dreams

i had this wonderful dream last night.....that i took a pregnancy test and it was positive. i was so happy and excited and confident. and then i woke up. i sleepily mumbled to my husband "i just had the best dream....that i got a positive pregnancy test" and he laughed and kissed me. i wanted to go back to that feeling so bad. that dreamy place of joy and warmth and hope. i wanted to feel that confidence that everything will be ok.....

last month i had a dream that i woke up and was bleeding. i was pissed that my period had come. when i woke up i was relieved that it had not happened. i have thought a lot about this dream. because it was exactly what happened the morning of this last miscarriage. was my dream a warning? was this dream trying to prepare me? was this intuition? was this a prediction? was this just my subconscious fear manifesting itself in a dream? was this just coincidence?

i don't know. i am sure it was just random.....i was worried about getting my period.....i had a dream....and i happened to miscarry a week or so later.....

nothing weird about that.

except i have dreams like this all the time. dreams of things that end up happening.

but i also have dreams of giving birth. getting a positive pregnancy test and feeling calm and hopeful. holding a chubby brown haired baby boy with the longest lashes and perfect dimpled hands. these have not happened. not yet.


i think i had a positive opk today. i am not 100% sure. it was darker than they have been....but i had been taking them wrong. oh well. all we can do is hope. and dream. and fuck like crazy.