opk's- cycle number: lucky 13

so i think last night was positive. remember when i said this month i was going to be laid back and NOT use ovulation prediction tests? whoopsie!!

...

when time does not fly
but rests like mud

like august heat
sits on steps
in a sticky dress,
a fertility mess

i wait, i wait.
to ovulate.

i don't like you anymore, sushi.

so i am about a week away from ovulation. this is my favorite time of the cycle.....no stress....nothing going on.....nothing to obsess about.....i can have a glass of wine or some sushi without worrying.

except.....i just had sushi.....and almost didn't make it home alive. i almost lost control of all my bodily functions at the same time.....in the car.....in a pretty white sundress.....


almost. luckily i used labor breathing techniques to get through the intestinal cramping.


so that is enough of that for awhile.



i feel really good about the next couple months.....i am feeling pretty relaxed and hopeful. if nothing happens by October i am going to go to an reproductive endocrinologist.

this month we are going to take the laid back approach.....last month was the eff like bunnies approach....the month before was the go out of town and come home right before ovulation approach.

i am also not going to take prenatal vitamins this month....i am just going to take folic acid. i think the prenatals mess with my CM. so i guess i am doing an experiment this month.....don't worry, i will post results of this high tech study.

i will still do the low dose aspirin and progesterone.....but i may not take them next cycle. we'll see.


for now.....this week.....i am going to relax. i am not going to worry about any of it. i will start wearing the fertility necklace on friday :)



on the plus side, once i do get pregnant, i won't have any problem giving up sushi for 9 months.

month after month after month

if we are successful this month we would be due in May. my favorite month. I was born May 9th. my Husband was born May 8th. Mother's day is in May. My bff's birthday is May 27th.
Spring in Seattle starts in May. this is the month we all come out of hiding after months and months of gloom. the pacific northwest is a depressing, soggy place from October to April. Everyone is happier in May. The birds start singing again. We open all the windows for fresh air.

With that said.....i would love a May baby. but i am not expecting it. expectations are a tricky mine field to navigate through.

i really want to get to a place where i don't live 9 months in the future. i know this is not possible. but it would be so nice. i would love to not know how old my dream baby will be at his first Christmas as each month comes and goes. 7 months old if it happens this month. 6 months old if next month works. i do this every month. picture the seasons of next year. picture them all with a baby in different appropriate outfits. bundled in winter. naked in summer. newborn in spring.

if only i could give my self a frontal lobe lobotomy. i wonder if shock therapy would work.


i have been going back and forth about calling Seattle Reproductive Medicine.

on one hand i feel like i should be doing everything i can with doctors who specialize in this sort of thing. but on the other, i am already seeing a doc who i trust and has tested me for basic stuff and seems to be proactive and confident that all i need is some progesterone and i will get pregnant again and it will stick.

i know my husband would prefer i did nothing. he is confident it will happen. not at all worried or stressed.

i just keep reminding myself.....when we started trying last August.....it took us 4 cycles.....4. of really trying. so i should give myself at least 3 more months before i get worried. but i just hate this feeling.....this race against time anxiety i get.

so i guess if nothing happens by......november......i will go to the fertility clinic and have more tests done.

for now i just twiddle my thumbs.

her last visit

she has many names
and is the punch line to a few jokes.
always here, even when she is not.
like the moon.
like the tides.

i never thought of her
until i did

girl, you come without asking
now
like a vagabond with a cardboard sign
asking for snacks or money or more.
i would drive past you and not make eye contact
if i had a choice

but you hop on in
sit down
smile and wink like you own the place

in a way you do

this is the last time we do this
your last visit to my bed
my indifference has turned

like a simple table wine to sour vinegar

i don't want you anymore
(well, not for months and months)

so pack your shit and leave.

period.

next cycle

i have the worst cramps.

i am SO not pregnant this month. doh!

i could of sworn i was having symptoms.....up until Friday....i took a test...it was negative....and from then on all i have felt is PMS. cruel, mean, bitchy, painful PMS. now i am just waiting for it to start.

i was bummed about this for a minute.....now i just want to get on with it.

so weird.....we had SO much sex! all around the right time! what the hell? why is this process such a tease? there is no...i repeat NO....rhyme or reason to this! NONE. last month we had sex ONCE and we got pregnant. now i am on the progesterone to tackle the implantation issue....and what? i don't get pregnant? with all that awesomely timed effing? not sure what we will do different next cycle....i guess i need a new plan of attack.

plan:


1. wear fertility necklace every day.
2. wait until positive (or close) opk to start humping like rabbits. consider every other day approach.
3. i read something about grapefruit juice....or was it pineapple juice.....read up on juice and how it will help me get a baby.
4. for the love of god, start running again!
5. eff this no coffee bullshit
6. try.....try very very hard.....to make love. have fun. feel spontaneous even if i know i am about to ovulate. make husband feel loved and desired for more than his seed.
7. ask doc about progesterone and if i need more or less
8. take baby aspirin all month
9. get x-rays, dental cleanings, ect before 2 week wait.
10. think fertile, positive thoughts.

best necklace EVER!

i just got the most wonderful gift in the mail! my mom sent me a fertility necklace she got in Africa. it has lil penises!!!! lots of lil penises!!!! i am going to wear it every day. i will never take it off.
questions i am asking myself: are you going to wear it to bed? YES (um? of course!!!). are you going to wear it in the shower? YES. out in public? YES. will you feel weird about wearing a penis necklace all the time? NO.

observe....