6 months later?

Has it really been 6 months since I had a baby girl in my dining room?

I just cleared off all the photos from my iphone...for the first time since I got it.  over 3000 photos.

Here are some pics from Oct 23, 2012

the double rainbow was a nice touch..it felt so magical, even me, the big atheist, I couldn't help but feel the hugeness of that day and that moment...in labor with my double rainbow baby (my second 'rainbow' baby...a term used for a baby after a miscarriage or loss).  I felt like I was such a part of the universe at the moment.

And then the next picture after my last ever pregnancy pic, taken between contractions about an hour before she was born...is this one:

yes, on the boob.  very first pic I took of Lulu.


I still need to sit down and write out her birth story.  It really was such an incredible birth.  So fast. So perfect.  So exactly what I hoped for....it is still fresh in my mind....I haven't lost pieces like I did with Milo...and I'm pretty sure that is because I was never in 'active' labor (that I was aware of) and went from being totally lucid, laughing, chatting...to pushing...to baby in just a few mins.  So it was so clear.

.....
more soon.....

Health

I say I hate gyms, and hate running laps around a track.  I prefer to run different routes...through neighborhoods or woods.  To see different things.  That I think gyms are horrible places.  He says "don't be so naive, it's the knowledge, not the gym"  I ask what that means.  His response:



"The knowledge of knowing what to do to be a healthy individual.  It translates to your children and life in general.  Just look at Riley's midsection.  It's a direct reflection of how you view life."




My response is horror.  Anger...no RAGE.  Riley, my daughter, is 9.  NINE.

I tell him to fuck off.  That his midsection shows that he is an arrogant, vain, asshole.

then this:

"Truth hurts but it needs to be said. Children need exercise!  A foreign concept to you but crucial to her development.  Oh and for Milo and Luna too. Your anger and laziness is pretty sad!"


This was a text conversation which started with my brother-in-law's 21 year old girlfriend, by me, happy that I had lost 6 lbs and mentioning I was starting running.  She said it would be better to run on a track.  and I should take Riley.  It ended with my brother-in -law saying the above.


Do I need to mention that they don't have children?


I am a 33 year old mother of 3.  I had a baby 11 weeks ago.    I am writing this with one hand, a baby nursing in my lap.  I eat healthy.  I also eat because I LOVE food.  I love baking and cooking and sharing those treats.  I have lost 31 lbs since the baby was born.  I have about 15 to go.  In order for me to run,  I have my mom come to my house and babysit my kids.  Running isn't something I love, but it is the least miserable form of exercise I have found and I truly enjoy the fresh air and time to myself.  I have run, on and off, since I was in 8th grade.  I have run half marathons, a 10k, 5k's.  My goal, since this last pregnancy,  was to slowly get back into it and run another half marathon this year.

"How I view life"....oh the implication that me, being fat and lazy, and thus a horrible mother...view life in a negative way is laughable.  But for the record, I have an amazing life.  I have so much love.  Such joy and meaning from my children, from being a mother.  I get to spend my days with a man I adore and children who give light and meaning.  They enrich everything.  I love my life.  And yes, it does show through my body and my children, but certainly not in the way he implied.  It shows in our love, support and dedication to each other.  And it shows when I rub butter all over myself and my husband licks it off.

I have come to terms with my anger about this.  Because it did hit me hard.

After the dust settled, a small fire in me was lit.  I have some important things to say about this subject....even if no one reads it.

First, I believe he just wanted to hurt me.  And in that he was successful.  But, my fight is not with him.  Don't get me wrong,  he will never set foot in my home again.   He is a sad, pathetic, prick who not only left his wife for an 18 year old girl he coached, but who also has a different definition of "health" than I do.

So I want to focus on that.  Health.

Mothers:  having a baby is hard.  It is hard on your body and it is exhausting at times.  Please don't feel rushed to get your body back as soon as you can.  That pressure is coming from assholes like my brother-in-law and there is no place for it in the first few months of mothering a new, tiny life.   You need calories for breastfeeding and you need to let your body heal.  There will be time to lose weight.  Those first few months fly by so fast and someday you will miss having a newborn.  Savor it.  Love your body for what it accomplished.  That, is HEALTH.

On to:

Here is Riley, age 9, after running her second 5k with my Dad who is 66 and a cancer survivor.

Here she is in our backyard, where she jump ropes for hours, does amazing hand stands, and hula-hoops like a maniac. 

One of my fears with having daughters, has been how to protect them from the poisonous thinking that in order to be attractive, pretty, desirable, or worthy, that they need to look a certain way, be a specific size or weight.
I want her to be healthy.  And to me that is defined by this:  that emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically she is happy and fulfilled.  That she looks in the mirror and is happy with who she is and how she looks.  That she enjoys living, and is able to achieve anything she wants for herself through hard work, practice, patience, and learning.
If she has a little tummy or is a few pounds overweight, it does not define her or how much she values life.  It does not define her health.  I want my children's self value to come from much greater things.  I want that for them, and I want it for myself.

birth video

I still need to sit down and write out my Birth Story...in the meantime, here is the video:

http://vimeo.com/53456779

it's short and sweet, just like the birth!!  ;)

i heart babywearing

hello!



 here are some babywearing pics of baby Lulu...and soon i will post her birth story!

i love how i always say stuff like "i'll post pics later" and then i never do.  here are a couple of the ultrasound pics i said i'd post and never did :)

7 week blob

18 week girl

weekend craft: backyard DIY tent :)

what i'm building this weekend:

instructions (for tent in first pic) found here.

but i am going to make ours a bit larger (to fit a 9 year old and 2 year old for summer backyard campouts!) and with a front and back...more like the last pic. and i am going to use old sheets as fabric...because i am cheap. (all pics from etsy)

 pics to come!! hope it isn't a total disaster!

ok so i'm already feeling better. sorry for the crazy, hormonal rage post. all it took was a few days...and some girly etsy inspiration:

mutha effer

So.... not a boy.

I am a bit surprised at how hard I have taken this....I feel like a hormonal ball of crazy. the news of a healthy baby girl should be celebrated! joyous!! best news ever! but I was....devastated. crushed. totally a broken heap of a woman. this has brought up a couple things I would like to discuss about these 2 words:

Gender Disappointment.

so..some see this as a made up thing. some refuse to acknowledge gender disappointment as a real issue. people like to make you feel guilty for not appreciating the baby you have and instead grieving over something like gender....when, as we all know, there is always a 50/50 shot and we all know this going in to it.
people like to bring up how ungrateful one is when they have the nerve to complain about gender disappointment when there are many, many women who struggle with infertility and pregnancy or infant loss and it is seen as very ungrateful to complain about a specific gender of baby when many parents would simply LOVE to have a child and would never complain about anything.  ever.

so yeah..i can say 'fuck you' to those people because... I know what pregnancy loss feels like. I know what it feels like to try to get pregnant for months and months only to miscarry and then trying again for more months and months.
I know what it feels like to grieve during that....and I now know what it feels like to grieve after learning I will never have another son. Milo will never have a brother. oh how I wanted him to have that. I wanted him to have that bond with a sibling....I always wanted that and never had it.

I can tell you grieving is grieving and the disappointment is very real and very hard.

I also know that rationally I should NOT feel this way. I know that this baby will be totally loved and she is meant to be a part of this family. that i am so fortunate and lucky.  I know that we will someday look back and not be able to imagine our world without her. that is what having a baby does. they are so a part of you...of your life...your flesh your breath...instantly they become your world....and to remember a world before them seems impossible and when you do manage to think back, those times feel empty in comparison.
I know some brothers hate each other and some boys have sisters who they are very close with. I know that just because I want my kids to have good relationships with each other doesn't mean they will.

 I know rationally that all children are different, all girls are not the same just as all boys are not the same. that the fear I have of another girl like Riley...dramatic and emotional and constantly challenging...with all the battles I fight against society and body image and pop culture influence and screening everything from TV shows to toys to clothes to music because she sucks it all up and wants to be this thing...this sexy, popular, famous, princess, justin beiber's girlfriend, materialistic, shallow, dumb, slut...(not that she is....but that is the battle i am fighting) well....I know not all girls are like this and this battle is not one I am guaranteed to be fighting forever....right? right. and even if I do fight that battle, I know rationally that it is ok. and that having a daughter is as important and wonderful as having a son.

but FUCK. I am not thinking rationally right now. I am hormonal!! I am an emotional tornado! I LOVE being a mother to a boy. it is so easy!!!! it feels so completely different. it feels....natural. like I don't have to worry as much. I can just....enjoy it. enjoy him. mother him in a way that doesn't involve screening and battling society.  I feel like I am a better mother to him....that I suck as a mother to my daughter.  that I have a shitty relationship with my mother and I don't like girls.  I don't.  they are brats and snotty and manipulative and emotionally crazy and every girl is a slut.  including me.  I suck.  this is why I don't have many friends.   because i can't fucking stand most women.

and yes, I know Milo is TWO and in a totally different stage. and I know I sound completely fucking nuts right now.

*side note: I used to say "fucking nuts" all the time when riley was little....until one day she said "funky nuggets" and I realized 3 things 1. she was trying to say fucking nuts like mommy says all the time and 2. I am SO glad she interpreted this wrong and invented a totally cute and awesome new saying and 3. I need to watch my fucking mouth.

anyway...so yes. learning we would be having a girl sent me into a sadness...I sobbed for 3 days. I have all these fears. and I have all this guilt. this girl deserves to have a mom that is excited to have her and I am not there....yet. but I will be. I know I can get there.  hopefully she will make me a better person...or at least this experience will....because i just read this vomiting of a 'blog' and i sound like a totally crazy asshat.  see?  women are CRAZY.

I am going to go slam my head on my desk now.  then I am going to eat ice cream until I can't move.  then I will mope around and cry about how gross and fat I am.  because this is how my gender deals with being an emotional, self loathing, basket case.   well that and having drunken sex and flirting with men at bars to fill their suffering egos because they find value in things like sexual attention.  (read: being SLUTS)

but I can't do that anymore because I am too busy being pregnant, ungrateful and married.

moving right along

whoa. i suck at blogging. the last couple months have been...CRAP. this pregnancy has been brutal. sick and barfing? check. extreme exhaustion? check. sciatic nerve pain? yup. i pretty much couldn't move for a couple weeks....as in i couldn't bend over to brush my teeth over the sink. i had to sit to get dressed. i couldn't lift anything or bend over at all. it sucked. things are better now. we spent a week in Hawaii a couple weeks ago. that has a way of improving everything. in fact, i am pretty sure it cured my back issues....AND i didn't vomit once on the trip. sadly, it started back up when we got home..but we may be on our way out with all that. hear that? optimism. the next big ultrasound is on Thursday. i will be 18 weeks and will hopefully find out if baby #3 (and the final child i will ever birth *tear*) will be a boy or girl. hoping for another boy! but i will be happy with whatever and will only contemplate sending a baby girl down a river in a basket for a week or so before i move on and start buying striped dresses, yellow skirts, and polka dot mary janes. how about some pregnancy pics?

it won't let me write text under the pics and the spacing is all wonky. so...the top is 15 weeks, then 16, then 17 weeks. i will take the 18 week pic tomorrow! yippy! and some vacation pics!

NT scan-11 weeks 2 days

baby is kicking and moving! the scan went well and everything looked normal...still waiting on official test results...

but it was amazing to the little babe! who now has a face and hands and feet....

this was a major milestone...for many reasons....the biggest being that statistically you have a less than 2% chance of miscarriage after heartbeat is seen at 12 weeks. i hope i can now settle into the reality of all this...that all this puking and feeling like crap really does mean something....that i don't just have the worst flu ever...hopefully i can let my guard down a little and start to feel excited for a new baby....a new member of our family! when it moves from just this potential maybe idea of a baby...to an actual baby that will be born into our lives.

i measured a couple days ahead of schedule...moved my due date to Oct 22....heartbeat was a nice strong 169 bpm. (i just checked back on this here blog and Milo's HR was 170 at 11 weeks...hope we have another boy in there!)

i have a little profile pic from the ultrasound....i will post it in a min :)

gag, barf, gag.

i suck at blogging.

here is what i have been doing:

-gagging
-heaving
-barfing
-sitting on the couch unable to move
-not showering
-battling with food, which i HATE but must have.
-sleeping
-wallowing around feeling ugly, disgusting, fat, sick, miserable.....and happy!

let me tell you how awesome it is to change poopy toddler diapers when you feel like barfing all day long. SO FUN.


so yes. first trimester, oh how i hate thee....but am thankful for thee nonetheless.

NT scan is on Wednesday. nervous of course. i will be 11 weeks, so hope all looks well and the way it is supposed to.

the news

ok. so ultrasound was today. and there is an adorable tiny baby blob in there! with a heartbeat!!

HOLY SHIT!!!

i have a pic....will add later. :)


Due Date: October 25
heart rate was 136bpm
baby blob looked just like Dan.
it's a boy! harharhar

i am in shock. totally excited. but in shock.



also...i feel like barfing all day long....but so far only have lost it twice. the key is to eat constantly. this is impossible when all you want to do is barf. but you must do it!

saving my life right now:

-cold cheese sandwiches. as in bread, mayo, cheddar, lettuce
-ginger ale, 7up, club soda with lime
-"Tea" made by grating fresh ginger, squezze of lemon and honey, add hot water. sip until urge to hurl passes.
-Coconut water...right now it is Zico dark chocolate and it is OMG so GOOD.

in other news

we got chicks! yes, we will have a backyard, urban flock of chickens. they are 2 weeks old now and growing like crazy. they are approaching the awkward teen chicken stage....with wonky feathers and gangly feet....when we got them they were tiny balls of fuzz. They live in the basement right now in a brooder and will move to a sweet outdoor coop in about a month. then...hopefully by mid-end of summer we will have eggs! can't wait!

the haps of late

oh hi.

so on Feb 13th, at 11 dpo, i got this:






















and then i got this, you know, just for fun:

















so i had about 2 days of hopeful and calm pregnancy thoughts.....but you know it can't be easy for me, right? ....so then, 2 days after my beautiful pregnancy test......

i had bleeding. cramps. red blood. a clot. (sorry...but if that grosses you out...you are on the wrong blog)

so.....of course...I'm sad. devastated. we talk about how we should take a break from trying for awhile because this is just too much. too emotional.

but i only had that bleeding one time. in fact i woke up the next morning prepared for the worst but i had a dry pad and no cramps.

so WTF, right? WHAT. THE. FUCK.

so i wait for it to start. and wait. and a week goes by. and then i decide to go get my beta numbers done....

20 dpo: 5600
22 dpo: 10,000


so.......now i wait to see if there is in fact a baby growing in there....my u/s is next Wednesday.

i am not very hopeful. i am not very confident. i am trying to not get ahead of myself......and i hate this fucking limbo. because i can't be excited and i can't down a bottle of tequila. i just have to wait. and wait. and hope to not see more blood every single fucking time i go pee.

so yes, i am technically pregnant. but i had a missed miscarriage in Dec 08 that haunts me. well, i guess they all do.


onto the fun stuff:
no puking yet...but I've had a couple of those "omg this is the grossest thing i have ever eaten" moments while eating a meal that pass and you continue eating...like this AM while eating scrambled eggs.
cravings: tuna melt, veggie bagels, rocky road.
aversions: nothing really yet...but Dan ate some bbq potato chips last night and the smell made me want to kill him.
other stuff: i am starving. and exhausted. on sunday i took two, 3 hour naps. this morning for breakfast i had 2 eggo waffles, 2 scrambled eggs, and an english muffin. and i was still hungry. and who eats eggo waffles? 5 year olds and pregnant women.
oh and my nips hurt and i am still breastfeeding milo....let me tell you how awesome that feels.

so....another year, another month, another rollercoaster. everyone cross your fingers next wednesday.

hi! i am a whiny brat.

so...still here...still not pregnant.

some days i am like....oh IT WILL happen and i am so confident and think about outfits in seasons and sibling pictures.

other days....i feel like....it may never happen and i have to come to terms with that.

i know that may sound overly dramatic and i don't have a 'real' problem in the world of infertility....but it feels like that. i am not young. i am a "habitual aborter". and i try to be optimistic and patient and all those things you need to be but...it just starts to wear you down after a few months of trying and miscarrying and whatever.

so we are on to month #7 of ttc with one loss. it took 13 months with 2 miscarriages to get Milo. Lets see just how much it will take for the next one.

we are all set with the new car and saved baby clothes in tupperware. i have been taking all my vitamins for months and i am stocked with pregnancy tests and progesterone and all this bullshit that doesn't even matter....because crackheads can get pregnant. so does it matter if i take enough folic acid? sure. but will it guarantee me a baby? nope.

see...i haven't been blogging because i sound like this.

and i want to be happy for everyone that doesn't have to go through any of this and is pregnant...and i am. i am happy for everyone i know or don't know but am facebook friends with and watch from afar....i am happy because having a baby is so magical and amazing and it is so amazing when it happens for anyone....but i am so fucking jealous that it isn't happening for me yet and i know that makes me a whiny brat who is selfish and dumb and a bitch.

so fine.


did i mention i am PMSing?

ha!

oh and i am almost out of tampons but i will NOT buy more because i won't need them....because this is the LAST STUPID FUCKING PERIOD i will have for at least 10 months. SO THERE.

a bit belated...but...

December!

no longer on the bench.


and we just bought a car that seats 7. SEVEN. guess who plans to fill every available seat with a baby? ME. that's who.

that sound crazier than it is....4 of the seats are spoken for.....which really only leaves 3 seats. and the middle seat in the 3rd row doesn't really count....so....yeah....BABIES!

BRING IT.

wonder how many months it will take to get knocked up....again.....back to where i started.....wasn't it just August?

PS sort of annoying that i will either be getting my period or testing on Christmas. it is my favorite holiday.....and i just don't want anything to spoil it....it would be the ultimate gift to get a positive test that day....but i'm not holding my breath.....but just in case:


Dear Santa,

Please bring me a positive pregnancy test for christmas. Well, i guess i will be taking the test in my bathroom vanity i have been saving....so just fill my bladder with good urine. and put a baby in my uterus. but not your baby...my husband's. i know for this to happen we will need to get busy about 2 weeks before christmas....but i don't claim to understand how your magic works, Santa. i just want you to bring me this one gift, somehow. some way. positive pregnancy test. k? Bonus points if it actually sticks and turns out to be a baby.

there is one, and only one, way to correctly make a turkey sandwich after thanksgiving.

1. white bread, mayo.

















2. cranberry sauce on one side, stuffing on the other.

















3. turkey goes on top of stuffing.



















4. cranberry side goes on top of turkey side and BOOM. best sandwich EVER.

life

I got pulled over for expired tabs yesterday. and then I got pulled over for expired tabs again about an hour later.

yep, that kind of day.

as I was sitting there....the first time....watching the cop write my ticket in the rear view, I realized that most of the time I don't feel or act like an adult. I have no idea what I am doing and I am totally irresponsible...but I have learned to fake it over the years.....which begs the question: why learn to fake it, when you could actually learn to take care of responsibilities like an adult?

Because, dear abandoned blog,








I was going to put an answer there that would make all sorts of sense.....but I couldn't get past this: I'm lazy. because I am too lazy to be a grown-up.

I was too lazy to renew my tabs. I am too lazy to clean the fridge or fold the clean laundry.

the moments I actually feel like an acceptable adult/wife/mom are the following:


1. after the cleaning lady comes each month.



that is it. that is the only time I feel like a grown up.

November means December is close...

i know i have been a debbie downer lately....but no more! it is time to focus on my favorite time of the year.

warning: holiday cheer approaching.


Holiday Season Loves

1. eggnog
in coffee. use it to replace milk in recipes...like in pancakes, muffins, french toast, cakes. add some rum or bourban. add some ginger ale. did i mention it in coffee?

2. christmas music
i have been singing silent night to milo at bedtime for a couple weeks. i put on nat king coles christmas album on the record player daily. and listen while sipping eggnog coffee.

3. the smell of pine
oh how i love winter scented stuff. candles, soap, lotion, dishsoap. cedar, cinnamon, apple, pumpkin, pine, juniper, clove, nutmeg. there is nothing better than a warm house filled with the smell of pine and cinnamon.

4. cozy up
i love fires in the fireplace, warm blankets and a mug of something hot.....and alcoholic. have you tried a hot buttered rum? delish. and sweaters and scarves and boots and thick socks and coats and hats. mmmmmm.

5. gifts
for me. just kidding. i love shopping for gifts. this year i am going to try to only shop locally (in my neighborhood) to support our local shops....and i am also going to buy from etsy, because handmade gifts are way cooler than JUNK. if it is plastic and mass produced, i'm not buying it. this is going to be difficult with 2 kids....hmm.....is target considered a local shop? ha! i kid, i kid.

6. traditions
i really love coming up with our little families new traditions....and integrating some of our own childhood traditions. i love our elf tradition (my mom started this one in our family)....which is a gift on christmas eve which is always NEW PAJAMAS....which, as you know, is the only thing i wear. We are an atheist home, and have chosen not to include the idea of santa into our celebration....i mean, he is a part of it like a snowman is...and we still go get pics and all that....but we don't say that he is real and comes into our home to deliver gifts...the gifts are from us and santa is the mascot ;)

7. food
casseroles. roasts. apples. soups. stews. cookies. holiday baking. oh how i love food.


there are many people out there who dislike this time of year. they hate christmas music on the radio, hate shopping, hate eggnog and yuletide cheer. i am not one of those people. i LOVE THIS SHIT.

here are some pics from last year.....eeep! cant wait to get the tree!!








YES, i know it is mid November. and yes, i know there is still that Thanksgiving hurdle before I can decorate....but soo....very soon....