Wednesday, February 29, 2012
in other news
we got chicks! yes, we will have a backyard, urban flock of chickens. they are 2 weeks old now and growing like crazy. they are approaching the awkward teen chicken stage....with wonky feathers and gangly feet....when we got them they were tiny balls of fuzz. They live in the basement right now in a brooder and will move to a sweet outdoor coop in about a month. then...hopefully by mid-end of summer we will have eggs! can't wait!
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
the haps of late
oh hi.
so on Feb 13th, at 11 dpo, i got this:
and then i got this, you know, just for fun:
so i had about 2 days of hopeful and calm pregnancy thoughts.....but you know it can't be easy for me, right? ....so then, 2 days after my beautiful pregnancy test......
i had bleeding. cramps. red blood. a clot. (sorry...but if that grosses you out...you are on the wrong blog)
so.....of course...I'm sad. devastated. we talk about how we should take a break from trying for awhile because this is just too much. too emotional.
but i only had that bleeding one time. in fact i woke up the next morning prepared for the worst but i had a dry pad and no cramps.
so WTF, right? WHAT. THE. FUCK.
so i wait for it to start. and wait. and a week goes by. and then i decide to go get my beta numbers done....
20 dpo: 5600
22 dpo: 10,000
so.......now i wait to see if there is in fact a baby growing in there....my u/s is next Wednesday.
i am not very hopeful. i am not very confident. i am trying to not get ahead of myself......and i hate this fucking limbo. because i can't be excited and i can't down a bottle of tequila. i just have to wait. and wait. and hope to not see more blood every single fucking time i go pee.
so yes, i am technically pregnant. but i had a missed miscarriage in Dec 08 that haunts me. well, i guess they all do.
onto the fun stuff:
no puking yet...but I've had a couple of those "omg this is the grossest thing i have ever eaten" moments while eating a meal that pass and you continue eating...like this AM while eating scrambled eggs.
cravings: tuna melt, veggie bagels, rocky road.
aversions: nothing really yet...but Dan ate some bbq potato chips last night and the smell made me want to kill him.
other stuff: i am starving. and exhausted. on sunday i took two, 3 hour naps. this morning for breakfast i had 2 eggo waffles, 2 scrambled eggs, and an english muffin. and i was still hungry. and who eats eggo waffles? 5 year olds and pregnant women.
oh and my nips hurt and i am still breastfeeding milo....let me tell you how awesome that feels.
so....another year, another month, another rollercoaster. everyone cross your fingers next wednesday.
so on Feb 13th, at 11 dpo, i got this:
and then i got this, you know, just for fun:
so i had about 2 days of hopeful and calm pregnancy thoughts.....but you know it can't be easy for me, right? ....so then, 2 days after my beautiful pregnancy test......
i had bleeding. cramps. red blood. a clot. (sorry...but if that grosses you out...you are on the wrong blog)
so.....of course...I'm sad. devastated. we talk about how we should take a break from trying for awhile because this is just too much. too emotional.
but i only had that bleeding one time. in fact i woke up the next morning prepared for the worst but i had a dry pad and no cramps.
so WTF, right? WHAT. THE. FUCK.
so i wait for it to start. and wait. and a week goes by. and then i decide to go get my beta numbers done....
20 dpo: 5600
22 dpo: 10,000
so.......now i wait to see if there is in fact a baby growing in there....my u/s is next Wednesday.
i am not very hopeful. i am not very confident. i am trying to not get ahead of myself......and i hate this fucking limbo. because i can't be excited and i can't down a bottle of tequila. i just have to wait. and wait. and hope to not see more blood every single fucking time i go pee.
so yes, i am technically pregnant. but i had a missed miscarriage in Dec 08 that haunts me. well, i guess they all do.
onto the fun stuff:
no puking yet...but I've had a couple of those "omg this is the grossest thing i have ever eaten" moments while eating a meal that pass and you continue eating...like this AM while eating scrambled eggs.
cravings: tuna melt, veggie bagels, rocky road.
aversions: nothing really yet...but Dan ate some bbq potato chips last night and the smell made me want to kill him.
other stuff: i am starving. and exhausted. on sunday i took two, 3 hour naps. this morning for breakfast i had 2 eggo waffles, 2 scrambled eggs, and an english muffin. and i was still hungry. and who eats eggo waffles? 5 year olds and pregnant women.
oh and my nips hurt and i am still breastfeeding milo....let me tell you how awesome that feels.
so....another year, another month, another rollercoaster. everyone cross your fingers next wednesday.
Friday, January 20, 2012
hi! i am a whiny brat.
so...still here...still not pregnant.
some days i am like....oh IT WILL happen and i am so confident and think about outfits in seasons and sibling pictures.
other days....i feel like....it may never happen and i have to come to terms with that.
i know that may sound overly dramatic and i don't have a 'real' problem in the world of infertility....but it feels like that. i am not young. i am a "habitual aborter". and i try to be optimistic and patient and all those things you need to be but...it just starts to wear you down after a few months of trying and miscarrying and whatever.
so we are on to month #7 of ttc with one loss. it took 13 months with 2 miscarriages to get Milo. Lets see just how much it will take for the next one.
we are all set with the new car and saved baby clothes in tupperware. i have been taking all my vitamins for months and i am stocked with pregnancy tests and progesterone and all this bullshit that doesn't even matter....because crackheads can get pregnant. so does it matter if i take enough folic acid? sure. but will it guarantee me a baby? nope.
see...i haven't been blogging because i sound like this.
and i want to be happy for everyone that doesn't have to go through any of this and is pregnant...and i am. i am happy for everyone i know or don't know but am facebook friends with and watch from afar....i am happy because having a baby is so magical and amazing and it is so amazing when it happens for anyone....but i am so fucking jealous that it isn't happening for me yet and i know that makes me a whiny brat who is selfish and dumb and a bitch.
so fine.
did i mention i am PMSing?
ha!
oh and i am almost out of tampons but i will NOT buy more because i won't need them....because this is the LAST STUPID FUCKING PERIOD i will have for at least 10 months. SO THERE.
some days i am like....oh IT WILL happen and i am so confident and think about outfits in seasons and sibling pictures.
other days....i feel like....it may never happen and i have to come to terms with that.
i know that may sound overly dramatic and i don't have a 'real' problem in the world of infertility....but it feels like that. i am not young. i am a "habitual aborter". and i try to be optimistic and patient and all those things you need to be but...it just starts to wear you down after a few months of trying and miscarrying and whatever.
so we are on to month #7 of ttc with one loss. it took 13 months with 2 miscarriages to get Milo. Lets see just how much it will take for the next one.
we are all set with the new car and saved baby clothes in tupperware. i have been taking all my vitamins for months and i am stocked with pregnancy tests and progesterone and all this bullshit that doesn't even matter....because crackheads can get pregnant. so does it matter if i take enough folic acid? sure. but will it guarantee me a baby? nope.
see...i haven't been blogging because i sound like this.
and i want to be happy for everyone that doesn't have to go through any of this and is pregnant...and i am. i am happy for everyone i know or don't know but am facebook friends with and watch from afar....i am happy because having a baby is so magical and amazing and it is so amazing when it happens for anyone....but i am so fucking jealous that it isn't happening for me yet and i know that makes me a whiny brat who is selfish and dumb and a bitch.
so fine.
did i mention i am PMSing?
ha!
oh and i am almost out of tampons but i will NOT buy more because i won't need them....because this is the LAST STUPID FUCKING PERIOD i will have for at least 10 months. SO THERE.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
December!
no longer on the bench.
and we just bought a car that seats 7. SEVEN. guess who plans to fill every available seat with a baby? ME. that's who.
that sound crazier than it is....4 of the seats are spoken for.....which really only leaves 3 seats. and the middle seat in the 3rd row doesn't really count....so....yeah....BABIES!
BRING IT.
wonder how many months it will take to get knocked up....again.....back to where i started.....wasn't it just August?
PS sort of annoying that i will either be getting my period or testing on Christmas. it is my favorite holiday.....and i just don't want anything to spoil it....it would be the ultimate gift to get a positive test that day....but i'm not holding my breath.....but just in case:
Dear Santa,
Please bring me a positive pregnancy test for christmas. Well, i guess i will be taking the test in my bathroom vanity i have been saving....so just fill my bladder with good urine. and put a baby in my uterus. but not your baby...my husband's. i know for this to happen we will need to get busy about 2 weeks before christmas....but i don't claim to understand how your magic works, Santa. i just want you to bring me this one gift, somehow. some way. positive pregnancy test. k? Bonus points if it actually sticks and turns out to be a baby.
and we just bought a car that seats 7. SEVEN. guess who plans to fill every available seat with a baby? ME. that's who.
that sound crazier than it is....4 of the seats are spoken for.....which really only leaves 3 seats. and the middle seat in the 3rd row doesn't really count....so....yeah....BABIES!
BRING IT.
wonder how many months it will take to get knocked up....again.....back to where i started.....wasn't it just August?
PS sort of annoying that i will either be getting my period or testing on Christmas. it is my favorite holiday.....and i just don't want anything to spoil it....it would be the ultimate gift to get a positive test that day....but i'm not holding my breath.....but just in case:
Dear Santa,
Please bring me a positive pregnancy test for christmas. Well, i guess i will be taking the test in my bathroom vanity i have been saving....so just fill my bladder with good urine. and put a baby in my uterus. but not your baby...my husband's. i know for this to happen we will need to get busy about 2 weeks before christmas....but i don't claim to understand how your magic works, Santa. i just want you to bring me this one gift, somehow. some way. positive pregnancy test. k? Bonus points if it actually sticks and turns out to be a baby.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
life
I got pulled over for expired tabs yesterday. and then I got pulled over for expired tabs again about an hour later.
yep, that kind of day.
as I was sitting there....the first time....watching the cop write my ticket in the rear view, I realized that most of the time I don't feel or act like an adult. I have no idea what I am doing and I am totally irresponsible...but I have learned to fake it over the years.....which begs the question: why learn to fake it, when you could actually learn to take care of responsibilities like an adult?
Because, dear abandoned blog,
I was going to put an answer there that would make all sorts of sense.....but I couldn't get past this: I'm lazy. because I am too lazy to be a grown-up.
I was too lazy to renew my tabs. I am too lazy to clean the fridge or fold the clean laundry.
the moments I actually feel like an acceptable adult/wife/mom are the following:
1. after the cleaning lady comes each month.
that is it. that is the only time I feel like a grown up.
yep, that kind of day.
as I was sitting there....the first time....watching the cop write my ticket in the rear view, I realized that most of the time I don't feel or act like an adult. I have no idea what I am doing and I am totally irresponsible...but I have learned to fake it over the years.....which begs the question: why learn to fake it, when you could actually learn to take care of responsibilities like an adult?
Because, dear abandoned blog,
I was going to put an answer there that would make all sorts of sense.....but I couldn't get past this: I'm lazy. because I am too lazy to be a grown-up.
I was too lazy to renew my tabs. I am too lazy to clean the fridge or fold the clean laundry.
the moments I actually feel like an acceptable adult/wife/mom are the following:
1. after the cleaning lady comes each month.
that is it. that is the only time I feel like a grown up.
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