the day

my original due date was tomorrow. i have been waiting for this day to pass for 9 months. it has been a mark in the back of my mind.....originally i wanted to be pregnant by now....and i was, but that didn't work out either. i feel better than i thought i would. it is still hard and i still have a lot of emotions about it....but at least i have hope that it will happen again soon. i am just trying to take this one hurdle at a time....worry about having sex on the right days. then worry about getting a positive test. then worry about whether or not it will implant correctly and stay. then worry about if there is a heartbeat. and if all those actually happen.....then what? i have not let my mind go to that place. that was the place i went to immediately in November. that was the place it took me months to recover from leaving.


i wrote this in May....thought i would share it here...


sacks of stones
collection of feathers
how he used to trace each line
remembering a time
when skin tickled to touch

we think in seasons and
speak in storms.
there is a day in august
i can't wait to pass.
just a number. a square. a box on a grid.
a date someone selected and took away
retracted. nevermind.
i give it too much meaning
i do that a lot

stacks of stacks of paper
quiet words once.
scratched to scribbles
erase and replace.
shoved further and further beneath the bed.
where all things go forgotten.



i wrote this in February in one of my darkest moments:


there is a place for you here
little one
if i knew who to beg to, i would.
i would beg
with open arms and muddy knees
under the fullest moon
for you
to come back.




and now here we are. months have passed. mother's have given birth to babies. i am a year older and my statistics changed with this new age. life has gone on. even i have moved on. i have felt extreme anger and despair. i have struggled to put myself back together. and when i did finally feel better, life gave me another blow. another one taken away. i went from being a spiritual agnostic who believed in all sorts of magic and miracles to an atheist who believes in little. i feel more sceptical of everything. i have to be to protect myself. i can't be let down again. so...i am now an extremely cautious optimist. i feel good. i feel healthy. i feel like i have healed in many ways. i feel lucky to have my husband and daughter. i feel excited for the future and the potential of our family growing. i still daydream constantly about the baby that will be in my arms one day.

August

"High"? that is it? high? it was "high" last month* with one measly dot! this month should say "EXTREMELY HIGH" or "winner!" or "good god, you must be sore" or at least "highest".

(*update: i just went back and checked....last month's score was not "high" it was "good". i still think this month it should say "oh hell yes")

i guess it doesn't really matter how much you do it.....it only matters if one lil guy makes it to the prize.

i got a positive ovulation test yesterday, and i am pretty sure i ovulated yesterday (the tests say you ovulate within 12-48 hours after a positive....i am going with the 12 because of my other fertile signs....and i felt some ovulation pains yesterday)


i will probably test Aug 15th.....so that would be 12 dpo. i know i said i was not going to do that.
we will see how i feel.....maybe i will want to wait by then....i guess it depends on if i am feeling symptoms or not.

and if it doesn't happen this month.....we will move on to the next. i am setting my hopes low and told my husband as long as i am pregnant by Christmas. that gives us 4-5 months to make it happen.

dreams

i had this wonderful dream last night.....that i took a pregnancy test and it was positive. i was so happy and excited and confident. and then i woke up. i sleepily mumbled to my husband "i just had the best dream....that i got a positive pregnancy test" and he laughed and kissed me. i wanted to go back to that feeling so bad. that dreamy place of joy and warmth and hope. i wanted to feel that confidence that everything will be ok.....

last month i had a dream that i woke up and was bleeding. i was pissed that my period had come. when i woke up i was relieved that it had not happened. i have thought a lot about this dream. because it was exactly what happened the morning of this last miscarriage. was my dream a warning? was this dream trying to prepare me? was this intuition? was this a prediction? was this just my subconscious fear manifesting itself in a dream? was this just coincidence?

i don't know. i am sure it was just random.....i was worried about getting my period.....i had a dream....and i happened to miscarry a week or so later.....

nothing weird about that.

except i have dreams like this all the time. dreams of things that end up happening.

but i also have dreams of giving birth. getting a positive pregnancy test and feeling calm and hopeful. holding a chubby brown haired baby boy with the longest lashes and perfect dimpled hands. these have not happened. not yet.


i think i had a positive opk today. i am not 100% sure. it was darker than they have been....but i had been taking them wrong. oh well. all we can do is hope. and dream. and fuck like crazy.

what a waste of $18.99

ovulation prediction tests make me want to scream and rip my hair out. they are not even worth the urine i soak them with.

i have had 3 days of negative tests. this would not be a big deal if this didn't contradict everything fertile my body is telling me. do i listen to the tests or my body?

i am going to continue to test until i either A) get a positive test or B) my body stops acting fertile.

i will also continue to wear sexy dresses and go "commando".

all the questions in my head

so...it is after midnight.....between CD 12 and 13 (this always confuses me when charting...do i mark it for today because i am still awake....or tomorrow because it is after midnight?) and i just noticed EWCM. i had a negative ovulation prediction test today. i am cramping and have a backache (this could also be from a boating accident). so.......i guess we should wait for a positive test before getting to it.....but i feel like timing this boy stuff is such a gamble. i mean...it is such a crap shoot anyway. i think i will wait and see what the test looks like tomorrow.....and prob end up doing the deed tomorrow night.....but not tonight.....hmmmm.......or start tomorrow am.........
eeeek!

*update*

it is now tomorrow. cycle day 13. tomorrow is today. am i blowing your mind? we decided to try the twice a day until the day after ovulation approach.....starting this AM. (side note: last month we only had sex in the evening of cycle day 13 and i ovulated on cd 15). hopefully this approach will work.....and hopefully ovulation actually happens on Sunday, cycle day 15, or else.....it is going to be a long week....and i am already sore from wakeboarding....i guess some other areas might be getting a workout this week.

weeeeeee! this is the fun part!

i blame the heat for this meltdown

i am bored. BORED BORED BORED.

this cycle is DRAGGING.

is it really only cycle day 10? 10!!

i am going out of my mind.



i am not expecting much for this cycle....i have no idea if i will even ovulate or when. i just feel like my body could be out of whack from the miscarriage.....and the progesterone i was on. i should have asked the doc if the progesterone would affect my cycle. i just feel off. and impatient.

weird....doc called as i was typing that..... regarding all my blood work....and everything is normal. i have no issues. my thyroid is good....i have no clotting problems.....i am as healthy as a horse. a horse that has had 2 miscarriages for no reason other than bad luck. so.....whoohoo? i mean....whoohooo!! he does want me to take progesterone starting a week after i ovulate. and he did say this can lengthen my cycles.....so if i don't get pregnant i should expect longer cycles. ARG! perfect. more time to work on my patience.

this weekend will be fun....if it ever gets here. am i in a time warp? have i fallen into a black hole?

so last night.....we were doing it on the kitchen floor.....what? it was nice and cold on the tile! anyway.....was that an over-share? so....um...yeah...and my husband was like "is it that time yet".... which i thought was SO CUTE because he never has been remotely interested in timing all this stuff and i am so happy he is now. i said ....no.....later this week.....and not until then.....
(you know, for the boy stuff).....which has me a little freaked out....timing wise.....i mean the window is so small anyway!!! and now, with the boy stuff, i feel like it is even smaller!! plus the progesterone stuff from last cycle and now i don't even know it i will ovulate when i normally do!


i need a chill pill. not drinking during this part SUCKS. how does anyone deal with this type of stress soberly?


i might buy some ovulation prediction tests tomorrow. might help me feel better about this month and help pinpoint timing if my ovulation is off.

some things.

big things:

• we might buy a new house. this would require selling the one we have. this means i need to do some serious work involving a chainsaw and a dump truck to remove the extreme amount of devil weeds in the yard to aid in "curb appeal". i should also mention that our house is 70's mustard yellow with brown, yes BROWN, shutters and a metal awning over the front door. so it needs paint. um... metal awning. 70's. yellow. brown. weeds. i am going to try to not have a panic attack. but, oh! looking at real estate.......brings me so much joy!!! so exciting! i mean, it will also be so much work. but a new house! with more than ONE bathroom! i would feel like a queen!

• i think i decided today that i am not going to take a pregnancy test ever again unless i am at least one week late for my period. i know this sounds crazy. and i know you are doubting me....because you should....i am doubting me as i write this. but....nonetheless.....that is my goal. one. week. late. my reason for this is i actually want to protect myself from...myself. if i don't know....i won't worry. i won't stress. i will be oblivious. i will be safe. and ignorance is bliss, my friends. i am really going to fail at this plan. but it is a fun goal, right?

• my husband was frustrated with me yesterday. he said i was being "mopey". this made me want to kick his teeth in. i told him that he was being insensitive and that it was going to take me more than 3 days to be back to my normal self. he told me he wanted me to "handle my depression in a more productive way".....like not showering or brushing my teeth and wearing pj's all day is unproductive? bah! men. after i explained to him that he was, at that moment, failing at being a supportive husband and that what i needed from him was comfort and affection and not him being critical or acting frustrated......he understood. he apologized. we snuggled. and i took a much needed bath. we both feel better today.
  

small things:

• i accidentally took my prenatal vitamin on an empty stomach. blaaaaarg.

• i was aggressively making the bed and flipped the comforter up with such haste that it hit the light fixture above the bed and it came crashing down. now we have a scary hole with exposed wires, spiders, monsters, squirrel nests, etc above the bed.
  

• don't you love it when you buy a new candle and then forget all about it until you are cleaning up before the in-laws show up and then you find it at the perfect moment because you can light it in the guest room and make it smell fresh? i love it when that happens.

• i had a pile of papers from a midwife under my bed.....from december....from before the miscarriage. it was all sorts of pregnancy information...nutrition stuff...and i pulled it out last week for the due date little wheel thing.....and left the pile on the floor. today i went to shove it all back under the bed and the dog had peed on it. all of it. i didn't scold her.... because i kind of wanted to pee on it too. she beat me to it.
  

• remember when i said i was going to be healthy? i haven't started yet. i am living off of cookies and iced lattes. i will start tomorrow. at least i am taking my vitamins.