fair.

9 days past ovulation. cycle day 24. again. here i am. another month. as i approach the one year mark of "trying" i get more and more.....bored? negative? disenchanted? realistic? numb?

i feel normal. i made brownies yesterday and ate 5....which is a pretty good barometer for my period. (the brownies are my famous 'PMS' brownies...and i bake them monthly).

so...period should be here thursday or friday. if for some miraculous reason i hit saturday without any sign of 'her'.....i will take a test. but not before then!!! no way. no how.


now it is time for a vent:

we went to a bbq on friday and there was a woman there who i overheard saying she couldn't smoke pot or drink because she was pregnant. but she was smoking a cigarette. which grossed me out and pissed me off. i asked when she was due and she said november....and then told me about how EASY it was for them to get pregnant....it was their FIRST month trying!

i grit my teeth and smiled and said congratulations. she was severely overweight and smoking a cigarette.

i know there is no rhyme or reason to this. i know this has nothing to do with "fair". i know i should not be judgmental about a huge, nasty, unhealthy woman who happened to get pregnant easily. but i am judgmental and i did think it was unfair! (at least for a moment). and if i believed in god i would yell at him/her. i would yell so loud and i would say awful things. but most of all i would say "STOP RUBBING IT IN MY FACE, YOU ASSHOLE"

but i don't believe in god. and i just desperately want someone to blame. something to plead to. someone to yell at....because i can't yell at myself anymore. and i can't blame my husband anymore. and really, what i NEED TO HOLD ONTO is it isn't about finding a reason and finding who to blame. that is just silly. this is life. it is biology. it is science. it is sperm and an egg and timing. and it happens or it doesn't. it doesn't matter if you smoke, drink, smoke meth, eat vegan, drink tea, stand on your head or turn around five times under the new moon. if it happens, it will be because my body is doing what it is supposed to do and because my husband and i had sex around ovulation. it has nothing to do with fair.