third times a charm

i was going to wait until tomorrow morning. it is best to test with first morning urine. it is also better to wait and test closer to when you expect your period. i got bored and thought it peculiar that i wanted a savory spinach and cheese dumpling this morning with my decaf latte instead of my normal fruit muffin. i never want savory. ever. savory is gross with coffee.

so i was bored. so i tested. so it was positive. so then i tested again with a different brand of test. i didn't trust the first one because it was a blue dye test that came free with my ovulation prediction kit. why would i trust it? i mean....it is blue!! so then the trusty FRER (first response early result) was also positive. so then i paced around and tried not to vomit from overload of nerves.

then i chatted dan. yes. chatted. with the first one i tested while he was home...the second one i called him to tell him...and the third.....chatted. i will text him the next one. or maybe facebook message him.

so now.....i am not going to get excited. i am not going to use assume this means anything. i am going to take it one day at a time. i am not going to stress. i am not going to even think about it!

so.....here i am.....not thinking about it. do-ta-do....



here is the chat.....and a pic of my pee tests. enjoy.




(click on to enlarge)

progesterone is fun!!

Prometrium:

Side effects may include:
Abdominal cramping, back pain, bloating, breast tenderness or pain, chest pain, constipation, coughing, depression, diarrhea, dizziness, emotional instability, fatigue, headache, hot flashes, irritability, joint pain, muscle pain, nausea, night sweats, swelling of hands and feet, upper respiratory infection, urinary problems, vaginal discharge, vaginal dryness, viral infection, vomiting, worry



i looked this up last night for a very important reason:

i had a bloody booger.

i know.

so after i googled "early pregnancy symptoms bloody booger" and found some inconclusive information that said it may be an early symptom.....i thought i should make sure it wasn't from the progesterone i am taking. you know, cross reference.

look at this gem:

http://pregnancy.about.com/od/amipregnant/a/strangepgsympto.htm


ah-HA!! SEE!!! AND....and......i had some gas earlier this week!! look what two symptoms are NOT on the side effects!


so i had a moment of pure excitement before i realized that there are other explanations. like maybe i was picking my nose too much. and i made chili this week.


now i am feeling depressed. and i have emotional instability. and i definitely have the irritability thing going on. do my feet look fat?

the difference

the difference between "Trying to Conceive" (TTC) and "Getting Pregnant"

(this is just off the top of my head....i could go on and on and on....)



"Getting Pregnant"

-you didn't even notice you were late!!! by the time you finally tested you were 8 weeks already! crazy!

-you say things like "i guess i am just SUPER fertile"!

-you don't have any idea when you ovulate and you sorta remember your last period. maybe.

-you say "it happened the first month after i stopped taking the pill!"

-you think having a double tall latte each morning and a glass of wine each night is "totally fine!"

-everyone knows already because why keep it a secret? you want to share the good news!

-you don't remember having any symptoms.

-you can say something like "it was a pleasant surprise!"

-you don't know where your cervix is, what it feels like, or WHY on earth you would touch it.

-you have never google searched anything about pregnancy




"Trying to Conceive"

-you know how many pregnant women are in the room at any given time. there were 3 at breakfast this morning. 2 at the grocery store. 4 at Costco.

-you can not crack an egg without thinking about your cervical mucus.

-you know the date today because you have been counting days for months and months. i can tell you the day i ovulated 3 months ago. it is scorched into my mind. i can tell you today's date, my cycle day, how many days past ovulation i am and when i am going to test. it is all on the calendar i stare at ALL DAY LONG.

-you order decaf. you take all sorts of pills, vitamins, hormones, tonics, elixirs. you stand on your head. you drink extra water and say "no thanks" to a glass of wine.

-every time your tummy rumbles, your head hurts, you burp, fart, stand up too fast, feel hungry or tired.....you think "IS THIS A SYMPTOM?!!!"

-you and your cervix communicate about 20 times a day.

-you have google searched every possible thing about pregnancy

i will take whatever i can get

don't you hate it when your only symptom in the two week wait....the only thing you have to clutch onto....the one thing that brings you a teensy tiny bit of hope.....is the fact that you have gas? the kind of gas that makes your husband gasp and shoot you a look of terror before running from the room. i hate it when that is the only 'symptom'.

bad day

something is up.

i don't know what happened....but i am in a bad mood. could be the progesterone i started taking last night. but i don't think so.

i keep having this thought...over and over....

"i don't want to do this anymore, i don't want to do this anymore"


i am just tired of it. tired of not succeeding at this fucking thing so many people succeed at. i hate this. i don't want to play anymore. i don't like the person i have become. i don't want to endlessly want something. i don't like feeling so sad all the time....even when i am feeling good through this process, i am still sad....i am either preparing for disappointment, managing my expectations, focusing on the positive things....i am just FUCKING OVER IT. i want to just live. i feel trapped in this fucking maze of pee tests and hormones and hopes and expectations and loss and blood and sperm and i fucking HATE ALL OF IT.

i know i am supposed to be positive. i am just over it.

i just feel like it is time to give it up.

i want to run away.

thanks, Today Show

Today Show: Moving on after a Miscarriage

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

i think it is really important to talk about miscarriage and i have also experienced this feeling that i shouldn't talk about it. i have a couple great friends....but not one that has actually gone through miscarriage. they were supportive but i felt a distance from them. so i looked for support online. luckily, i found other bloggers, i found amazing friends on babycenter. if you have never gone through a miscarriage, you are very lucky....and please remember to be thoughtful to any women who have. it will not go away immediately. you will hear about it for a very long time. please do not make this a forbidden topic....do not tell me to focus on other things. do not tell me to find a new hobby. do not tell me that it happens to everyone and it is so common. this does not make me feel better. thanks and i love you.

mittelschmerz

last night....while watching Mad Men and eating a slice of cake....i had the worst cramps. every so often i get mittelschmerz (love that word!) but they are normally on one side or the other....last night it was in the middle....just like really bad AF cramps. so i bitched and moaned and complained....and then realized i should be having sex, not complaining. so we did. i sorta wonder it this means i have a cyst or something.....hmmm...another thing to worry about. wonderful.

so....now i am on to the next wait.....2 weeks....should go pretty fast, with labor day weekend, the kid starting school, tons of house guests during the entire month of September....i think we have someone here every weekend. so i will have lots of laundry to do and bed's to make.

i am keeping my expectations low, of course. it is only the second cycle of "really" trying....after a surprise pregnancy turned miscarriage.....after 7 months of "sorta" trying but not really giving it a real effort, after a pregnancy and miscarriage 9 months ago, which was after "really" trying for 3 cycles.

anyhoo....

yay for "high" even though it means close to nothing!!