NT scan-11 weeks 2 days

baby is kicking and moving! the scan went well and everything looked normal...still waiting on official test results...

but it was amazing to the little babe! who now has a face and hands and feet....

this was a major milestone...for many reasons....the biggest being that statistically you have a less than 2% chance of miscarriage after heartbeat is seen at 12 weeks. i hope i can now settle into the reality of all this...that all this puking and feeling like crap really does mean something....that i don't just have the worst flu ever...hopefully i can let my guard down a little and start to feel excited for a new baby....a new member of our family! when it moves from just this potential maybe idea of a baby...to an actual baby that will be born into our lives.

i measured a couple days ahead of schedule...moved my due date to Oct 22....heartbeat was a nice strong 169 bpm. (i just checked back on this here blog and Milo's HR was 170 at 11 weeks...hope we have another boy in there!)

i have a little profile pic from the ultrasound....i will post it in a min :)

gag, barf, gag.

i suck at blogging.

here is what i have been doing:

-gagging
-heaving
-barfing
-sitting on the couch unable to move
-not showering
-battling with food, which i HATE but must have.
-sleeping
-wallowing around feeling ugly, disgusting, fat, sick, miserable.....and happy!

let me tell you how awesome it is to change poopy toddler diapers when you feel like barfing all day long. SO FUN.


so yes. first trimester, oh how i hate thee....but am thankful for thee nonetheless.

NT scan is on Wednesday. nervous of course. i will be 11 weeks, so hope all looks well and the way it is supposed to.

the news

ok. so ultrasound was today. and there is an adorable tiny baby blob in there! with a heartbeat!!

HOLY SHIT!!!

i have a pic....will add later. :)


Due Date: October 25
heart rate was 136bpm
baby blob looked just like Dan.
it's a boy! harharhar

i am in shock. totally excited. but in shock.



also...i feel like barfing all day long....but so far only have lost it twice. the key is to eat constantly. this is impossible when all you want to do is barf. but you must do it!

saving my life right now:

-cold cheese sandwiches. as in bread, mayo, cheddar, lettuce
-ginger ale, 7up, club soda with lime
-"Tea" made by grating fresh ginger, squezze of lemon and honey, add hot water. sip until urge to hurl passes.
-Coconut water...right now it is Zico dark chocolate and it is OMG so GOOD.

in other news

we got chicks! yes, we will have a backyard, urban flock of chickens. they are 2 weeks old now and growing like crazy. they are approaching the awkward teen chicken stage....with wonky feathers and gangly feet....when we got them they were tiny balls of fuzz. They live in the basement right now in a brooder and will move to a sweet outdoor coop in about a month. then...hopefully by mid-end of summer we will have eggs! can't wait!

the haps of late

oh hi.

so on Feb 13th, at 11 dpo, i got this:






















and then i got this, you know, just for fun:

















so i had about 2 days of hopeful and calm pregnancy thoughts.....but you know it can't be easy for me, right? ....so then, 2 days after my beautiful pregnancy test......

i had bleeding. cramps. red blood. a clot. (sorry...but if that grosses you out...you are on the wrong blog)

so.....of course...I'm sad. devastated. we talk about how we should take a break from trying for awhile because this is just too much. too emotional.

but i only had that bleeding one time. in fact i woke up the next morning prepared for the worst but i had a dry pad and no cramps.

so WTF, right? WHAT. THE. FUCK.

so i wait for it to start. and wait. and a week goes by. and then i decide to go get my beta numbers done....

20 dpo: 5600
22 dpo: 10,000


so.......now i wait to see if there is in fact a baby growing in there....my u/s is next Wednesday.

i am not very hopeful. i am not very confident. i am trying to not get ahead of myself......and i hate this fucking limbo. because i can't be excited and i can't down a bottle of tequila. i just have to wait. and wait. and hope to not see more blood every single fucking time i go pee.

so yes, i am technically pregnant. but i had a missed miscarriage in Dec 08 that haunts me. well, i guess they all do.


onto the fun stuff:
no puking yet...but I've had a couple of those "omg this is the grossest thing i have ever eaten" moments while eating a meal that pass and you continue eating...like this AM while eating scrambled eggs.
cravings: tuna melt, veggie bagels, rocky road.
aversions: nothing really yet...but Dan ate some bbq potato chips last night and the smell made me want to kill him.
other stuff: i am starving. and exhausted. on sunday i took two, 3 hour naps. this morning for breakfast i had 2 eggo waffles, 2 scrambled eggs, and an english muffin. and i was still hungry. and who eats eggo waffles? 5 year olds and pregnant women.
oh and my nips hurt and i am still breastfeeding milo....let me tell you how awesome that feels.

so....another year, another month, another rollercoaster. everyone cross your fingers next wednesday.

hi! i am a whiny brat.

so...still here...still not pregnant.

some days i am like....oh IT WILL happen and i am so confident and think about outfits in seasons and sibling pictures.

other days....i feel like....it may never happen and i have to come to terms with that.

i know that may sound overly dramatic and i don't have a 'real' problem in the world of infertility....but it feels like that. i am not young. i am a "habitual aborter". and i try to be optimistic and patient and all those things you need to be but...it just starts to wear you down after a few months of trying and miscarrying and whatever.

so we are on to month #7 of ttc with one loss. it took 13 months with 2 miscarriages to get Milo. Lets see just how much it will take for the next one.

we are all set with the new car and saved baby clothes in tupperware. i have been taking all my vitamins for months and i am stocked with pregnancy tests and progesterone and all this bullshit that doesn't even matter....because crackheads can get pregnant. so does it matter if i take enough folic acid? sure. but will it guarantee me a baby? nope.

see...i haven't been blogging because i sound like this.

and i want to be happy for everyone that doesn't have to go through any of this and is pregnant...and i am. i am happy for everyone i know or don't know but am facebook friends with and watch from afar....i am happy because having a baby is so magical and amazing and it is so amazing when it happens for anyone....but i am so fucking jealous that it isn't happening for me yet and i know that makes me a whiny brat who is selfish and dumb and a bitch.

so fine.


did i mention i am PMSing?

ha!

oh and i am almost out of tampons but i will NOT buy more because i won't need them....because this is the LAST STUPID FUCKING PERIOD i will have for at least 10 months. SO THERE.

a bit belated...but...