happy yet?

i don't know if i have mentioned this or not.....but i am still pretty numb in terms of my baby excitement. i guess we might call my behavior "reserved" or "disconnected".

the only baby item that has excited me so far would be the cloth diapers i have mentioned....and i think that is more because it can be categorized as research into something i am passionate about....and i somehow disconnect this with the actual baby and pregnancy.

of course i have explanations for this and they are all obvious. i have had 3 pregnancies in less than one year and two of them ended with no baby. no baby. no baby. this "no baby" outcome has a funny way of damaging the part of the brain that connects pregnancy with baby excitement.

i recently got in a huge fight with my mom because she had been asking me "so.....you happy yet?" almost every time i saw her. this hit a nerve, oh, about the fifth time she asked and i sort of snapped like a hormonal hyena beast monster. my mom did not mean anything hurtful by this question. she was not implying that i am not happy. she was not expecting me to fake happiness...she was not being passive aggressive and trying to tell me that i should be acting different......all of this i learned after accusing her of all these things. she meant no harm. i have a habit of accusing her for everything under the sun...a martyr...an eternal victim....a heartless meanie....when really she is just a mother that is trying to make conversation with her damaged mess of a daughter.

but it hit a nerve. i wish i could feel the excitement people expect of me. but it is still slightly buried under a few layers of fear. i brush things off as nothing....i react socially retarded.....when someone in real life* says "oh!! you had an ultrasound!!! how exciting!!!" i just sort of shrug and look away and shuffle in my boots. kick pebbles. whistle. change the subject. i try to muster out an "yeah" and it always sounds distant and like the voice of someone else. the fake me with the same voice as the one that once told a dentist my life story while on nitrice.....the whole time lying. making up a fake life story. i could hear myself saying these weird things based in no fact but i couldn't control it. that voice. the one capable of faking.

*my internet and blog friends seem to get a less retarded version of me because i don't have to act in a social setting. obvs.


anyway....all of this is slowly starting to change i think. each day i feel more secure in allowing myself to feel a little twinge of excitement.

today....while internet browsing my fave sites....two things made me almost squeal with baby joy. i felt that melty warm gooey feeling of baby delight.

the first was featured on dooce.com where baby Marlo was wearing some snuggly feetie pajamas that can be purchased here and i am seriously contemplating buying them in blue. (yes.....click on that....i dare you to not feel the strong snuggly pull)

and then.....on cute overload......omg......a chubalub (that is chub-a-lub...yes say it with me) babe with the most edible arm rolls imaginable is pictured with my most fave pet ever...the french bulldog. <--- click NOW. oh gawd. i melt. i melt. i melt. m......e.........l........t

so...i am getting there.