started bleeding last night. i'm crushed. again.
i know it will all be ok. but right now i feel so, totally, completely devastated. again. fucking again.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Thursday, October 20, 2011
5weeks
and i can still eat. i will feel much better when i am gagging and unable to eat.
all of this seems very surreal and silly until i am puking and peeing my pants. then and only then will i believe any of it.
since i never lost the pudge from my last pregnancy, i already look about 5 months pregnant.... if i let it hang out instead of sucking it in.... or if i wear this.
which i just bought.
yep.
sure did.
because when you are knocked up you can wear tight stuff to show off your bump...even if the bump is just pudge that you always have. when a baby lives in there, it is cute. when no baby lives in there....it is very NOT CUTE.
all of this seems very surreal and silly until i am puking and peeing my pants. then and only then will i believe any of it.
since i never lost the pudge from my last pregnancy, i already look about 5 months pregnant.... if i let it hang out instead of sucking it in.... or if i wear this.
which i just bought.
yep.
sure did.
because when you are knocked up you can wear tight stuff to show off your bump...even if the bump is just pudge that you always have. when a baby lives in there, it is cute. when no baby lives in there....it is very NOT CUTE.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
numbers
doc said numbers are good.....even though they sound low to me...he said they are doubling the way they should be...
12 dpo, hcg was 20
16 dpo, hcg was 72
so....still very early....i am going to wait for 2 weeks before I even schedule the first ultrasound.
time is never slower than it is in pregnancy. luckily i have a toddler to distract me. here he is hiding, one of our favorite games:
12 dpo, hcg was 20
16 dpo, hcg was 72
so....still very early....i am going to wait for 2 weeks before I even schedule the first ultrasound.
time is never slower than it is in pregnancy. luckily i have a toddler to distract me. here he is hiding, one of our favorite games:
Sunday, October 16, 2011
to take my mind off it...
crafting! i have been making these little bird ornaments. i make one a day....and will be putting them on christmas gifts...so, if you know me, expect one on your christmas gift :) i was thinking about selling them for a couple bucks on etsy....but i doubt anyone would buy them...they are "rustic"...all wonky and hand sewn....but that is sort of what i like about them...charm!
here we go again
i remember this feeling. it wasn't that long ago. it is fear. and then excitement. back to fear. daydream planning. then shaking it out of my thoughts. numbing it. pushing it away. and then joy. and then fear. fear. fear. then calm. peace. zen. what will be, will be. out of my hands. confidence. but then that all goes away when i remember. so i try to not think about any of it. which doesn't work. welcome to my crazy.
now we wait. and wait. and see if it sticks. it will, right? first beta was friday. next one will be tuesday.
now we wait. and wait. and see if it sticks. it will, right? first beta was friday. next one will be tuesday.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
socks and stuff
i have so many things i should be cleaning right now.
clothes, diapers, dishes, floors, toilets, counter tops, windows...
cleaning with a Taz tornado is sort of a buzz kill. you don't get that great satisfying feeling of looking at the good job you did...because everything you clean is immediately covered with a new mess as the tornado follows your around....
Milo can hear the dishwasher open from 2 floors away and comes hauling ass into the kitchen to climb inside and chuck knives at me. then he runs to his room and grabs toys and throws them in the dishwasher, along with his sippy cup, socks, sandwich...
it is a super fun game.
see how instead of cleaning, i am blogging? so glad to be back and have another excuse to procrastinate.
let's talk about laundry for a family of 4 plus cloth diapers.
annoying.
remember when you lived alone and laundry was like once a week....or maybe once every 2 weeks....and you would walk tot the laundromat with one basket and it took maybe 2 loads and you read a book and sipped a latte and watched clothes spin in dryers and it all felt so indie movie-esque and sort of grown up in a cool college way?
i don't remember those days either.
because my brain is mush and i am swimming in laundry. piles of man socks. how many socks does one man need? i think Dan has 5000 pairs of white socks. baby PJ's. tween jeans. disgusting cloth diapers (who's idea was this?) and of course all my elastic waist loungewear...because i refuse to wear anything that makes me feel fatter...like anything that isn't pajamas. everything i own has a Milo handprint in yogurt smeared on it. last night i took off my tanktop and half a granola bar fell out.
i thought this was the future. where is my fucking laundry robot?
on a side note: nothing, NOTHING, inspires me to clean, like watching an episode of hoarders.
clothes, diapers, dishes, floors, toilets, counter tops, windows...
cleaning with a Taz tornado is sort of a buzz kill. you don't get that great satisfying feeling of looking at the good job you did...because everything you clean is immediately covered with a new mess as the tornado follows your around....
Milo can hear the dishwasher open from 2 floors away and comes hauling ass into the kitchen to climb inside and chuck knives at me. then he runs to his room and grabs toys and throws them in the dishwasher, along with his sippy cup, socks, sandwich...
it is a super fun game.
see how instead of cleaning, i am blogging? so glad to be back and have another excuse to procrastinate.
let's talk about laundry for a family of 4 plus cloth diapers.
annoying.
remember when you lived alone and laundry was like once a week....or maybe once every 2 weeks....and you would walk tot the laundromat with one basket and it took maybe 2 loads and you read a book and sipped a latte and watched clothes spin in dryers and it all felt so indie movie-esque and sort of grown up in a cool college way?
i don't remember those days either.
because my brain is mush and i am swimming in laundry. piles of man socks. how many socks does one man need? i think Dan has 5000 pairs of white socks. baby PJ's. tween jeans. disgusting cloth diapers (who's idea was this?) and of course all my elastic waist loungewear...because i refuse to wear anything that makes me feel fatter...like anything that isn't pajamas. everything i own has a Milo handprint in yogurt smeared on it. last night i took off my tanktop and half a granola bar fell out.
i thought this was the future. where is my fucking laundry robot?
on a side note: nothing, NOTHING, inspires me to clean, like watching an episode of hoarders.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
a season has come and gone.
ok. it has been too long. i will blog. i will. i know i have said this before.....this time i mean it because we FINALLY HAVE INTERNET. it has been years. i mean, yes we have 3g and ipads and iphones.....but i apparently only blog from my laptop on the internet.
nothing really all that exciting is going on, i mean, other than the internet. i am happy and fat and baking with pumpkin every day. summer was great. we did a good amount of summertime fun activities like pool and sprinkler and bbqs and sleepovers on the deck and mommy drank a good amount of vodka mixed with lemonade.
Now it is fall and all is cozy. i busted out the crockpot. i dusted off the uggs and found my favorite scarf.
i want to get knocked up again...but my body has other plans i guess. i am still breastfeeding. Gasp! what? ew! i know. Tell him that because he thinks it is COOL as hell. the boy loves nursing and is showing no signs of slowing down.
i feel very ho-hum these days... i am content and happy....but i feel like i need a kick in the ass. i wear jams all day. i shower once a week. ok, maybe twice. i don't wear makeup. i only wear my glasses. so..yes, i let myself go. it happens. i should start running again but the babysitter moved and i hate running strollers.
i am boring myself to tears even writing this.
i blame the internet, but really i stopped blogging because i have turned into a lump of boring, dumb chub. my brain is mush.
enough about me and how awesome i am, lets talk about Milo.
he is 16 month and likes to climb on everything. like the dining room table. and once up there he does a little tapdance. he likes to run around and destroy stuff. like he'll rip books down from the book case and rip pages out and when you are picking up the books he will run to the laundry basket of clean, folded clothes and in a blur they are all over the house and he is screaming and dumping his leaky sippy cup all over everything and as you are picking up the clothes he takes off his diaper and pees on the floor and then stomps in it and.....
well, you get the point.
but he also will grab my hand and hold it in the cutest way and lead me around....and he likes to play with his little cars and trains and he loves books and will bring me a book and plop down in my lap and cuddle in and i melt every time. oh i love it.
i am still babywearing. still cloth diapering, still breastfeeding. and back to having another baby daydream....but that is another post...
here are some pics:
nothing really all that exciting is going on, i mean, other than the internet. i am happy and fat and baking with pumpkin every day. summer was great. we did a good amount of summertime fun activities like pool and sprinkler and bbqs and sleepovers on the deck and mommy drank a good amount of vodka mixed with lemonade.
Now it is fall and all is cozy. i busted out the crockpot. i dusted off the uggs and found my favorite scarf.
i want to get knocked up again...but my body has other plans i guess. i am still breastfeeding. Gasp! what? ew! i know. Tell him that because he thinks it is COOL as hell. the boy loves nursing and is showing no signs of slowing down.
i feel very ho-hum these days... i am content and happy....but i feel like i need a kick in the ass. i wear jams all day. i shower once a week. ok, maybe twice. i don't wear makeup. i only wear my glasses. so..yes, i let myself go. it happens. i should start running again but the babysitter moved and i hate running strollers.
i am boring myself to tears even writing this.
i blame the internet, but really i stopped blogging because i have turned into a lump of boring, dumb chub. my brain is mush.
enough about me and how awesome i am, lets talk about Milo.
he is 16 month and likes to climb on everything. like the dining room table. and once up there he does a little tapdance. he likes to run around and destroy stuff. like he'll rip books down from the book case and rip pages out and when you are picking up the books he will run to the laundry basket of clean, folded clothes and in a blur they are all over the house and he is screaming and dumping his leaky sippy cup all over everything and as you are picking up the clothes he takes off his diaper and pees on the floor and then stomps in it and.....
well, you get the point.
but he also will grab my hand and hold it in the cutest way and lead me around....and he likes to play with his little cars and trains and he loves books and will bring me a book and plop down in my lap and cuddle in and i melt every time. oh i love it.
i am still babywearing. still cloth diapering, still breastfeeding. and back to having another baby daydream....but that is another post...
here are some pics:
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