life

I got pulled over for expired tabs yesterday. and then I got pulled over for expired tabs again about an hour later.

yep, that kind of day.

as I was sitting there....the first time....watching the cop write my ticket in the rear view, I realized that most of the time I don't feel or act like an adult. I have no idea what I am doing and I am totally irresponsible...but I have learned to fake it over the years.....which begs the question: why learn to fake it, when you could actually learn to take care of responsibilities like an adult?

Because, dear abandoned blog,








I was going to put an answer there that would make all sorts of sense.....but I couldn't get past this: I'm lazy. because I am too lazy to be a grown-up.

I was too lazy to renew my tabs. I am too lazy to clean the fridge or fold the clean laundry.

the moments I actually feel like an acceptable adult/wife/mom are the following:


1. after the cleaning lady comes each month.



that is it. that is the only time I feel like a grown up.

November means December is close...

i know i have been a debbie downer lately....but no more! it is time to focus on my favorite time of the year.

warning: holiday cheer approaching.


Holiday Season Loves

1. eggnog
in coffee. use it to replace milk in recipes...like in pancakes, muffins, french toast, cakes. add some rum or bourban. add some ginger ale. did i mention it in coffee?

2. christmas music
i have been singing silent night to milo at bedtime for a couple weeks. i put on nat king coles christmas album on the record player daily. and listen while sipping eggnog coffee.

3. the smell of pine
oh how i love winter scented stuff. candles, soap, lotion, dishsoap. cedar, cinnamon, apple, pumpkin, pine, juniper, clove, nutmeg. there is nothing better than a warm house filled with the smell of pine and cinnamon.

4. cozy up
i love fires in the fireplace, warm blankets and a mug of something hot.....and alcoholic. have you tried a hot buttered rum? delish. and sweaters and scarves and boots and thick socks and coats and hats. mmmmmm.

5. gifts
for me. just kidding. i love shopping for gifts. this year i am going to try to only shop locally (in my neighborhood) to support our local shops....and i am also going to buy from etsy, because handmade gifts are way cooler than JUNK. if it is plastic and mass produced, i'm not buying it. this is going to be difficult with 2 kids....hmm.....is target considered a local shop? ha! i kid, i kid.

6. traditions
i really love coming up with our little families new traditions....and integrating some of our own childhood traditions. i love our elf tradition (my mom started this one in our family)....which is a gift on christmas eve which is always NEW PAJAMAS....which, as you know, is the only thing i wear. We are an atheist home, and have chosen not to include the idea of santa into our celebration....i mean, he is a part of it like a snowman is...and we still go get pics and all that....but we don't say that he is real and comes into our home to deliver gifts...the gifts are from us and santa is the mascot ;)

7. food
casseroles. roasts. apples. soups. stews. cookies. holiday baking. oh how i love food.


there are many people out there who dislike this time of year. they hate christmas music on the radio, hate shopping, hate eggnog and yuletide cheer. i am not one of those people. i LOVE THIS SHIT.

here are some pics from last year.....eeep! cant wait to get the tree!!








YES, i know it is mid November. and yes, i know there is still that Thanksgiving hurdle before I can decorate....but soo....very soon....

on the bench

hi.
i dyed my hair. i am no longer blond and cheery. i am now an emo brunette. don't you love how hair color can change your entire personality? wait...it doesn't? pssssh. whatever. (the new emo brunette me is rolling my eyes and biting my nails and staring at the floor).

i never went back to the doctor. i was supposed to go get another blood draw to confirm everything was...complete. i hated that idea so much that i said...nope...not going to drive all the way to the clinic, sit in a waiting room, get a blood draw, and get another fucking "i'm sorry" phone call from Dr. Hotstuff. so a week ago the nurse called me and reminded me that we should wait out this cycle.

wait wait wait fucking wait wait WAIT WAIT FUCKING WAIT. wait to ovulate. wait to test. wait for confirmation. wait for doubling numbers. wait for phone calls. wait for ultrasounds. wait for miscarriages. wait for it to be complete. wait a cycle. repeat. wait. wait. wait.


moving on to happy subjects...

my friend sarah had a beautiful baby girl on Thursday and i got to be there and photograph the birth. it was incredible. birth is just so powerful. it is so amazing and magical. i felt so honored to be there....i wish i had a beautiful pic to post, but i used my friends camera....hopefully she will share some with me at some point...

Milo fills my heart up everyday.

words words words

i have almost finished an entire bottle of wine...all by myself. if i squint my left eye i can almost see the letters on the keyboard. in other news, i baked a caramel apple upside down cake today.

tomorrow....is Halloween. it is also the day we got married. we dressed in costume. we kissed every anxious minute and took stupid pictures of the Seattle skyline. we were called back to the judges chambers and were told how important marriage is and i felt like she was scolding us...because...well, we were in costume and clearly not taking it very seriously. we giggled. my cheeks were flushed. i couldn't stop smiling. i think we were chewing gum. and it was the best thing i have ever done. my god, i love him. i am blown away every day by who he is. my husband. he is such a fantastic human.

a week ago, i was looking forward to our anniversary dinner...Indian food with no alcohol...we would talk about our growing family, what larger car to buy, how amazing everything is, how lucky we are....now... we will be drunk, eating the rawest fish possible....i will try to not burst into tears. things are still good. we are still very lucky for many things....but, we are also grieving and it sucks. it just sucks so fucking bad. it isn't just this miscarriage. it is all of them. they pile on top of each other. it is the fear of more. it is the crushing of hope. it is trying to celebrate with a shadow of pain hanging over you. it just sucks.



it has been a week. i think i am getting better. i feel slightly foolish for how hard i took this. there are no guarantees and i know that better than anyone.

anyhoooooooo....

i am going to go pass out now.

moving on...

i took this one hard.

i have many thoughts on this. putting them down in words with structure seems impossible.

none of it is new. it has all been said. to get pregnant only to lose it....to want this person. this addition. to imagine, only for a second, this person joining your family. you see little hopeful pictures of the future. and then it goes away and you must say goodbye to that little potential future. yes, it will happen again and maybe result in a baby, but not like that. not now. not June 2012. and there it sits. until it passes and even then. it was to be a huge month. now it is just another page on a calender that will come and go. like August 2009. March 2010. June 2012.

i just wanted it so bad. not only because of the obvious...but because i didn't want to go through this again. i don't want to suffer like this again. i have not felt sadness in so long. my life is so amazing and i am so in love with my husband and children and i forgot what this felt like. to feel lost in your own sadness. to want to jump out of your body. to want to numb yourself. to feel broken and unable to just shake it off. it just is so consuming. and i have a beautiful life to get back to. so....i need to move on. it is just so disorienting. i know it has been...like a day...

i feel better than i did yesterday and i will feel better tomorrow. these things happen. but i just hate how people say that. it wasn't a thing that happened. it was a baby we wanted that will never be born into our life. so even though you know it happens and happens to everyone....it still was to be your child and now is gone. it was your future and now it isn't.

so....i'll grieve this....let go of that future.....and move on. i have another future to get to.

didn't stick

started bleeding last night. i'm crushed. again.

i know it will all be ok. but right now i feel so, totally, completely devastated. again. fucking again.

5weeks

and i can still eat. i will feel much better when i am gagging and unable to eat.

all of this seems very surreal and silly until i am puking and peeing my pants. then and only then will i believe any of it.

since i never lost the pudge from my last pregnancy, i already look about 5 months pregnant.... if i let it hang out instead of sucking it in.... or if i wear this.

which i just bought.

yep.

sure did.

because when you are knocked up you can wear tight stuff to show off your bump...even if the bump is just pudge that you always have. when a baby lives in there, it is cute. when no baby lives in there....it is very NOT CUTE.