/

Hello blog!

2010-08-25T12:01:00.000-07:00

Oh hi poor neglected blog! I know I swore I wouldn't do exactly what I did...but that is life with an infant, I suppose. Well....an infant, and a move. And it is summer. And I find blogging on the iPad a pain in the ass. I know, enough excuses....

Moving with a baby during the hottest weekend of the summer.....pretty amazing. The universe has a funny way of saying "fuck you, Dana"....like I just went to Ikea and bought a couch and when I got home there was a coupon in the mailbox for $25 off at ikea if you spend over $250. Which I did.
I know it is incredibly selfish to think the universe cares enough about me to control when I get a coupon. This happens to be my main issue with religion. It all seems very selfish....like god would give a crap about me and my dinky little "problems".... That I would even assume he/she/it would hear my pleas for better weather or a safe flight or to find my missing fave t-shirt....even for my fathers health in the middle of cancer scare 2008, seems so completely silly when the earth has issues like mass rape/ murder/ genocide/ starvation/ war/ hate/ torture.....drought.... Fires......floods.....earthquakes....nevermind the fact that I simply find it hard to rationalize believing in the invisible...

Whoa!! I step away from blogging for a minute and look what happens! I need to focus.

So Milo is a baby with very immediate needs. He is very vocal about these needs. He also prefers being held, constant new things to look at, and will not take a bottle. He must nurse every couple hours, for at least a couple minutes or else his head will explode. He has blue eyes, loves water and bath time, hates carseats, and has a smile that has made me burst into tears a number of times. Oh boy does he make my heart grow daily.

I also have a new appreciation for my mother, who I would die without. Or at least I would be out of my noggin, babbling in the corner.... Or I would be shit faced drunk all the time. But no....thanks to my mom....I get stuff done...like shower weekly.

We still cosleep. Still love cloth diapers. We moved and I didn't have a nervous breakdown. I am madly in love with my husband, my dramatic, sassy little girl, my chubby thighed baby boy, my beautiful new house with a front porch, garden and nook, and really......life has never been so good.

How to have a nervous breakdown: vol 1

2010-07-29T11:46:00.000-07:00

Day one of project 'move to new house': drive to home depot for boxes. Baby screams. Can't carry boxes plus baby. Boxes fit awkwardly in cart. Baby screaming continues. Self checkout. Try to scan large awkward boxes. Need assistance. Baby freaking the eff out. Pay for boxes. Struggle to get boxes in car. Get home. Baby furious. Try to tape up just one box. Tape end disappears. Screaming baby. Tape sticks to itself. Tape in crumpled ball. Tape not cutting on cut edge. Baby losing mind. Finallly tape ONE box. Nurse baby. Cry. Deep breaths.

Boxes packed: 0

Days till move: 7

2 months

2010-07-14T14:08:00.000-07:00

7 weeks

2010-07-01T16:12:00.000-07:00

6 weeks

2010-06-23T20:33:00.000-07:00

Father's Day...Milo is clearly intimidated by the prison tats.

frog belly!

2010-06-20T09:44:00.000-07:00

look at me, Nana!

(cloth shout out: bumgenius one size)

more dipes

2010-06-20T09:38:00.001-07:00

:)

a grobaby and a rumparooz

5 weeks

2010-06-20T09:35:00.000-07:00

when will i stop doing weekly photos, you ask? never! muah ha ha ha ha!

one month

2010-06-20T09:29:00.000-07:00

dipes!

2010-06-04T10:52:00.001-07:00

on top is his night dipe, a blueberry mini...also the fluffiest because it is a pocket dipe with a double insert. but it fits great and holds a lot of pee.

then we have our xs thirstie aio. love these! they didn't fit until after 8 lbs though. now they fit great with room to grow.

last, one of my many xs bumgenious aio's. these have fit great since week one. they are running out of velcro over his tummy, but still fit and have never leaked or had any blowouts.
(in fact, the only blowout we have had was with a disposable).

i tried a size small bumgenious on him a couple days ago and it is still a lil big. cant wait to try more of my stash!

ps i have no pics of the lil joey by rumparooz. it sucks. looks cute but holds nothing. don't waste your money on them.

3 weeks

2010-06-04T10:20:00.000-07:00

2 weeks

2010-06-04T10:09:00.000-07:00

Oh hi!

2010-06-01T18:08:00.000-07:00

I have been having some technical difficulties I won't bore anyone with....but a domino effect happened with the introduction of the iPad....resulting in two sick laptops in need of new operating systems.....

I still need to sync said iPad to my laptop (with upgraded system) in order to get my photos on here. And yes, it is a huge pain in the ass.

But the iPad is so new and hip and shiny!!!! And I look so cool tappa tappa tappa-ing on it! (remember that episode of Simpsons when Lisa was taking tap lessons and the only instructions the teacher would say were "tappa tappa tappa"? Because I do. And apparently I am one of those annoying people that quote Simpsons).

I will get to the baby, but first I have more important news. I ordered groceries from Amazon Fresh!!! They will be dropped off on my doorstep tomorrow morning!!! I don't even have to answer the door and, god forbid, interact with anyone! I don't have to cover my huge dripping breasts, I don't have to brush my teeth, I don't even have to brush the dreads out of my hair! I mean, this is amazing. Not only do I get out of driving to the store, but I don't even have to make eye contact with anyone!! AND I GET FREE CUPCAKES. Whoooboy.

*update* it was delivered this AM before I was out of bed! Just like Santa! And they even gave me flowers! I'm in love.

Milo is more adorable every minute. I swear he smiled at me today. And not one of his gassy smiles. Or one of those weird sleeping smiles with eyes rolling back. It was a real smile. He spit up a ton of milk. Looked right into my eyes and smiled. He is a genius. Obvs. And a brat for thinking that was a good time to flash me his first gummy smile.

We are loving cloth diapers and will post some baby in dipe pics as soon as I figure out the whole syncing business.

I also have his 2 week photos to post. Man, I am behind.

Fun stuff after having a baby:

- hemrroidal pads and HUGE maxi pads are on display in my bathroom and I don't care.
- sometimes, if I think about peeing or simply turn on a faucet, I pee my pants.
- ummm.... Night sweats. Awesome. Sometimes even my hair is wet.
- I take 3 stool softeners a day and still don't poop. I am going to up my dose to 6 a day and see what happens. If you need me, I will be in the bathroom screaming for the next week.

having a baby is the best diet ever!

2010-05-20T08:15:00.000-07:00

Weight loss:

week one: 26 lbs

left to lose for pre-preg weight: 19 lbs

Milo: one week!

2010-05-19T19:17:00.000-07:00

The Birth

2010-05-17T11:44:00.000-07:00

I took a very long walk on Tuesday. It was beautiful and sunny, and Riley rode her bike while I waddled briskly behind. During the walk I had some contractions...nothing serious... But enough to keep me excited. That evening, starting around 5pm, I had constant lower back pain. It lasted until around 11pm and was relieved when Dan gave me a massage. I went from thinking it was a pre labor sign to thinking I had overdone my walk.

I woke up early on Wednesday, around 5am, aware that I had been cramping on and off while sleeping for an hour or so. I started timing them around 6am. They were 5-8 mins apart, lasting about a minute. They felt like menstrual cramps that started in my lower back, then wrapped around to the front. I got up and got Riley dressed and to the bus stop. I told her that I thought it was the day and Nana would be meeting her at the bus stop after school if I was in labor. Dan had a meeting that morning, I called my mom to come over while Dan was gone and decided to take a bath. The bath totally stopped the contractions. CRAP! So I got out to see if they would come back. My mom showed up. It was around 9am.

My mom and I did some cleaning up, then went for a walk. The contractions came back, this time coming every 2 mins, lasting around 20 secs each. They were slightly more intense, but I could still walk and talk through them. When we got home, I was having a lot of "bloody show". But it seemed more watery to me then mucusy. I showed my mom, yes, I have no limits when it comes to sharing gross bodily fluids, and she said "you're leaking, you idiot". So I called my midwife and told her I wasn't sure if I was leaking or not, she told me to come in to get checked.

I was still unsure at this point. I knew something was happening... But not sure how long I would be in this pre-labor. I was calm and excited. Dan got home and we drove to the midwife office around 12:30. It was such a gorgeous day in Seattle. Perfect blue sky, warm and sunny. The midwife checked and determined it was not amniotic fluid. I was still at a "stretchy" 4, but more effaced than on Monday when I had the membrane sweep. She asked if I wanted another membrane sweep and I said yes. She told us to go get some lunch and walk around, maybe see a movie, call if there was a major change in "intensity" of my contractions.

I think we were three steps out the door when the first new type of contraction hit, and it was intense. But I didn't want to run back in screaming and look like an idiot... So we did what we were told and headed to lunch. I was contracting every 2 mins and starting to panic. I was finding it difficult to breath through them in public. It was hard to keep composure while ordering a croissant. We decided to sit on a park bench in the sun, away from people. I breathed through painful contraction while getting a nice tan. I would squeeze Dan's fingers when one started, he would time them until my grip released. They were lasting 30 secs coming every 2 mins. So 2 hours after leaving the midwives office, we checked in to the Ballard Swedish Birthing Center.

About a half hour after we got there I started going through transition. My breathing turned to moaning. I puked a couple times. I talked less and less between contractions. Without fail, I still would grab dans fingers to squeeze through every one. I needed them. My focus was squeezing his fingers. The world started slipping away around me. I asked to be checked to gauge how I was progressing....this was the one and only time I mentioned the word "epidural". I simply said I need to know where I am so I can go in the bath or talk about an epidural. I was at a 6. They started the bath. While it was filling, I got in the shower. The shower was AWESOME. My midwife thought she saw my water break while I was in there but wasn't sure. The bath was ready. It had been maybe 10 mins. I was checked again and was now at an 8. My water had still not broken. Everything was a blur. The pain was so powerful. I was lost in it. I had no idea how long we had been there. At this point I shook through the pain. I could barely stand...but standing felt better than anything else. I didn't like the bath and with each contraction I clawed at the tile trying to flip over or stand up. I don't remember time between contractions because it all morphed together into pure, all consuming, unyielding, gut ripping, muscle splitting, bone separating, PAIN...preparing for it, surviving through it, recovering from it....PAIN. There was nothing else. I moaned through this pain completely unaware of anything else, who was near, words people said, questions asked. All I knew was pain, and where Dan's fingers were. I knew he was there and that was the only constant I needed. No breathing techniques, no massage, no encouraging words. I just needed Dan's poor, crushed, hand.

I was told I needed to go back to the room which was fine because I hated the tub. As soon as a stood up I felt the urge to push. Now THAT is a weird fucking feeling. All the sudden you just start grunting and it really is out of your control. I was hooked up to monitors at this point and kneeled on the bed, facing back. I was at a 10 and told to push in any way that felt right. None of it felt right. It all felt very wrong. I felt pissed. I felt frantic. I felt like I was totally screwed because there was no way to get the baby out in any other way. I had to push and it felt awful. The "ring of fire" lasted for a second during one push of one contraction. Then I felt the head move down into my pelvis. Lower with each push. Then the contraction would end and I would feel him go back up. This was a low point. This is when I started to whimper and whine and say it wasn't possible. This is also when I could hear Dan's excitement and I knew we must be close. I could hear his emotion. He was laughing and I told him to shutup but it gave me hope that it would be over soon. I was tired. I flipped over on my back and felt in more control. The one positive of this stage was I actually had time between contractions to rest. It felt totally euphoric compared to the pain of pushing. It felt like silence. Stillness. Like I could curl up and sleep. And then another contraction would rip me away. I remember the point where I decided this was it. I would push with every fucking thing I had because i could not do it anymore. So I did. I pushed and screamed. SCREAMED. The loudest, primal, HUGE, cavewoman of a scream. I screamed the scream of life and death and pain and suffering and it must have been heard for miles. The nurse shushed me and I wanted to grab her by the throat and say "don't you DARE shush me!!!".....but I couldn't because I was SCREAMING for my fucking life. And then I felt his head come out, still in the amniotic sac. The the sac broke. I felt warmth. I felt Dan's excitement. I heard nothing. (later I was told the cord was around his neck and they were unwrapping it). Then I pushed again and felt his warm body leave mine and he was placed on my chest. He was beautiful and perfect and pink and screaming a different type of scream. A tiny, beautiful scream. The pain stopped instantly. I told everyone who would listen that it was the worst experience of my life.....but now......a few days later.....I think it was pretty damn incredible. I survived. I did it. And I feel amazing. I only needed one tiny stitch.

My husband was so proud of me that he told me I could name our son the name I wanted. His reaction has really been something I never expected, but maybe the best part. It is one thing to feel empowered. To be proud of yourself. To successfully achieve what you set out to do.....but, the pride in Dan's voice when I hear him tell people about the birth really makes me feel like the strongest woman on the planet.

Milo

2010-05-15T14:36:00.000-07:00

Baby boy Brown is here!

2010-05-13T06:10:00.000-07:00

He is here!!!

Born May 12th at 6:28pm.
7lbs 3oz
19 inches

and yes, I did it completely drug free.

Also, he has only been in cloth dipes since birth! :)
Ballard Swedish birth center gives you the option and supply prefolds!

I am one happy mommy.

He is totally perfect. Already nursing like a pro....light blondish brown hair....slept well last night...
I can't believe it is done. He is here and healthy and beautiful. I am
no longer pregnant. I had the natural
delivery I wanted.... The week I wanted.... And I only needed one stitch. ;)

more later, I will be writing my labor story with great detail.

38 weeks

2010-05-11T11:35:00.000-07:00

Hello!! I am blogging from my new fancy iPad!!! Whoop!!!

Last weekend was wonderful. We went out for a delicious dinner on saturday to celebrate our birthdays. Then we went out Sunday morning for mothers day brunch. It was fantastic. I love brunch. I wish I could have brunch every day.

Yesterday was my midwife appointment and she swept my membranes, which was very exciting... Because it means progress!!!! I was at a 3 before she did it, then after was at a 4!!!! AND this morning, I lost my plug!!!!! It was so disgusting. But awesome. But really gross. But exciting. But nasty. But fantastic.

I showed Dan. I know that is disgusting. I know a lady should keep some things secret from her man. But I am no lady. I like gross stuff and I have been known to overshare.

Me: oh my god look!!!! I lost my plug!!!!
Dan: well that is fucking gross
Me: I know! Isn't it nasty and amazing? Look how big it is!!!!
Dan: yep
Me: ok, I will throw it away.....even though I kinda want to save it for the baby book.
Dan: isn't it considered a biohazard?

Anyhoo.....

Hope to go into actual labor soon. I am going to go finish mowing the lawn. Did half yesterday. Had on and off painful contractions..... They have sort of stopped today.....hmpf.....

Cmon labor! Bring it!!!

37 weeks

2010-05-01T11:06:00.000-07:00

Huge.

i am huge.

one week until IT IS ON. i go in on May 10th to have my membranes stripped. whooohoooo!

I really hope to have him that week....the 14th maybe? the 12th? Any day that week works for me.....just not the 9th. that day is taken. he can have the 8th if he wants.....and share with his Dad. :)

38 weeks seems like the perfect amount of time.....Riley was born just after the 38 day mark and was a nice 7lbs 6oz of pink perfectness.

yesterday i did a final run to Babies r us....picked up some last min essentials like breast pads and......a baby hairbrush. because i am convinced he will have a little head of soft brown hair that i will need to brush. i know that sounds weird and is just wishful thinking. he will more likely be bald like i was.

today i put all my old pictures onto a drive so i have plenty of room for new pictures. i plan on taking thousands and thousands of pictures of this baby. Riley was born right when digital cameras were becoming the norm...but they were still crazy expensive and really crappy. all pixely and with that annoying delay. anyway....i ended up with not many baby pictures of her. i have made up for it by taking millions of photos of her in the last few years....but i wish i had more itty bitty baby photos.

so expect many, many photos.

also.....i have this pet peeve. i follow a lot of blogs. mom blogs. pregnancy blogs. i understand that not everyone is like me and wants to share everything on the internet. but i hate it when i have been following a blog about someones pregnancy for 9 months or longer and then.....BAM......nothing. that baby is born and they become private people unwilling to share baby names or photos.

i know there are safety concerns...or privacy issues....or whatever.... i guess i have never had a problem....or even a concern about it. you can probably find naked pics of me on the internet. or pics of me smoking pot. it is not hard. i think i have them on my flickr page. or on Dan's flickr page. whatever. i am not planning on running for president. and i worked in advertising where nudity and pot and scandal are embraced. not that i am planning on working again.....

but point being.....i am not private. i will not be keeping this baby private after sharing every time i pee my pants for the last 9 months.

blog friends, i trust you. maybe because i am dumb. maybe because i am naive. maybe because i don't give a crap. maybe because anyone that wants to track me down and kill me.....well good luck. Coco is a vicious dog and we collect huge guns and knives. many, many knives. and we are all trained ninjas.

36 weeks

2010-04-23T16:45:00.000-07:00

i had a dream that i was giving birth to puppies. when i woke up i was on puppy number 4.

lately i have had a crazy obsession with coleslaw, broccoli slaw, rainbow slaw. i just cant get enough slaw. and sweet potato fries. i could eat slaw and sweet potato fries everyday.

and waffle cones.

most everything is in order and we are ready to go. i know i have 2 more weeks until i am even "full term" and 4 weeks until the due date....but the car seat is installed, hospital bag packed, baby clothes washed and ready....baby room all put together.

so now i will just sit around and eat and eat and eat and wait for labor. sounds easy enough, right? i think i might fit in a pedicure, some yoga, maybe a massage. Dan and I have birthdays coming up, on the 8th and 9th, so we will probably go out to dinner....if i can fit out the front door by then.

34 weeks

2010-04-12T13:06:00.000-07:00

i feel huge and cranky and hungry.

that sounds about right, doesn't it?

i also feel excited, anxious......ready. not ready like he could come tomorrow.....but ready like he could come in a month and i am prepared. we have the room together, i have washed all the 0-3 month clothes. My cloth dipes are all prepped and ready to go. i have taken a class and feel confident about natural delivery. We have the infant car seat and will install the base this weekend.....

i am excited to meet him. see him for the first time. get to know all his little features. i can't wait to hold him against me and breath him in.

i feel him all day long. rolling, pushing, kicking. elbows and knees and butt. i can feel his head turn really low. but, i can't wait to touch his skin. feel his weight. look into his eyes. will they be Dan's? Will they be mine?

i feel like i am just going to break open and cry nonstop as soon as i see him. maybe i won't. i didn't with Riley. but.....she was an accident. i loved her completely and instantly. but it was so different. i feel like i have wanted this baby....this experience....this addition for so long. and the road to get here was heartbreaking.

i remember thinking it would never happen. i remember the feeling of loss so well. to see a positive test and want and fear and hope for months. numbing parts of myself for so long. then allowing myself to feel excited. to feel the joy. battling still to keep all the fears out of my head.

it doesn't all go away. it just all piles on top of each emotion. and now.....it is just overwhelming how much i WANT to hold him. touch him. love him with every cell i have.

anyway.....i really want a M&M McFlurry and a Quarter pounder with Cheese. and fries.

i only have a few short weeks before i will have to give up this free-for-all diet. i need to take as much advantage of this time as i can! bring on the calories! bring on the fat!

33 weeks....almost 34.....and falling behind with pictures

2010-04-09T18:33:00.000-07:00

i have been slacking on my weekly photos.

i did snap this beautiful image that i think really shows where i am right now.....

so what we have here is me....enormous...in need of a shower and a hairbrush....just woke up from an intense sporadic nap....in an incredibly messy room.

i am still in the process of getting the house back in order after we did musical rooms last weekend. and i am failing because i keep falling asleep randomly.

oh, and check out my RAD sewing machine. oh, yes. :)

baby room!!!

2010-04-04T19:25:00.000-07:00

We took the house off the market....and i made up for lost nesting time by doing everything this weekend....
On Friday i cleared out Riley's stuff from her room into our old room....and we are now in the old guest room. it is like musical rooms. So once Riley's stuff was pretty much moved...i started painting over the extreme pink....When Dan came home we did another coat....then on Saturday, after a delicious pre-Easter brunch, we painted the trim, did more touch up....AND put together the crib. YAY!!! i was so excited that before the last screw was in i was already putting on the crib sheet and skirt.
Today, we were lucky enough to have my parents come over and help take apart the other rooms in the musical room scenario....it meant swapping beds, closets, miscellaneous furniture and crap....

so....it was a productive weekend. and i FINALLY could satisfy my nesting urge. now i am just going to spend the next few weeks sitting in the room...refolding baby clothes over and over again......moving furniture.....staring at the crib...

ok.....so some pictures.....

here we have BEFORE:

and AFTER:

then i moved things around....still deciding how everything will fit...

baby shower

2010-04-04T18:24:00.000-07:00

(my friend Sarah, my crazy sister in law, Jen, my giant basketball belly, Me)

i forgot to do my 32 week photo because i actually had stuff going on.....so instead of spending a lot of time thinking about, planning, setting up, adjusting lighting, picking outfit, finding correct angle, setting timer....and getting a cute weekly photo.....i was actually doing normal stuff like normal people who do....stuff.

that stuff included hanging out with my mother in law....learning to sew.....sewing a couple blankets, a crib bumper, and a pillow....shopping with mother in law....and going to baby shower!!

my friend Sarah had the most lovely shower for me and i had such a great time. I loved celebrating with family and friends and everyone was so generous....we got so much great stuff! and the food was amazing and look at the lovely flowers!

and look at that CAKE!!

about to enjoy cake.....

(yes, dan attended the shower....he can hang with a bunch of ladies....doesn't he look happy?)

enjoying cake....

so the reason i have mostly food pics is because i like food.

and i am waiting for Sarah to send me the pics of us from her camera....

31 weeks

2010-03-24T13:44:00.000-07:00

I woke up in a funk on Saturday. no reason. i mean, other than the obvious.
i felt so exhausted and uncomfortable in my skin. i just wanted to sleep but couldn't sleep. and i had just slept a full night. then for no reason i just started sobbing. like big real sobs. like ugly crying. like uncontrollable bawling. FOR NO REASON. i was not sad. wasn't stressed. wasn't mad or frustrated. just a little tired even though i had just woke up.

then we went to our "Coping with Confidence" class which was pretty great. We learned fun breathing techniques and all sorts of labor positions. Dan learned how to massage and do counter pressure stuff. it was great! and then we watched a horrible video and i decided i don't want to deliver this baby. ever. oh god it looked awful. and i have done it before! but....i was drugged, so not really. oh my god these women were in so much pain. it was agonizing to watch. and i kept thinking....why am i doing this again? holy crap those women looked like they were in the process of DYING....not birthing. i guess it would feel like dying....i mean....it is feeling your body break in half, tear open, and spill out some organs.....oh and a baby.

but....i am still going to do it. i may scream and cry and be in the worst pain of my life....but i am going to do it. hopefully. if i am not successful at a natural birth, it will be all Dan's fault for not doing the proper massage.

My mother in law arrives today and we are going to start sewing the crib bumper and some blankets. i have been looking forward to this for so long. Then, this Sunday is the baby shower my wonderful friend Sarah is having for me!!! i am so excited!

all of this is getting very real.

can you believe i may actually have a baby?

for all my lovely friends who are trying to conceive month after month....and those who have had miscarriages.....just know.....it will happen. you won't think it will ever happen, but it will. and it will feel totally scary at first and you will doubt everything. you will fear the worst for months. you won't really believe it for a long time, but you will go through the motions and try to stay positive.

then one day you will be almost in your 8th month of pregnancy. you will wonder if you spent enough time enjoying it. did i actually cherish my pregnancy? have i taken time to truly feel pregnant and happy? have i only focused on the end result this entire time because of fear of it not getting there?

but the important thing is that, yes. it happens. it works. the baby grows. you grow. at some point the fear quiets just enough.....and the joy is overwhelming. the possibility of a baby gradually switches from a daydream, a longing, the hopeful outcome.....to REALITY....and your heart feels full again.

oh baby boy, i can't wait to meet you, but for now, i love feeling you move and grow safely in my belly.

30 weeks

2010-03-15T16:47:00.000-07:00

oh the heartburn. last night was a doozy.

i am feeling....big. very.....big.

when i roll over in bed i must sit up and then throw myself...using the momentum of my own mammoth weight to fling myself to my other side. this is normally accompanied my a grunt or two.

here is my 30 week photo....i think Riley is getting excited to be a big sister...

stuff

2010-03-12T17:51:00.000-08:00

oh hi.

nothing new or exciting to report. nothing major to bitch about.

i am still peeing my pants every time i sneeze, still gaining mass amounts of weight, still trying to sell the house. still having a boy with huge balls.

i need a root canal. so that is fun. the tooth pain i had last night gave me some practice in pain management. i breathed through the pain. i tried to focus on a place outside my body. i was this close to taking vicodin. but i didn't.

have i mentioned how much i hate teeth? i hate teeth.

what else....oh! i painted the changing table yellow. i am trying to nest where i can. i went shopping for potential changing table baskets. i looked at at least 20 different baskets at 5 different stores.

i may have too much time on my hands here.

other news: when looking for bathing suits for Riley at Old Navy, I discovered the disturbing fact that they have padding in the bikini tops. PADDING. boob padding. for children. small children.

girls of that generation are screwed. my daughter....my poor daughter....she is totally a part of a generation forced to grow up and be tweens when they are in first grade, teens when they are in 3rd grade, and adults when they hit junior high. i guess i should put her on birth control now. she had a girl in her class, her first grade class, bragging about "having sex with her boyfriend".

clearly, i blame Old Navy for this.

please note:

2010-03-03T16:39:00.000-08:00

i am so tired of defending why i am going to have a natural childbirth and why i think it is important to cloth diaper.

seriously, if you are not going to be encouraging, please keep your opinions, jokes, eye rolls, sarcastic comments to yourself.

i don't tease you about your life choices, do not tease me about mine.

I need support, not ridicule. i am not stupid. i am not uninformed. i am not unrealistic.

yes, i know it is going to fucking hurt. yes. i get that. thanks. and yes, i know i am going to have to wash poopy diapers.

i have done more research than you. i have done more soul searching than you could possibly imagine. i did not make these decisions lightly. they are important to me for very specific, well thought out reasons.

this is not a silly little conversation to me. this is me not allowing negative, unsupportive, doubting influences around me as i embark on a huge emotional, physical and mental challenge.

if you were about to run a marathon, i would not tell you that you can't do it. that you are stupid for even thinking you could finish the race. i would not ask you why would you even think you could run a marathon. i would assume you had trained. that you understood the distance. that you needed to feel confident and supported.

why the fuck do women not get this?

if you are not going to support those attempting NATURAL CHILD BIRTH, one the biggest events in a woman's life, then please, shut the fuck up.

thank you and i love you.

mama bird with no nest

2010-03-02T17:39:00.000-08:00

the urge is in full force. i have been to babies R us twice since Sunday. today i went to a JoAnne's and bought *gasp* fabric! then i went to home depot for paint swatches for the changing table. i bought sand paper and primer.

the vision is coming together! i am gathering the pieces, the twigs and moss and fluff for my baby bird nest. however.....i have no spot for said nest. all the twigs are jammed in the closet of the perfectly staged guest room.

speaking of.....no offers yet. i know it has only been one week....but i really don't think we are going to get any offers in the next month. but we will see. the guest room may be trans-nested into the baby room very soon.

i passed my glucose test like a sugar bingeing champ. and just as i was celebrating with a giant cookie, the nurse told me i am severely anemic and need to take an additional 50mg of iron on top of my prenatal. side effect of iron supplements: constipation.

i am never pooping again.

i guess i could just start an exciting diet of liver and blood sausage.

or have a love affair with prune juice.

still a boy

2010-02-26T17:02:00.000-08:00

it is confirmed. i have pics. pics of a penis. no questioning it.....we are having a boy.

yay!!!!!!!

cure of cute

2010-02-23T13:55:00.000-08:00

don't you hate it when a perfectly good day is going along and everything is fine and you are enjoying a delicious muffin, when BAM, something unexpected happens and ruins your day?

don't you hate it when you get a call from the assistant principal from your child's school and are told your darling daughter had to be removed from class and HIT HER TEACHER?

and then you are on the phone and your jaw is hanging open and your muffin suddenly tastes horrible and no words can come out of your mouth and you just mumble "uh hum" a few times and you feel totally and completely mortified and embarrassed that your child is THAT CHILD?

and then you are shopping for new leggings because all of yours have faded or are too snug and the sales lady actually says "you look like you are having a bad day" and you realize you must have been scowling or pouting without knowing it....or it could be that you didn't brush your hair and you put mascara on in the car and you have a run in your pre-pregnancy tights (that SO do not fit anymore) from your dumb dog jumping on you??

i hate those days.

like today, for example.

days like this demand one thing and one thing only....

cute overload. that's right. CUTE OVERLOAD!!!

the lil puff ball on the left just KILLS me. oh HI lil white puff!! oh what? what lil curious cotton puff?

apparently white and puffy is a recipe for AWESOME.

meep.

this one makes me cry...in a good way. in a universal, we are all one, we all love our babies, isn't the world magical kind of way. oh i want to just squaaaaa-weeeeeze you!!!!

oy! itty bits baby fawn! tinesy pocket fawn! me love!

ahhhhh.......now i feel a little better.

27 weeks

2010-02-22T16:25:00.000-08:00

as expected, last week was rough.

there were some tears, a few fights, a lot of eye rolling, deep breaths, sarcastic comments, passive aggressive behavior, key throwing, door slamming....

you get the idea.

the good news: the house is officially on the market. all the crap that needed to get done for this to happen.....has happened. the yard, the cleaning out closets, the organizing, the removal of unneeded piles of crap, the house cleaning, trim and door painting, poop scooping....all done. now all i have to do is keep the house at a super clean state so i can up and go at any time if an interested party wants to stop by.

that means doing dishes right away. and making beds as soon as you get up. crazy!!!! who does this?! i mean....besides grown-ups.

now all we need is a nice full price offer, a new house to buy, moving trucks....and ta-da! easy living!

um....yeah. we will see if any of this happens.

this week i go in for my glucose test. i am really excited for this....because any test where i have to drink high doses of sugar is a test for me! i am going to ace this one!

i also made an appointment to, um, confirm the babies gender. this means i am having an "elective ultrasound". this also means i am "neurotic" and " not trusting of the system".

i just need to be sure. i know this is nuts. but i need to see a penis and don't have any memory of seeing it at our 18 week "medical ultrasound". i know we were told "boy". i know i celebrated this. i know i have bought many, many boy outfits. but....i have no picture and no memory of a PENIS.

so.....Friday at 10AM i will confirm that there is a penis and i will get pictures of it.

the third trimester is upon us. countdown is ON. i get to go to my midwife every other week now. and i get to complain constantly. there will be a baby shower in a month. i am also just getting fatter and fatter and fatter and it is AWESOME.

27 weeks

note: don't try to sell home while pregnant

2010-02-16T18:15:00.000-08:00

emotional breakdown# 1

i just wrote a hormonal email to my poor realtor...who will never want to work with a pregnant woman ever again. in this email i wrote that no, i will not remove my le creuset pot off the stove for staging because it is "an accent color that brings together the other turquoise items in the kitchen".

then i told him that i will NOT "thin out" the built in bookcases. WTF? i don't get this. are we supposed to look like we don't have enough books to fill our bookcases? doesn't he know that i subscribed to Domino Magazine (RIP) and that i have read endless how-to's on making a bookcase look awesome and decorative?

and while i am on the subject....don't tell me where to put my fucking accent pillow!!! it goes on the chair, NOT the COUCH.

and, not to toot my own horn, but i have descent taste in home decorating. i am a creative person. i have a good eye for composition. i have been known to take a good photo. and the realtor is telling me how to stage my house. and he is hiring a photographer to take photos of the house. now, i was totally down when i thought the "professional" photographer had a wide lens and a fancy light kit. but, no. NO. the "photographer" has the same camera as me and takes crappy photos (i saw a mailer for a different house).

*tears*

*head in hands*

*weeping*

why am i doing this again?

also.....i had a dream last night that worms were under my skin. i could see them crawling and growing UNDER MY SKIN. i was begging a doctor to remove them and for some reason i had to wait until the next day....and they were CRAWLING UNDER MY SKIN and reproducing and growing and OH MY GOD it was awful.

no more cinnamon life cereal before bed.

more fun pregnancy stuff:

i cried while driving to trader joes today for no real reason...i was thinking about childbirth....

i have leg cramps in my calves in the morning now. i think i am on day 3 of leg cramps waking me up. sooooo pleasant.

heartburn. so far it is the worst when i have fruit snacks. this makes no sense.

26 weeks

2010-02-14T20:20:00.000-08:00

we are getting our house ready to sell and it may kill me.

oh hi, anxiety!!! i remember you!! i know, i know....it has been awhile! um....i hate you!

if all goes according to plan, the house will be ready and listed by THIS FRIDAY. if you could see my house you would understand why this is impossible to happen without a couple panic attacks. and a few crying fits.

calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean.

enough about that. Happy Valentine's Day!

Today i got some flowers from my hubbypie (gag) and i had a delicious croissant and a mocha for breakfast. swoon.

my belly pics are going to start getting more and more grotesque as the weeks go on. i think i may be hitting that point. it is leaving the cute stage and moving into the "ewwwww, cover your shame" stage. i feel like the baby has grown significantly in the last week.....or maybe it is me growing from all the ice cream and cupcakes. either way....let me apologize now. my pics are about to get uggggly.

new cravings:

greek salad
brownies

other news:

i got a sewing machine! yay! i have NO idea how to use it, but.....yay!

Riley is now 7. Crazy.

reality is cold. vacations rule!

2010-02-09T12:56:00.000-08:00

back to reality and totally sunburned. i was so good about using sunscreen until the last couple hours of the last day. and now i look like Dr. Zoidberg.

Hawaii was incredible. perfect weather. we did nothing....had picnic lunches, played cards, played in the waves.....i got a prenatal massage. it was truly perfect and a nice final hurrah before our life changes forever. we really love being with each other....and it is always hard to come home from vacation and not spend every waking minute with my husband. This morning after he left for work, he called me from the bus stop and said "i already miss your face".....and yes, that made me cry. i love him. lots and stuff.

The flight over i peed 2 times before we boarded, 7 times in the air, and once right when we landed. needless to say, the baby is CRUSHING MY BLADDER. and it feels less than good.

Here is my 25 week pic (and yes i am getting HUGE) :

who likes virgin pina coladas? ME!

best part about coming home so far was the package containing the quilt i bought for the nursery. it is so cute!! i love it! it is way cuter than i thought! and perfect colors for what i am going for! i love it when that happens. i can't wait to really start nesting and get more pieces to this vision i have. it may or may not actually look good.....but in my mind it is AMAZING!

20 lbs never felt so good.

2010-01-31T15:41:00.000-08:00

i was told to lay off the carbs at my last midwife visit and i am not going to do that. thanks for the medical advice, but no i will not stop eating cake, cookies, bread, croissants, pasta, etc. I thought about it....i spent a long time looking in the mirror....i almost made a low carb meal......but, no. no no no. i just can't do it. so i will be a big round pregnant chick. i will not be one of those cute pregnant girls with the lil perfect round belly and tiny everything else. i will complain and some days mope around and cry and say things to my husband like "i am so fat and disgusting, it is uncomfortable to just sit here. will you still love me when you have to call a crane to get me out of the house and they have to weigh me on a cattle scale? will you still love me when you have sponge bath under my fat rolls?"

and he always says "no"....but i think he is kidding. i think.

so i am ok with it. and i would rather be a fat pregnant chick for a few months than be on a diet. i love NOT dieting. LOVE IT. i love food so much. i love butter. oh god i love butter.

and yes i will still be in a bikini 2 days from now. i don't care. i may even be brave enough to take pics of this and post them on the internets for all to see.
look at her go! she is a weight gaining machine!!! just yesterday she was holding her lil belly looking cute, now she is in a giant mumu eating a hot dog! she no longer has ankles, wrists or a neck!

other news:

My mother-in-law is going to be here in March for the baby shower and she is going to teach me to sew!!! yay!!!! our first item will be a crib bumper since i have not been able to find anything close to what i want. I did however find a cute and simple quilt on etsy in the right color scheme. which brings me to......

i bought 2 items from Etsy today! i love etsy!! i love spending money on baby!!!

items bought for baby:

about 20 cloth diapers (a nice mix of aio's and one size pockets)
fancy fluffy coat by "little giraffe" in mocha
dark chocolate brown pj separates in uber fancy and soft bamboo
2-3 target sleepers/outfits
2-3 fancy sleepers/outfits....designer names and way, way too much money.
1 gap outfit plus 3 pack of plain white onsies
H&M newborn set of tiny adorable sleepers/outfits

and now (!!)....

crib quilt from etsy (my first purchase for the nursury!):

i know this is a little girly....but whatever. picture it in a BRIGHT BLUE room.

wetbag (for dirty cloth diapers) from etsy:

22 weeks 4 days

2010-01-21T12:58:00.000-08:00

so i think i passed a kidney stone.

why else would i pee blood?

cool, huh?

ok, enough about that. moving on...

i finally dusted off my camera and took some belly pics. i had one from 14 weeks....and that is it. this is kind of a big deal to me only because i have ZERO pregnancy pics from Riley. oh wait.....i have one. ONE . and it was taken the night before i was induced. 210 + pounds of misery is in that photo. it is painful to look at.

so....i am not promising i won't be huge again....but i will take weekly photos from this point on and put them on my flickr page in a cute folder called "belly".

speaking of getting huge....i baked a delicious chocolate cake last week and ate almost the entire thing myself.

booya! pregnancy rules!!

(except for the whole peeing blood thing. that part kind of sucks)

big fat belly pics can be found here!

Target experience

2010-01-14T13:26:00.000-08:00

i went to target for a bra...one bra.....and left with 2 bags full of clothes and spent $120 bucks.

i love target.

so, my boobs are HUGE. well, compared to how they normally are....

needless to say, i got a string bikini for Hawaii. i also got 2 cute sun dresses (one long and one short), 2 tank tops, a pair of sandals, and a bra. oh and a fun yellow coat for Spring. none of it was maternity. target maternity stuff is all very, very depressing.

trying on a string bikini....in a target dressing room...at 21 weeks pregnant....is a profound experience. first of all....Riley makes all sorts of embarrassing comments....my favorite was "wow, mom, your boobs are hairy!"

i want to state here that my boobs ARE NOT HAIRY. but she said it...it was out there....i could hear women in other dressing rooms hold their breath and try not to laugh.

i told her to stop talking.

a few minutes later she asked "what does XL mean?"

ahhhh, yes. those lil zings feel great on the ego. plus the florescent lighting and awesome mirrors....i think i saw every blemish, every dimple, every vein in its truest form. i think i had a Dr Phil moment and saw myself for who i truly am. and i am jiggly.

so i went home and signed up for prenatal yoga. i know it isn't much, but it is more than laying on the couch.

last night was my first of 7 yoga classes. ever done kegels in a room full of other woman doing kegels? it is weeeeeird. but liberating! whatever! we are all using our vagina muscles right now! so what?! weeeee! (for visual reference here....we were in a squatting position, legs wide, with our hands together...like a prayer......our bums a few inches off the floor......all of us focusing on our "fleshy triangle" or our "pelvic floor")

anyway, i know it won't help much with my bathing suit body, but it did feel good to do something to strengthen myself....firm up.....tighten my....um......pelvic floor among other areas.

no way i went through the whole bag. someone else must have been sneaking them.

2010-01-12T15:57:00.000-08:00

Double Chocolate Milano cookies.

dipped in milk.

do it.

(try not to eat half the bag in one sitting. i dare you)

nursery inspiration

2010-01-11T13:45:00.000-08:00

ideas for our nursery/ guest room/ room we will be in when baby gets here:

i have mentioned this before here, but i love bright colors. i love the colors on this here blog, if i do say so myself....hence me choosing them for the baby blog. i love aqua, turquoise, robins egg, and seafoam. i love bright sunshine yellow and tangerine orange. i like white. oh and i love birds and owls and squirrels.

so. ideas. i want blue walls. prob will be seafoam or a light aqua. or white walls? i want a white crib. with either all white bedding, or some type of patterned yellow or orange.

i have a changing table that is a honey colored wood. i am

going to sand it down and paint it. not sure what color yet. white? yellow?

i have a light maple rocking chair. it will need a fun pillow.

i want fun art. like cute baby animal stuff mixed with pop culture stuff.

i feel like i have all these puzzle pieces in front of me and i need to figure out the right combo to make them all fit. i know it is there. i feel inspired and excited.

ok...now for the nurseries i love that get me all hyper to spend lots of money and get creative. all of these can be found here. Enjoy!!

freeboobin

2010-01-11T10:44:00.000-08:00

Coco ate my last bra. this is bra number 3 for her. guess who is back on top of my shit list?

It was the one and only bra i had left.

now i am just bouncing around all freestyle like.

if i buy a bra that fits me now...it won't fit in a couple months. so....should i just give up now and grow out my leg and armpit hair? should i turn vegan and stop wearing makeup? i mean, i already shower just once a week and only wear elastic waistbands.

i guess i will run to target and try to find something cheap and temporary. and i should probably stop that habit i have of removing my bra on the couch and leaving it where it falls.

21 weeks

2010-01-10T21:03:00.000-08:00

Last week i got a lot of cloth diapers in the mail. this was very exciting for me and not as exciting for Dan. I ran around squealing and trying to show him all the cuteness and he barely glanced in my direction. After he showed little enthusiasm and wouldn't look up from his sudoku, i did this:

Food is my friend again. I am so happy to eat and not gag. The down side, of course, is I am starting to really pack on the pudge. and not in the cute belly way. in the jiggle arm, double chin, cottage cheese thighs, need new underwear to fit huge ass....way.

and yes i love it. and yes it will all look better with a tan. yes, a TAN. Which I will be getting in about 3 weeks when I am soaking up the vitamin D in Hawaii. tan skin is like camo for jiggly bits.

Weird pregnancy stuff:

my hands keep going numb when i sleep.

i have a weird red blotchy rash on my chest.

one side of my face has acne and the other side is clear and glowing.

my finger nails grew about a half inch in one day. i cut them, looked down later an they needed to be cut again.

other stuff:

are we crazy for even considering selling our house and buying a new one right now? this would involve lots of cleaning. then it would include packing. then moving. oh and then unpacking. moving is quite possibly my least favorite thing to do. it is up there with root canals and catheters.

but i guess it could also be great because i have this excuse to be totally lazy and hire movers and cleaning people. and i won't want to move with a baby....and it seems like now is a good time to buy....do we wait another year?

20 weeks

2010-01-04T00:27:00.000-08:00

i can't get internet at home anymore. well, i can on my iphone....but not on my laptop. it has been amazing to realize i can do almost everything on my iphone....like all my online cloth dipe research and shopping, facebooking, keeping up with babycenter, and i even registered at land of nod....all on my iphone!! the one thing i can't do, is blog. i have tried. it won't let me. and there is no app. bullshit, i know.

all of that was my long winded explanation for not writing in awhile.

ok...so...hi!

baby boy likes to kick and punch and flail a lot these days. at the ultrasound he was head down, and i think he still is....due to the amount of strong kicks around my belly button and right jabs and left hooks i feel lower in my belly. i love feeling him move. it is such a weird and wonderful sensation....so alien and parasitic, yet magical and fantastic. nothing really makes you feel pregnant like a weird internal punch to your bladder. it is your first realization that this life in there is it's own....he is in there, stretching and sucking his thumb and moving around whenever he feels like it...

i am not as sick this week. i only throw up if i eat breakfast too fast. i actually feel pretty great these days. my only real consistent food aversion is chicken. i really like beef. bacon is great. fish is good sometimes. eggs are enjoyable. but chicken is the most disgusting food imaginable.

i ordered 13 more diapers over the weekend....bringing my stash total to....20. 10 of those are "one size" diapers which won't fit until he is a lil bigger.....and 10 should fit him from the get go. i still need to get a few more but i want to wait and see what brand i like best and what fits him best, what washes best ect. brands i have so far to try out: bumgenius (the xs and s "all in ones" which will fit earlier and the "one size" that will fit when he gets bigger) fuzzibunz, blueberry, rumparooz (both the "one size" and the "lil joey" for infants), smartipants, and thirsties aio.....

i linked all of those so anyone can go see how cute cloth diapers are and to see all the crazy differences. enjoy!

for Christmas i got tickets to Hawaii!!! whooohooo!! we go in February, and i made the mistake of trying on a maternity bathing suit yesterday. um.....fugly. so fugly. there is nothing cute about maternity swimsuits. so i am just going to squeeze myself in my old 2 piece and let it all hang out. doesn't that sound better?

18 w 3 days

2009-12-23T10:55:00.000-08:00

we celebrated last night by going to a manly German pub and having bratwurst and pretzels. we were surrounded by dudes watching football and drinking out of beer mugs as big as their heads and egos. all of this testosterone seemed fitting and wonderfully appropriate for the day. but then i wanted to go home, eat ice cream and go to bed.

bars are really boring and loud when you are sober. this may seem obvious to some...but not me. i have always loved bars. and drinking. oh boy, do i love drinking. dealing with most things soberly is so hard! i keep discovering all the scenarios in life where i am normally nice and numbed up and able to deal....but now! holy crap!

examples:

fighting with my mom. this happens pretty often. wine, vodka, beer.....all these friends help my mom and i get through it relatively quickly. but now.....my mom seems nice and numb and i am a ball of rage and fury.

social functions. need i say more? funny how small talk is so easy when you have had a couple martinis. now....it is so painful and awkward and i feel my face tense and cramp and my teeth start to crumble in my mouth.

Christmas shopping at a mall. best way to handle the mob of shoppers and long lines of angry people.....have a cocktail (or shot of tequila) at lunch.....suddenly it all seems funny.

Christmas morning with my brother. if i could have about 10 mimosas i would not even have a bit of anxiety about this. but since i can't i am once again a ball of rage and fury. i can already feel the hives and ulcers.

i know what you are thinking. and i know i should admit here that i am an alcoholic who has spent years numbing myself with alcohol instead of growing up and being a better person capable of handling life and all it's stress.

i admit it!!! i totally admit it!!! alcohol makes my life easier!!! i am WEAK!!!!

so...anyway. a boy. a boy! i can't tell you how it felt to see the lil penis. it was like every Christmas morning ever all in one moment. this experience felt so huge. to share it. oh my god to share this moment. to look from screen to Dan back to screen and back to Dan. to feel myself so full of joy and to see the same thing in him. to want to just scream and high five and cry. to love someone so much and to feel that love instantly double because of this life you both created. to see a lil glimpse into your future as parents to this baby. this one on the screen. the one with my feet and his chin. the one with the penis. the one we wanted so bad. the one we tried for, the one we fought for. the dream we held onto, only one year ago TODAY, when we felt crushed and lost during the worst miscarriage. all of this felt in one moment. we are here. we made it from there, to here. and it feels better than i ever imagined.

i told Dan in the car later that that moment was better than our wedding day and he understood. at that moment i fell madly in love with our baby and all of this flooded into reality. We are going to have a baby. and it is a boy.

penis penis penis penis!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-12-22T16:57:00.000-08:00

it's a boy!!!

i am so beyond excited. i keep crying. sobbing. i can't physically contain the amount of joy.

i am totally in love!!!!

(click to see bigger....look at those lil feet!!!)

french dip kicks

2009-12-11T18:25:00.000-08:00

big news: this afternoon, Riley and i were in bed watching a movie (her) and editing pics (me) and i felt some pretty major baby kicks....well more major then they have been.....but nothing compared to the kicks to come....and i told Riley to put her hand on my belly and she felt the baby kick!!! She was so excited!

i think it was the french dip i had for lunch. it does a baby good.

countdown: 10 days until we see a penis.....er....i mean until the gender reveal.

oh and the doppler should arrive on Monday according to UPS tracking....not that i have been stalking it every day or anything...

so the pics i was working on....i must share because my friend Sarah makes lovely children...i love photographing them so much....

here they are looking calm and collected (Avery took scissors to her hair a couple weeks ago) :

here they are laughing their cute tushies off at mom being HILARIOUS:

and here is Sadie being cute:

16 weeks

2009-12-06T13:57:00.000-08:00

it may be a fluke....it may be just pure luck....or the stars aligned....but today is the second day in a row that i have not vomited immediately after waking up. i have felt almost human!!! i say almost because the trade off seems to be a splitting brain melting eye bulging headache. but i will take it!!

right now i am giving credit to the new flavor of emergen-C vitamin packets i just got (delicious raspberry) which i have first thing in the AM. i have even been gagging less during the day!

i really hope i am not jinxing it right now by blogging. but i don't believe in silly things like jinxing, right? right. i don't think the world could be so finicky and give a rats ass if i vomit or not and if i mention anything about it or not.

i am 16 weeks tomorrow. i had a visit with my midwife last week and heard the heartbeat again which is always nice. we decided to order a doppler for home. so excited to get it and try it out!

also....i have been feeling kicks almost daily. last night after some pink lemonade and jalapeno poppers i felt the lil guy (or gal) spaz out for a few minutes. such a fucking glorious feeling.

speaking of boy/girl.....we go in Dec 22 for the big ultrasound. eeeep! that is 2 weeks from tuesday, people!! holy crap! can you believe it? because i can barely wrap my head around all of this.....still. yes still. and yes.....i am happy. i am very, very happy.

i think that is it for updates. oh....one more....my hair, fingernails, toenails, armpit hair, leg hair.....is all growing at about an inch a week. pregnancy has turned me into a cave women.

sooooooo hot. at least the vomiting has kept my weight gain down somewhat. wait...is 10 lbs good or bad at this point? not that i give a shit. i fully accept the possibility that i will be a giant hairy waddling version of myself....with claws and guiness book world record curly toenails.

here's to self esteem!! cheers!

happy yet?

2009-11-18T18:55:00.000-08:00

i don't know if i have mentioned this or not.....but i am still pretty numb in terms of my baby excitement. i guess we might call my behavior "reserved" or "disconnected".

the only baby item that has excited me so far would be the cloth diapers i have mentioned....and i think that is more because it can be categorized as research into something i am passionate about....and i somehow disconnect this with the actual baby and pregnancy.

of course i have explanations for this and they are all obvious. i have had 3 pregnancies in less than one year and two of them ended with no baby. no baby. no baby. this "no baby" outcome has a funny way of damaging the part of the brain that connects pregnancy with baby excitement.

i recently got in a huge fight with my mom because she had been asking me "so.....you happy yet?" almost every time i saw her. this hit a nerve, oh, about the fifth time she asked and i sort of snapped like a hormonal hyena beast monster. my mom did not mean anything hurtful by this question. she was not implying that i am not happy. she was not expecting me to fake happiness...she was not being passive aggressive and trying to tell me that i should be acting different......all of this i learned after accusing her of all these things. she meant no harm. i have a habit of accusing her for everything under the sun...a martyr...an eternal victim....a heartless meanie....when really she is just a mother that is trying to make conversation with her damaged mess of a daughter.

but it hit a nerve. i wish i could feel the excitement people expect of me. but it is still slightly buried under a few layers of fear. i brush things off as nothing....i react socially retarded.....when someone in real life* says "oh!! you had an ultrasound!!! how exciting!!!" i just sort of shrug and look away and shuffle in my boots. kick pebbles. whistle. change the subject. i try to muster out an "yeah" and it always sounds distant and like the voice of someone else. the fake me with the same voice as the one that once told a dentist my life story while on nitrice.....the whole time lying. making up a fake life story. i could hear myself saying these weird things based in no fact but i couldn't control it. that voice. the one capable of faking.

*my internet and blog friends seem to get a less retarded version of me because i don't have to act in a social setting. obvs.

anyway....all of this is slowly starting to change i think. each day i feel more secure in allowing myself to feel a little twinge of excitement.

today....while internet browsing my fave sites....two things made me almost squeal with baby joy. i felt that melty warm gooey feeling of baby delight.

the first was featured on dooce.com where baby Marlo was wearing some snuggly feetie pajamas that can be purchased here and i am seriously contemplating buying them in blue. (yes.....click on that....i dare you to not feel the strong snuggly pull)

and then.....on cute overload......omg......a chubalub (that is chub-a-lub...yes say it with me) babe with the most edible arm rolls imaginable is pictured with my most fave pet ever...the french bulldog. <--- click NOW. oh gawd. i melt. i melt. i melt. m......e.........l........t

so...i am getting there.

13 weeks

2009-11-16T13:06:00.000-08:00

i am always dreaming of food when i wake up. today it was apple butter. yesterday it was shrimp. the day before it was tomato soup with grilled cheese.

i am still feeling sick here and there. i still vomit about once a day and it is not fun at all. you would think i would be used to it by now....i have been vomiting daily for 7 weeks.

my next appointment isn't until Dec 1st. so...in about 2 weeks. at that visit i am going to ask for another ultrasound order to find out gender....i am hoping to go in around 18 weeks to find out....which will be right before Christmas.

in other news i have had multiple dreams with a baby girl making an appearance. hmpf. it seems my subconscious and i disagree.

another pic

2009-11-12T18:03:00.000-08:00

this one is also from last week's scan.....in this one the baby is face down just chillin.....on the placenta. must be comfy. or the baby is like....i see you.....placenta! i will not lose this staring contest. no way. ah hah! you blinked! i win!

so she only gave is these two...this one and then one i posted a couple days ago. even though there were so many better pics! pics of hands and legs! ug. what a snatch, that tech. seriously. i was not a fan of her. at the end of the ultrasound all she said was that we could go. i was like "um....is everything measuring ok?" and she said everything looked "fine". FINE? fine. what a bizzo.

fluff!

2009-11-10T20:20:00.000-08:00

can't......stop.......buying.......cloth......diapers......

oh god i think i have a problem.

i am 12 weeks pregnant and already have purchased 4 AIO (that's "all in one" cloth diapers)
so.....that means i have roughly spent.....um.....around $50-60.....on FOUR diapers.

eeep!

i know there will be savings here....i mean.....that is the point. well, that and i HATE the idea of filling landfills with dirty diapers just because of convenience. hate it. and i know i will get a good stash of cloth and after a few months the savings will make me feel all high and mighty again.....but for now.....i just feel like a crazy person spending money on something completely unnecessary....when there are plenty of other things i should be spending money on.....and don't even get me started on Christmas and how the last thing i need to be doing is buying crap for a baby who will not even be here until Spring and i should be spending money on the child who has a Christmas list 3 pages long.....and the husband who deserves new underwear and socks.

ok. so here is what i have so far (and yes you can click on them to see a link of what i am talking about)

1 extra small Bumgenius AIO 3.0 in "clementine"
1 small Bumgenius AIO 3.0 in "moonbeam"
1 Blueberry mini delux in "mint blue"
1 extra small Thirsties pocket AIO in "ocean"

notice my color selections.....all in the blue variety except for the one clementine bumgenious.....here's to hoping it is a boy!

i think that is all i am going to do for the AIO's for the newborn stage for now.....maybe.....

next up? a stash of fitteds like these and a couple covers like these! weeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

a pic

2009-11-09T15:14:00.000-08:00

there is a baby in my belly!!! wtf!?