18 w 3 days

we celebrated last night by going to a manly German pub and having bratwurst and pretzels. we were surrounded by dudes watching football and drinking out of beer mugs as big as their heads and egos. all of this testosterone seemed fitting and wonderfully appropriate for the day. but then i wanted to go home, eat ice cream and go to bed.

bars are really boring and loud when you are sober. this may seem obvious to some...but not me. i have always loved bars. and drinking. oh boy, do i love drinking. dealing with most things soberly is so hard! i keep discovering all the scenarios in life where i am normally nice and numbed up and able to deal....but now! holy crap!

examples:

fighting with my mom. this happens pretty often. wine, vodka, beer.....all these friends help my mom and i get through it relatively quickly. but now.....my mom seems nice and numb and i am a ball of rage and fury.

social functions. need i say more? funny how small talk is so easy when you have had a couple martinis. now....it is so painful and awkward and i feel my face tense and cramp and my teeth start to crumble in my mouth.

Christmas shopping at a mall. best way to handle the mob of shoppers and long lines of angry people.....have a cocktail (or shot of tequila) at lunch.....suddenly it all seems funny.

Christmas morning with my brother. if i could have about 10 mimosas i would not even have a bit of anxiety about this. but since i can't i am once again a ball of rage and fury. i can already feel the hives and ulcers.




i know what you are thinking. and i know i should admit here that i am an alcoholic who has spent years numbing myself with alcohol instead of growing up and being a better person capable of handling life and all it's stress.

i admit it!!! i totally admit it!!! alcohol makes my life easier!!! i am WEAK!!!!


so...anyway. a boy. a boy! i can't tell you how it felt to see the lil penis. it was like every Christmas morning ever all in one moment. this experience felt so huge. to share it. oh my god to share this moment. to look from screen to Dan back to screen and back to Dan. to feel myself so full of joy and to see the same thing in him. to want to just scream and high five and cry. to love someone so much and to feel that love instantly double because of this life you both created. to see a lil glimpse into your future as parents to this baby. this one on the screen. the one with my feet and his chin. the one with the penis. the one we wanted so bad. the one we tried for, the one we fought for. the dream we held onto, only one year ago TODAY, when we felt crushed and lost during the worst miscarriage. all of this felt in one moment. we are here. we made it from there, to here. and it feels better than i ever imagined.

i told Dan in the car later that that moment was better than our wedding day and he understood. at that moment i fell madly in love with our baby and all of this flooded into reality. We are going to have a baby. and it is a boy.