a pic

there is a baby in my belly!!! wtf!?

NT scan

tomorrow. if all things go according to plan, i will see an actual image of what looks like a baby.....tomorrow. the last time we had an ultrasound (at 7 weeks) it looked like a tiny ball with a flickering center. this time it should have arms. legs. fingers. a face. a spine.

i am trying not to panic. and i am trying to not think of the worst case scenario every single time we have any appointment.

it is still very hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that there is a baby growing inside of my body. i don't feel this. i don't see it. sure i am sick. sure i have what we would call pretty severe "symptoms"....and sure i heard the heartbeat a week or so ago. but still.....there is this doubt.

so i think this ultrasound will do a lot for me.....it will prove that there is actually what looks like a baby somewhere deep in my abdomen. under layers and layers of chub and self doubt....there is a life. a life that is growing and will one day be born. right?
and don't even get me started on if it is actually there what that means for the test part...i mean....the whole point of this is to test that everything looks normal and there are no obvious chromosomal abnormalities. do i even think about that part? no. that part does not seem to even register because i have yet to be convinced there is something there in the first place!

anyway.

this is what we will see.....tomorrow......at 3. hopefully. a healthy, wiggling, growing, baby.

and if it is true.....i promise to believe it is real. i swear.

11 weeks

confessions:

we went out for a fancy sushi dinner last night for our anniversary. it was wonderful and delicious and very very raw.

i have had ramen for lunch 5-6 times in the last week or so. i know it has msg. i know this because i used to never NEVER let msg near me. it is poison!! toxic!! not allowed in the house!

i had salami and a hotdog in the same night.

i had waffles for breakfast and then again for dinner.

i have been drinking chai. i know it has caffeine. i know!!!! i also know it is delicious!!



ok...now that i have gotten that all out of the way and the guilt weight has lifted...

pregnancy related updates:

the appointment with the midwife went well.

we talked about all the normal stuff....i am actually not entirely sure what we talked about because the entire hour the only thing i heard was the voice in my head saying "when do i get to hear the heartbeat? will there be a heartbeat. fuck, i hope there is still a heartbeat. when are we going to hear the heartbeat? what if she can't find the heartbeat? man i want to hear the heartbeat....heartbeat.....heartbeat....."

on the outside i smiled and nodded a lot. i answered some medical history questions and later realized i had answered some wrong.

so after lots of talking, a pelvic exam, breast exam and pap.....she finally brought out the doppler. and after not hearing anything after probing my belly for a few minutes....she got the dildo attachment. lovely, i know. tell me about it. so a glob of lube and an uncomfortable yet intimate moment later and.....there it was. clear as day. the heartbeat. 170 bpm.


i am supposed to go in for the NT scan next week. this is slightly nerve wracking because A) it is another ultrasound and they freak me out and B) they are checking for abnormalities and genetic disorders like down syndrome. i am trying not to think about it until i actually have it scheduled...which i tried to do but couldn't because apparently there is only one hospital in all of the greater Seattle area that can do this particular scan....and they are all booked up! imagine that! but i need to get this scan between 11-13 weeks.....so they are "seeing what they can do".


what else.....oh! my digestive system seems to have shut down. i think around 6 pm each night everyone stamps out and leaves for the day. the machines screech to a halt. first my intestines bloat up. gas comes from all directions. nothing is moving. nothing!! (nothing really moves anyway....but at night! oh dear god!!) at some point after hours of pain and whining and moaning....the gas builds up to such extreme levels that it slowly escapes in tiny puffs here and there. this tiny puffs contain high levels of toxic poison that can kill husbands and dogs. at this point exhaustion has set in after hours of discomfort and pain. i wake up each day feeling great like it was all a nasty nightmare. until the next evening it starts again.

also.....i am still puking. but only once a day on average. sometimes i pee my pants when i am vomiting. just a little. but enough to make me realize that i asked for this! i wanted all of this!! i begged for this! and by golly you will get it and it will be ugly and awful and ridicules!!! you will puke all the time! you will pee your pants! you will not poop for days and days!!! but REMEMBER....YOU WANTED THIS!!!!! baaaahahahahahahahah



in other news:

i learned how to crochet today and am half way done with a beautiful scarf. next step will be advancing to knitting. soon i will be whipping out baby booties and crib blankets, no prob.
(this would be funny to you if you saw how janky and inconsistent my scarf attempt looks.)

hippie stuff

i spent many hours today researching cloth diapers. yes, cloth. i am such a hippie!! cloth diapers have really come along way....they look so cozy....i kind of want some for me....wonder if they make my size.
cute husband comment of the day: i sent him this link and he said "i like the brown ones!" which totally made my day.

speaking of hippies, i made an appointment with a Midwife.....it was time to graduate from the doc i had been seeing who sadly does not deliver babies anymore. I had a visit with him last week...we discussed sushi, when to go off the progesterone....natural delivery.....and he gave me a prescription for something to help with the puking. just a note: he said sushi was ok to eat! at some point, i mean, when i have an appetite for food again...i may indulge!

at first....the meds worked. i had a couple of days with no puking!!! and then yesterday i didn't even take the meds and felt good! i was able to grocery shop, cook, and even eat!!! i know!!! of course this also concerned me...because as much as it is awful to puke all the time....it is reassuring that i am pregnant. i know, twisted....but true.....i like to feel like crap because comforts me.

any worries went away when i puked up my rice krispies this morning....so whoohooo!
i feel like crap! yay! and the meds are not working! yippy!


so the appointment with the Midwife is on Oct 26th. i will be 10 weeks. there will be no ultrasound at the visit, but they do use the doppler to hear the heartbeat. can't wait to hear it.


oh! almost forgot to share......i drove to Taco Bell....at 10am last week....in my pajamas.....for a bean burrito with no onions and a Pepsi. it was either that or i was going to die.

give me burrito, or give me death.

ps it had been a decade since i had had taco bell or soda. remember?! i am a HIPPIE!!!
now i feel so conflicted.

baboom baboom baboom

heartbeat!! we have heartbeat!!

148 bpm of pure amazingness.


it was such a beautiful sight. i am completely in shock. i might actually have a baby! i know!! crazy!!!

7w1d

food does not want to stay in my stomach. food barely wants to go in my stomach...and once it is there....it wants out. the toilet and i have become very close buds.

so far...week 5 i felt good. had fun cravings. ate donuts. week 6 i felt queasy and had food aversions...gagged a few times....vomited once. week 7.....um.....vomiting often. food is enemy. i am thinking by week 8 i will lose the pounds i put on in week 5. i am getting to that point where i leave the house with a plastic bag to have on me at all times.

tomorrow is the big day. the biggest hurdle yet. the dreaded ultrasound. *screams* DUN dun DUN!!!

i think i am going to try to be in a zen meditative state during the ultrasound. i will be in a dream world...floating around in a calm blue ocean of warmth. i am going to remove myself from it and ask questions in the car on the way home. for some reason, the idea of actually being mentally and emotionally present at this event scares the shit out of me. if i had a fast forward button for my life....i would skip over the ultrasound and just show us celebrating later by buying baby name books and giving high fives.

6w4d

ever been car sick? or sea sick? ever taken too many codeine?
i live in a constant state of "ohmygod i might vomit".
if i move my head too quickly i gag.

funny thing is....this is SO MUCH BETTER than last time!! so far i have only vomited once. and i gag, on average, 5-10 times a day. With the pregnancy in December I was gagging 20-50 times a day and vomiting at least once a day.

Also, i pulled something in my jaw, so the gagging is even more enjoyable. not sure how i did this. could be some extracurricular activities. uh-hem. cough cough. have i mentioned that i am not aloud to have sex?

i am pretty sure the other mom's at the bus stop know something is up. i have worn the same nasty pajamas and hat for the last week. i never wear makeup. i am always drinking tummy tea or sucking on lemon drops. a couple days ago i went to the bus stop with a big glass of spicy V8. do normal people drink this? or just old men and pregnant women.

Each day that we get closer to the big ultrasound, the more nervous i get. i keep playing it in my head. i hear him say "there is the heartbeat!" and then i remember what it sounded like when told "we don't see a heartbeat"......i don't know if i will be prepared for either outcome....i have put a lot of my emotions on hold until that moment.


new cravings:

chicken noodle soup

and that is it. nothing else sounds good at all. i have filled the pantry with chicken noodle soup. it is coming out of my pours....like really. i think my sweat smells like it. so gross. i am going to take a shower now. pregnancy is SOOOO sexy.