part of the story

so....it has been a tough few months. i thought it would be helpful to start this blog to focus on all things baby making, baby hoping, baby dreaming, baby obsessing.

for anyone who has ever "tried" to get pregnant you know the highs and lows that come each month. for those of you that get pregnant the first month of trying....you are very lucky....(i originally wrote FUCK YOU...tehehe)

my story is this:

in my 20's, i got knocked up a couple times. i was stupid.
i had an abortion. which ruined me for a period of time. i also had a baby when i was 23. everyone made jokes about me being too fertile.

i missed out on being in love with a man and sharing all things baby. i missed out on the joy of pregnancy in a lot of ways. i missed out on having a child with a man i totally loved.

i raised my daughter alone...with a lot of support from my parents.

years went by. i got less stupid. i met my husband, fell madly in love, married.

i wanted to have a child with him right away. i felt ready. i couldn't wait. but he could.

we waited a year. when i saw that faint pink line on the pregnancy test i felt like my heart was going to explode. i remember jumping up and down on the bed when i showed my husband.
i started making baby name lists instantly.
i looked online at cribs and daydreamed about what color to paint the nursery.

i spotted. like a lot. i didn't remember that ever happening. i also cramped a lot. so i went to the doc and the took my blood to check hormone levels. everything looked great...levels were doubling. the doc said congratulations, everything is fine.

i put the lab results on the fridge.

at the first ultrasound....we were told it was too early...come back next week.
at the second ultrasound the nurse looked concerned. she looked sad.
more blood work.
numbers dropping.
third ultrasound....confirmed no heartbeat.

i should mention this was right before Christmas. i should also mention the snow storm that shut the city down.

luckily i found a doctor to preform the D&C on Dec 23rd.
before the procedure he gave me 2 muscle relaxers, 2 vicodin, 2 600mg ibuprofen..... bless him.

physically, everything went well and i was healed about a month later. emotionally....i have been in a tornado. the sadness. the anger. the heartbreak. the rage. the hopelessness. the questions.

why did it have to happen to me? am i being punished? does god hate me because of the abortion? do i even believe in god? why am i so angry? when will my husband want to try again? will it happen again? when will i feel like i can leave the house? when will i be able to see a pregnant woman and not cry? when will the pain stop?


none of this is abnormal. it is just another miscarriage story. but this one is mine.