so...still here...still not pregnant.
some days i am like....oh IT WILL happen and i am so confident and think about outfits in seasons and sibling pictures.
other days....i feel like....it may never happen and i have to come to terms with that.
i know that may sound overly dramatic and i don't have a 'real' problem in the world of infertility....but it feels like that. i am not young. i am a "habitual aborter". and i try to be optimistic and patient and all those things you need to be but...it just starts to wear you down after a few months of trying and miscarrying and whatever.
so we are on to month #7 of ttc with one loss. it took 13 months with 2 miscarriages to get Milo. Lets see just how much it will take for the next one.
we are all set with the new car and saved baby clothes in tupperware. i have been taking all my vitamins for months and i am stocked with pregnancy tests and progesterone and all this bullshit that doesn't even matter....because crackheads can get pregnant. so does it matter if i take enough folic acid? sure. but will it guarantee me a baby? nope.
see...i haven't been blogging because i sound like this.
and i want to be happy for everyone that doesn't have to go through any of this and is pregnant...and i am. i am happy for everyone i know or don't know but am facebook friends with and watch from afar....i am happy because having a baby is so magical and amazing and it is so amazing when it happens for anyone....but i am so fucking jealous that it isn't happening for me yet and i know that makes me a whiny brat who is selfish and dumb and a bitch.
so fine.
did i mention i am PMSing?
ha!
oh and i am almost out of tampons but i will NOT buy more because i won't need them....because this is the LAST STUPID FUCKING PERIOD i will have for at least 10 months. SO THERE.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Thursday, December 1, 2011
December!
no longer on the bench.
and we just bought a car that seats 7. SEVEN. guess who plans to fill every available seat with a baby? ME. that's who.
that sound crazier than it is....4 of the seats are spoken for.....which really only leaves 3 seats. and the middle seat in the 3rd row doesn't really count....so....yeah....BABIES!
BRING IT.
wonder how many months it will take to get knocked up....again.....back to where i started.....wasn't it just August?
PS sort of annoying that i will either be getting my period or testing on Christmas. it is my favorite holiday.....and i just don't want anything to spoil it....it would be the ultimate gift to get a positive test that day....but i'm not holding my breath.....but just in case:
Dear Santa,
Please bring me a positive pregnancy test for christmas. Well, i guess i will be taking the test in my bathroom vanity i have been saving....so just fill my bladder with good urine. and put a baby in my uterus. but not your baby...my husband's. i know for this to happen we will need to get busy about 2 weeks before christmas....but i don't claim to understand how your magic works, Santa. i just want you to bring me this one gift, somehow. some way. positive pregnancy test. k? Bonus points if it actually sticks and turns out to be a baby.
and we just bought a car that seats 7. SEVEN. guess who plans to fill every available seat with a baby? ME. that's who.
that sound crazier than it is....4 of the seats are spoken for.....which really only leaves 3 seats. and the middle seat in the 3rd row doesn't really count....so....yeah....BABIES!
BRING IT.
wonder how many months it will take to get knocked up....again.....back to where i started.....wasn't it just August?
PS sort of annoying that i will either be getting my period or testing on Christmas. it is my favorite holiday.....and i just don't want anything to spoil it....it would be the ultimate gift to get a positive test that day....but i'm not holding my breath.....but just in case:
Dear Santa,
Please bring me a positive pregnancy test for christmas. Well, i guess i will be taking the test in my bathroom vanity i have been saving....so just fill my bladder with good urine. and put a baby in my uterus. but not your baby...my husband's. i know for this to happen we will need to get busy about 2 weeks before christmas....but i don't claim to understand how your magic works, Santa. i just want you to bring me this one gift, somehow. some way. positive pregnancy test. k? Bonus points if it actually sticks and turns out to be a baby.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
life
I got pulled over for expired tabs yesterday. and then I got pulled over for expired tabs again about an hour later.
yep, that kind of day.
as I was sitting there....the first time....watching the cop write my ticket in the rear view, I realized that most of the time I don't feel or act like an adult. I have no idea what I am doing and I am totally irresponsible...but I have learned to fake it over the years.....which begs the question: why learn to fake it, when you could actually learn to take care of responsibilities like an adult?
Because, dear abandoned blog,
I was going to put an answer there that would make all sorts of sense.....but I couldn't get past this: I'm lazy. because I am too lazy to be a grown-up.
I was too lazy to renew my tabs. I am too lazy to clean the fridge or fold the clean laundry.
the moments I actually feel like an acceptable adult/wife/mom are the following:
1. after the cleaning lady comes each month.
that is it. that is the only time I feel like a grown up.
yep, that kind of day.
as I was sitting there....the first time....watching the cop write my ticket in the rear view, I realized that most of the time I don't feel or act like an adult. I have no idea what I am doing and I am totally irresponsible...but I have learned to fake it over the years.....which begs the question: why learn to fake it, when you could actually learn to take care of responsibilities like an adult?
Because, dear abandoned blog,
I was going to put an answer there that would make all sorts of sense.....but I couldn't get past this: I'm lazy. because I am too lazy to be a grown-up.
I was too lazy to renew my tabs. I am too lazy to clean the fridge or fold the clean laundry.
the moments I actually feel like an acceptable adult/wife/mom are the following:
1. after the cleaning lady comes each month.
that is it. that is the only time I feel like a grown up.
Friday, November 11, 2011
November means December is close...
i know i have been a debbie downer lately....but no more! it is time to focus on my favorite time of the year.
warning: holiday cheer approaching.
Holiday Season Loves
1. eggnog
in coffee. use it to replace milk in recipes...like in pancakes, muffins, french toast, cakes. add some rum or bourban. add some ginger ale. did i mention it in coffee?
2. christmas music
i have been singing silent night to milo at bedtime for a couple weeks. i put on nat king coles christmas album on the record player daily. and listen while sipping eggnog coffee.
3. the smell of pine
oh how i love winter scented stuff. candles, soap, lotion, dishsoap. cedar, cinnamon, apple, pumpkin, pine, juniper, clove, nutmeg. there is nothing better than a warm house filled with the smell of pine and cinnamon.
4. cozy up
i love fires in the fireplace, warm blankets and a mug of something hot.....and alcoholic. have you tried a hot buttered rum? delish. and sweaters and scarves and boots and thick socks and coats and hats. mmmmmm.
5. gifts
for me. just kidding. i love shopping for gifts. this year i am going to try to only shop locally (in my neighborhood) to support our local shops....and i am also going to buy from etsy, because handmade gifts are way cooler than JUNK. if it is plastic and mass produced, i'm not buying it. this is going to be difficult with 2 kids....hmm.....is target considered a local shop? ha! i kid, i kid.
6. traditions
i really love coming up with our little families new traditions....and integrating some of our own childhood traditions. i love our elf tradition (my mom started this one in our family)....which is a gift on christmas eve which is always NEW PAJAMAS....which, as you know, is the only thing i wear. We are an atheist home, and have chosen not to include the idea of santa into our celebration....i mean, he is a part of it like a snowman is...and we still go get pics and all that....but we don't say that he is real and comes into our home to deliver gifts...the gifts are from us and santa is the mascot ;)
7. food
casseroles. roasts. apples. soups. stews. cookies. holiday baking. oh how i love food.
there are many people out there who dislike this time of year. they hate christmas music on the radio, hate shopping, hate eggnog and yuletide cheer. i am not one of those people. i LOVE THIS SHIT.
here are some pics from last year.....eeep! cant wait to get the tree!!
YES, i know it is mid November. and yes, i know there is still that Thanksgiving hurdle before I can decorate....but soo....very soon....
warning: holiday cheer approaching.
Holiday Season Loves
1. eggnog
in coffee. use it to replace milk in recipes...like in pancakes, muffins, french toast, cakes. add some rum or bourban. add some ginger ale. did i mention it in coffee?
2. christmas music
i have been singing silent night to milo at bedtime for a couple weeks. i put on nat king coles christmas album on the record player daily. and listen while sipping eggnog coffee.
3. the smell of pine
oh how i love winter scented stuff. candles, soap, lotion, dishsoap. cedar, cinnamon, apple, pumpkin, pine, juniper, clove, nutmeg. there is nothing better than a warm house filled with the smell of pine and cinnamon.
4. cozy up
i love fires in the fireplace, warm blankets and a mug of something hot.....and alcoholic. have you tried a hot buttered rum? delish. and sweaters and scarves and boots and thick socks and coats and hats. mmmmmm.
5. gifts
for me. just kidding. i love shopping for gifts. this year i am going to try to only shop locally (in my neighborhood) to support our local shops....and i am also going to buy from etsy, because handmade gifts are way cooler than JUNK. if it is plastic and mass produced, i'm not buying it. this is going to be difficult with 2 kids....hmm.....is target considered a local shop? ha! i kid, i kid.
6. traditions
i really love coming up with our little families new traditions....and integrating some of our own childhood traditions. i love our elf tradition (my mom started this one in our family)....which is a gift on christmas eve which is always NEW PAJAMAS....which, as you know, is the only thing i wear. We are an atheist home, and have chosen not to include the idea of santa into our celebration....i mean, he is a part of it like a snowman is...and we still go get pics and all that....but we don't say that he is real and comes into our home to deliver gifts...the gifts are from us and santa is the mascot ;)
7. food
casseroles. roasts. apples. soups. stews. cookies. holiday baking. oh how i love food.
there are many people out there who dislike this time of year. they hate christmas music on the radio, hate shopping, hate eggnog and yuletide cheer. i am not one of those people. i LOVE THIS SHIT.
here are some pics from last year.....eeep! cant wait to get the tree!!
YES, i know it is mid November. and yes, i know there is still that Thanksgiving hurdle before I can decorate....but soo....very soon....
Monday, November 7, 2011
on the bench
hi.
i dyed my hair. i am no longer blond and cheery. i am now an emo brunette. don't you love how hair color can change your entire personality? wait...it doesn't? pssssh. whatever. (the new emo brunette me is rolling my eyes and biting my nails and staring at the floor).
i never went back to the doctor. i was supposed to go get another blood draw to confirm everything was...complete. i hated that idea so much that i said...nope...not going to drive all the way to the clinic, sit in a waiting room, get a blood draw, and get another fucking "i'm sorry" phone call from Dr. Hotstuff. so a week ago the nurse called me and reminded me that we should wait out this cycle.
wait wait wait fucking wait wait WAIT WAIT FUCKING WAIT. wait to ovulate. wait to test. wait for confirmation. wait for doubling numbers. wait for phone calls. wait for ultrasounds. wait for miscarriages. wait for it to be complete. wait a cycle. repeat. wait. wait. wait.
moving on to happy subjects...
my friend sarah had a beautiful baby girl on Thursday and i got to be there and photograph the birth. it was incredible. birth is just so powerful. it is so amazing and magical. i felt so honored to be there....i wish i had a beautiful pic to post, but i used my friends camera....hopefully she will share some with me at some point...
Milo fills my heart up everyday.
i dyed my hair. i am no longer blond and cheery. i am now an emo brunette. don't you love how hair color can change your entire personality? wait...it doesn't? pssssh. whatever. (the new emo brunette me is rolling my eyes and biting my nails and staring at the floor).
i never went back to the doctor. i was supposed to go get another blood draw to confirm everything was...complete. i hated that idea so much that i said...nope...not going to drive all the way to the clinic, sit in a waiting room, get a blood draw, and get another fucking "i'm sorry" phone call from Dr. Hotstuff. so a week ago the nurse called me and reminded me that we should wait out this cycle.
wait wait wait fucking wait wait WAIT WAIT FUCKING WAIT. wait to ovulate. wait to test. wait for confirmation. wait for doubling numbers. wait for phone calls. wait for ultrasounds. wait for miscarriages. wait for it to be complete. wait a cycle. repeat. wait. wait. wait.
moving on to happy subjects...
my friend sarah had a beautiful baby girl on Thursday and i got to be there and photograph the birth. it was incredible. birth is just so powerful. it is so amazing and magical. i felt so honored to be there....i wish i had a beautiful pic to post, but i used my friends camera....hopefully she will share some with me at some point...
Milo fills my heart up everyday.
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