NT scan

tomorrow. if all things go according to plan, i will see an actual image of what looks like a baby.....tomorrow. the last time we had an ultrasound (at 7 weeks) it looked like a tiny ball with a flickering center. this time it should have arms. legs. fingers. a face. a spine.

i am trying not to panic. and i am trying to not think of the worst case scenario every single time we have any appointment.

it is still very hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that there is a baby growing inside of my body. i don't feel this. i don't see it. sure i am sick. sure i have what we would call pretty severe "symptoms"....and sure i heard the heartbeat a week or so ago. but still.....there is this doubt.

so i think this ultrasound will do a lot for me.....it will prove that there is actually what looks like a baby somewhere deep in my abdomen. under layers and layers of chub and self doubt....there is a life. a life that is growing and will one day be born. right?
and don't even get me started on if it is actually there what that means for the test part...i mean....the whole point of this is to test that everything looks normal and there are no obvious chromosomal abnormalities. do i even think about that part? no. that part does not seem to even register because i have yet to be convinced there is something there in the first place!

anyway.

this is what we will see.....tomorrow......at 3. hopefully. a healthy, wiggling, growing, baby.

and if it is true.....i promise to believe it is real. i swear.