Thursday, October 21, 2010


Friday, October 15, 2010


October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month.

On one hand.... This bothers me. I don't need to be reminded. I don't like that I was going along... Happily enjoying my Friday and something was on facebook and then bam! I am forced to think about something unpleasant, something tragic. And do we really need awareness? Isn't it just another tragic part of life? Aren't we aware enough?

And then the other hand is.... I felt lost. I felt horribly alone. Not because they don't happen. Not because i wasn't aware it could happen to me.... But because NO ONE likes to talk about it. Because it hurts. And it scares the shit out of people.

Anyway. Today it is a crisp, sunny, fall day. The leaves are yellow and the sky the brightest blue. My baby boy and I are under a blanket, belly to belly. Every single day I look at him, and my chest feels full. Like I might explode. The tears fall and the love pours out. I look at him and think "I wanted you so much, and it was worth all the pain along the way". I look at him and feel totally happy, totally in love. And every single day I remember the babies that didn't stay. The two potential children I had for moments in my belly. I think about them and wonder what they would have looked like...I remember the pain and heartbreak of saying goodbye. Every. Single. Day. I think about them because they were on my journey to here... In a cozy bed with Milo.

So, I don't need a month for awareness. But I do hope it helps women talk about their losses.

Thinking of all my friends who have had a loss...

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

more of 5 months

5 months

4 months...with dad...

i suck.

poor blog.


milo is 5 months! he has 2 teeth that just poked lots of high pitched pterodactyl sounds fill the house. he also stopped sleeping through the night for about a week...which was awesome. what else....he is amazing and a joy and very noisy.

enough about him....let's talk about me. i had a root canal. then my brother in law came to stay with us for a month. i also have a broken bottomless stomach. i am never full and always want to binge on crap. this may sound cute or fun...but it is gross and a bit horrifying....even for me. i think my husband has actually started hiding food from me...because i am like a vulture and will pick the pantry clean. i can eat an entire bag of chocolate covered pretzels in 5 minutes. ready.....go!

(milo has just reached a new level of scream. it is now so high pitched it is silent and all the dogs in the neighborhood are freaking the fuck out and my ears are bleeding)

last thing before i go....

the bumbo know where it says something like...don't put on elevated surfaces.....yeah...follow that advice. even if you are right there. even if it is in the center of the island in the kitchen while you are making a delicious fall soup. even if you are talking to the baby about safe things and soft surfaces.....your baby could suddenly...with no warning and no previous escape attempts....arch his back, fling himself out, flip in the air and land on the FLOOR. then there will be silence. then a horrible scream and you will cry and examine every inch of your baby looking for broken things or blood or brain injuries. it will be all your fault.

just don't do it. keep it on the nice soft floor....surrounded by blankets, foam and bubble wrap.

k bye!