Wednesday, December 23, 2009

18 w 3 days

we celebrated last night by going to a manly German pub and having bratwurst and pretzels. we were surrounded by dudes watching football and drinking out of beer mugs as big as their heads and egos. all of this testosterone seemed fitting and wonderfully appropriate for the day. but then i wanted to go home, eat ice cream and go to bed.

bars are really boring and loud when you are sober. this may seem obvious to some...but not me. i have always loved bars. and drinking. oh boy, do i love drinking. dealing with most things soberly is so hard! i keep discovering all the scenarios in life where i am normally nice and numbed up and able to deal....but now! holy crap!


fighting with my mom. this happens pretty often. wine, vodka, beer.....all these friends help my mom and i get through it relatively quickly. but mom seems nice and numb and i am a ball of rage and fury.

social functions. need i say more? funny how small talk is so easy when you have had a couple martinis. is so painful and awkward and i feel my face tense and cramp and my teeth start to crumble in my mouth.

Christmas shopping at a mall. best way to handle the mob of shoppers and long lines of angry people.....have a cocktail (or shot of tequila) at lunch.....suddenly it all seems funny.

Christmas morning with my brother. if i could have about 10 mimosas i would not even have a bit of anxiety about this. but since i can't i am once again a ball of rage and fury. i can already feel the hives and ulcers.

i know what you are thinking. and i know i should admit here that i am an alcoholic who has spent years numbing myself with alcohol instead of growing up and being a better person capable of handling life and all it's stress.

i admit it!!! i totally admit it!!! alcohol makes my life easier!!! i am WEAK!!!!

so...anyway. a boy. a boy! i can't tell you how it felt to see the lil penis. it was like every Christmas morning ever all in one moment. this experience felt so huge. to share it. oh my god to share this moment. to look from screen to Dan back to screen and back to Dan. to feel myself so full of joy and to see the same thing in him. to want to just scream and high five and cry. to love someone so much and to feel that love instantly double because of this life you both created. to see a lil glimpse into your future as parents to this baby. this one on the screen. the one with my feet and his chin. the one with the penis. the one we wanted so bad. the one we tried for, the one we fought for. the dream we held onto, only one year ago TODAY, when we felt crushed and lost during the worst miscarriage. all of this felt in one moment. we are here. we made it from there, to here. and it feels better than i ever imagined.

i told Dan in the car later that that moment was better than our wedding day and he understood. at that moment i fell madly in love with our baby and all of this flooded into reality. We are going to have a baby. and it is a boy.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

penis penis penis penis!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it's a boy!!!

i am so beyond excited. i keep crying. sobbing. i can't physically contain the amount of joy.

i am totally in love!!!!

(click to see bigger....look at those lil feet!!!)

Friday, December 11, 2009

french dip kicks

big news: this afternoon, Riley and i were in bed watching a movie (her) and editing pics (me) and i felt some pretty major baby kicks....well more major then they have been.....but nothing compared to the kicks to come....and i told Riley to put her hand on my belly and she felt the baby kick!!! She was so excited!

i think it was the french dip i had for lunch. it does a baby good.

countdown: 10 days until we see a mean until the gender reveal.

oh and the doppler should arrive on Monday according to UPS tracking....not that i have been stalking it every day or anything...

so the pics i was working on....i must share because my friend Sarah makes lovely children...i love photographing them so much....

here they are looking calm and collected (Avery took scissors to her hair a couple weeks ago) :

here they are laughing their cute tushies off at mom being HILARIOUS:

and here is Sadie being cute:

Sunday, December 6, 2009

16 weeks

it may be a may be just pure luck....or the stars aligned....but today is the second day in a row that i have not vomited immediately after waking up. i have felt almost human!!! i say almost because the trade off seems to be a splitting brain melting eye bulging headache. but i will take it!!

right now i am giving credit to the new flavor of emergen-C vitamin packets i just got (delicious raspberry) which i have first thing in the AM. i have even been gagging less during the day!

i really hope i am not jinxing it right now by blogging. but i don't believe in silly things like jinxing, right? right. i don't think the world could be so finicky and give a rats ass if i vomit or not and if i mention anything about it or not.

i am 16 weeks tomorrow. i had a visit with my midwife last week and heard the heartbeat again which is always nice. we decided to order a doppler for home. so excited to get it and try it out!

also....i have been feeling kicks almost daily. last night after some pink lemonade and jalapeno poppers i felt the lil guy (or gal) spaz out for a few minutes. such a fucking glorious feeling.

speaking of boy/girl.....we go in Dec 22 for the big ultrasound. eeeep! that is 2 weeks from tuesday, people!! holy crap! can you believe it? because i can barely wrap my head around all of this.....still. yes still. and yes.....i am happy. i am very, very happy.

i think that is it for updates. hair, fingernails, toenails, armpit hair, leg all growing at about an inch a week. pregnancy has turned me into a cave women.

sooooooo hot. at least the vomiting has kept my weight gain down somewhat. 10 lbs good or bad at this point? not that i give a shit. i fully accept the possibility that i will be a giant hairy waddling version of myself....with claws and guiness book world record curly toenails.

here's to self esteem!! cheers!

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

happy yet?

i don't know if i have mentioned this or not.....but i am still pretty numb in terms of my baby excitement. i guess we might call my behavior "reserved" or "disconnected".

the only baby item that has excited me so far would be the cloth diapers i have mentioned....and i think that is more because it can be categorized as research into something i am passionate about....and i somehow disconnect this with the actual baby and pregnancy.

of course i have explanations for this and they are all obvious. i have had 3 pregnancies in less than one year and two of them ended with no baby. no baby. no baby. this "no baby" outcome has a funny way of damaging the part of the brain that connects pregnancy with baby excitement.

i recently got in a huge fight with my mom because she had been asking me " happy yet?" almost every time i saw her. this hit a nerve, oh, about the fifth time she asked and i sort of snapped like a hormonal hyena beast monster. my mom did not mean anything hurtful by this question. she was not implying that i am not happy. she was not expecting me to fake happiness...she was not being passive aggressive and trying to tell me that i should be acting different......all of this i learned after accusing her of all these things. she meant no harm. i have a habit of accusing her for everything under the sun...a eternal victim....a heartless meanie....when really she is just a mother that is trying to make conversation with her damaged mess of a daughter.

but it hit a nerve. i wish i could feel the excitement people expect of me. but it is still slightly buried under a few layers of fear. i brush things off as nothing....i react socially retarded.....when someone in real life* says "oh!! you had an ultrasound!!! how exciting!!!" i just sort of shrug and look away and shuffle in my boots. kick pebbles. whistle. change the subject. i try to muster out an "yeah" and it always sounds distant and like the voice of someone else. the fake me with the same voice as the one that once told a dentist my life story while on nitrice.....the whole time lying. making up a fake life story. i could hear myself saying these weird things based in no fact but i couldn't control it. that voice. the one capable of faking.

*my internet and blog friends seem to get a less retarded version of me because i don't have to act in a social setting. obvs.

anyway....all of this is slowly starting to change i think. each day i feel more secure in allowing myself to feel a little twinge of excitement.

today....while internet browsing my fave sites....two things made me almost squeal with baby joy. i felt that melty warm gooey feeling of baby delight.

the first was featured on where baby Marlo was wearing some snuggly feetie pajamas that can be purchased here and i am seriously contemplating buying them in blue. ( on that....i dare you to not feel the strong snuggly pull)

and then.....on cute overload......omg......a chubalub (that is chub-a-lub...yes say it with me) babe with the most edible arm rolls imaginable is pictured with my most fave pet ever...the french bulldog. <--- click NOW. oh gawd. i melt. i melt. i melt. m......e.........l........t

so...i am getting there.

Monday, November 16, 2009

13 weeks

i am always dreaming of food when i wake up. today it was apple butter. yesterday it was shrimp. the day before it was tomato soup with grilled cheese.

i am still feeling sick here and there. i still vomit about once a day and it is not fun at all. you would think i would be used to it by now....i have been vomiting daily for 7 weeks.

my next appointment isn't until Dec 1st. about 2 weeks. at that visit i am going to ask for another ultrasound order to find out gender....i am hoping to go in around 18 weeks to find out....which will be right before Christmas.

in other news i have had multiple dreams with a baby girl making an appearance. hmpf. it seems my subconscious and i disagree.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

another pic

this one is also from last week's this one the baby is face down just chillin.....on the placenta. must be comfy. or the baby is like....i see you.....placenta! i will not lose this staring contest. no way. ah hah! you blinked! i win!

so she only gave is these two...this one and then one i posted a couple days ago. even though there were so many better pics! pics of hands and legs! ug. what a snatch, that tech. seriously. i was not a fan of her. at the end of the ultrasound all she said was that we could go. i was like " everything measuring ok?" and she said everything looked "fine". FINE? fine. what a bizzo.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009



oh god i think i have a problem.

i am 12 weeks pregnant and already have purchased 4 AIO (that's "all in one" cloth diapers)
so.....that means i have roughly $50-60.....on FOUR diapers.


i know there will be savings here....i mean.....that is the point. well, that and i HATE the idea of filling landfills with dirty diapers just because of convenience. hate it. and i know i will get a good stash of cloth and after a few months the savings will make me feel all high and mighty again.....but for now.....i just feel like a crazy person spending money on something completely unnecessary....when there are plenty of other things i should be spending money on.....and don't even get me started on Christmas and how the last thing i need to be doing is buying crap for a baby who will not even be here until Spring and i should be spending money on the child who has a Christmas list 3 pages long.....and the husband who deserves new underwear and socks.

ok. so here is what i have so far (and yes you can click on them to see a link of what i am talking about)

1 extra small Bumgenius AIO 3.0 in "clementine"
1 small Bumgenius AIO 3.0 in "moonbeam"
1 Blueberry mini delux in "mint blue"
1 extra small Thirsties pocket AIO in "ocean"

notice my color selections.....all in the blue variety except for the one clementine's to hoping it is a boy!

i think that is all i am going to do for the AIO's for the newborn stage for now.....maybe.....

next up? a stash of fitteds like these and a couple covers like these! weeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

Monday, November 9, 2009

a pic

there is a baby in my belly!!! wtf!?

Thursday, November 5, 2009

NT scan

tomorrow. if all things go according to plan, i will see an actual image of what looks like a baby.....tomorrow. the last time we had an ultrasound (at 7 weeks) it looked like a tiny ball with a flickering center. this time it should have arms. legs. fingers. a face. a spine.

i am trying not to panic. and i am trying to not think of the worst case scenario every single time we have any appointment.

it is still very hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that there is a baby growing inside of my body. i don't feel this. i don't see it. sure i am sick. sure i have what we would call pretty severe "symptoms"....and sure i heard the heartbeat a week or so ago. but still.....there is this doubt.

so i think this ultrasound will do a lot for will prove that there is actually what looks like a baby somewhere deep in my abdomen. under layers and layers of chub and self doubt....there is a life. a life that is growing and will one day be born. right?
and don't even get me started on if it is actually there what that means for the test part...i mean....the whole point of this is to test that everything looks normal and there are no obvious chromosomal abnormalities. do i even think about that part? no. that part does not seem to even register because i have yet to be convinced there is something there in the first place!


this is what we will 3. hopefully. a healthy, wiggling, growing, baby.

and if it is true.....i promise to believe it is real. i swear.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

11 weeks


we went out for a fancy sushi dinner last night for our anniversary. it was wonderful and delicious and very very raw.

i have had ramen for lunch 5-6 times in the last week or so. i know it has msg. i know this because i used to never NEVER let msg near me. it is poison!! toxic!! not allowed in the house!

i had salami and a hotdog in the same night.

i had waffles for breakfast and then again for dinner.

i have been drinking chai. i know it has caffeine. i know!!!! i also know it is delicious!! that i have gotten that all out of the way and the guilt weight has lifted...

pregnancy related updates:

the appointment with the midwife went well.

we talked about all the normal stuff....i am actually not entirely sure what we talked about because the entire hour the only thing i heard was the voice in my head saying "when do i get to hear the heartbeat? will there be a heartbeat. fuck, i hope there is still a heartbeat. when are we going to hear the heartbeat? what if she can't find the heartbeat? man i want to hear the heartbeat....heartbeat.....heartbeat....."

on the outside i smiled and nodded a lot. i answered some medical history questions and later realized i had answered some wrong.

so after lots of talking, a pelvic exam, breast exam and pap.....she finally brought out the doppler. and after not hearing anything after probing my belly for a few minutes....she got the dildo attachment. lovely, i know. tell me about it. so a glob of lube and an uncomfortable yet intimate moment later and.....there it was. clear as day. the heartbeat. 170 bpm.

i am supposed to go in for the NT scan next week. this is slightly nerve wracking because A) it is another ultrasound and they freak me out and B) they are checking for abnormalities and genetic disorders like down syndrome. i am trying not to think about it until i actually have it scheduled...which i tried to do but couldn't because apparently there is only one hospital in all of the greater Seattle area that can do this particular scan....and they are all booked up! imagine that! but i need to get this scan between 11-13 they are "seeing what they can do".

what else.....oh! my digestive system seems to have shut down. i think around 6 pm each night everyone stamps out and leaves for the day. the machines screech to a halt. first my intestines bloat up. gas comes from all directions. nothing is moving. nothing!! (nothing really moves anyway....but at night! oh dear god!!) at some point after hours of pain and whining and moaning....the gas builds up to such extreme levels that it slowly escapes in tiny puffs here and there. this tiny puffs contain high levels of toxic poison that can kill husbands and dogs. at this point exhaustion has set in after hours of discomfort and pain. i wake up each day feeling great like it was all a nasty nightmare. until the next evening it starts again.

also.....i am still puking. but only once a day on average. sometimes i pee my pants when i am vomiting. just a little. but enough to make me realize that i asked for this! i wanted all of this!! i begged for this! and by golly you will get it and it will be ugly and awful and ridicules!!! you will puke all the time! you will pee your pants! you will not poop for days and days!!! but REMEMBER....YOU WANTED THIS!!!!! baaaahahahahahahahah

in other news:

i learned how to crochet today and am half way done with a beautiful scarf. next step will be advancing to knitting. soon i will be whipping out baby booties and crib blankets, no prob.
(this would be funny to you if you saw how janky and inconsistent my scarf attempt looks.)

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

hippie stuff

i spent many hours today researching cloth diapers. yes, cloth. i am such a hippie!! cloth diapers have really come along way....they look so cozy....i kind of want some for me....wonder if they make my size.
cute husband comment of the day: i sent him this link and he said "i like the brown ones!" which totally made my day.

speaking of hippies, i made an appointment with a was time to graduate from the doc i had been seeing who sadly does not deliver babies anymore. I had a visit with him last week...we discussed sushi, when to go off the progesterone....natural delivery.....and he gave me a prescription for something to help with the puking. just a note: he said sushi was ok to eat! at some point, i mean, when i have an appetite for food again...i may indulge!

at first....the meds worked. i had a couple of days with no puking!!! and then yesterday i didn't even take the meds and felt good! i was able to grocery shop, cook, and even eat!!! i know!!! of course this also concerned me...because as much as it is awful to puke all the is reassuring that i am pregnant. i know, twisted....but true.....i like to feel like crap because comforts me.

any worries went away when i puked up my rice krispies this whoohooo!
i feel like crap! yay! and the meds are not working! yippy!

so the appointment with the Midwife is on Oct 26th. i will be 10 weeks. there will be no ultrasound at the visit, but they do use the doppler to hear the heartbeat. can't wait to hear it.

oh! almost forgot to share......i drove to Taco 10am last my pajamas.....for a bean burrito with no onions and a Pepsi. it was either that or i was going to die.

give me burrito, or give me death.

ps it had been a decade since i had had taco bell or soda. remember?! i am a HIPPIE!!!
now i feel so conflicted.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

baboom baboom baboom

heartbeat!! we have heartbeat!!

148 bpm of pure amazingness.

it was such a beautiful sight. i am completely in shock. i might actually have a baby! i know!! crazy!!!

Monday, October 5, 2009


food does not want to stay in my stomach. food barely wants to go in my stomach...and once it is wants out. the toilet and i have become very close buds.

so far...week 5 i felt good. had fun cravings. ate donuts. week 6 i felt queasy and had food aversions...gagged a few times....vomited once. week often. food is enemy. i am thinking by week 8 i will lose the pounds i put on in week 5. i am getting to that point where i leave the house with a plastic bag to have on me at all times.

tomorrow is the big day. the biggest hurdle yet. the dreaded ultrasound. *screams* DUN dun DUN!!!

i think i am going to try to be in a zen meditative state during the ultrasound. i will be in a dream world...floating around in a calm blue ocean of warmth. i am going to remove myself from it and ask questions in the car on the way home. for some reason, the idea of actually being mentally and emotionally present at this event scares the shit out of me. if i had a fast forward button for my life....i would skip over the ultrasound and just show us celebrating later by buying baby name books and giving high fives.

Thursday, October 1, 2009


ever been car sick? or sea sick? ever taken too many codeine?
i live in a constant state of "ohmygod i might vomit".
if i move my head too quickly i gag.

funny thing is....this is SO MUCH BETTER than last time!! so far i have only vomited once. and i gag, on average, 5-10 times a day. With the pregnancy in December I was gagging 20-50 times a day and vomiting at least once a day.

Also, i pulled something in my jaw, so the gagging is even more enjoyable. not sure how i did this. could be some extracurricular activities. uh-hem. cough cough. have i mentioned that i am not aloud to have sex?

i am pretty sure the other mom's at the bus stop know something is up. i have worn the same nasty pajamas and hat for the last week. i never wear makeup. i am always drinking tummy tea or sucking on lemon drops. a couple days ago i went to the bus stop with a big glass of spicy V8. do normal people drink this? or just old men and pregnant women.

Each day that we get closer to the big ultrasound, the more nervous i get. i keep playing it in my head. i hear him say "there is the heartbeat!" and then i remember what it sounded like when told "we don't see a heartbeat"......i don't know if i will be prepared for either outcome....i have put a lot of my emotions on hold until that moment.

new cravings:

chicken noodle soup

and that is it. nothing else sounds good at all. i have filled the pantry with chicken noodle soup. it is coming out of my really. i think my sweat smells like it. so gross. i am going to take a shower now. pregnancy is SOOOO sexy.

Monday, September 28, 2009


i vomited my breakfast today.
so it begins.......

Friday, September 25, 2009

bring on the carbs

cravings so far:

noah's bagel with veggie cream cheese, cucumber, tomato and lettuce.

donuts. must be chocolate cake donut with chocolate icing. only in morning. the thought of these any other time of the day makes me want to gag.

smoked salmon cream cheese on baguette.

chicken potpie.

also......i used to have the biggest sweet tooth imaginable. like i could, and have eaten half a layer cake in one sitting. i often eat half a dozen cupcakes without noticing. before the cookies have even made it to the cooling wrack, i have already eaten 3. but now.......not so much. i have no fact....cookies sound gross! dessert sounds unappealing and now i want to carb load on bagels! what the?!

the funny thing about pregnancy cravings is that they are random....and you become totally fixated on them to the point where nothing else will satisfy and you will drive extra miles and do weird things to conquer the craving.

also...hunger feels like sickness and sickness like hunger. it is slightly confusing. am i hungry? or do i need to vomit? i can't be hungry...i just ate.....but if i don't have a veggie bagel right now i might die. veggie bagel. veggie bagel. veggie bagel.

i am still pretty sure my nausea is going to get worse. still just comes in waves. i am expecting it to kick my ass any day now.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

early symptoms this cycle

i have been meaning to post the list of my early symptoms for awhile....and since i keep track on Fertility Friend and my VIP feature is almost expired....i should copy them here before they are gone. so i know this is weird for some people.....but us TTCers.....obsess about this crap. so here are my notes:

ovulation day: holy crap most painful cramps ever tonight
2 dpo: had some tiny fluttering in uterus
3 dpo: thick,creamy CM when i checked CP
4 dpo: lots of very thick white CM
6 dpo: it was abnormally difficult to poop this AM. constipation? little bit of cramping in the evening....and a tiny bit of uterus spasming...lasted about 2 seconds. also....i seem to have very bad gas. stinky.
7 dpo: cramps this morning? in my head? not sure. had weird CM in afternoon..... a glob of wet, eggwhitey but opaque white. but stretchy. CP was low, soft, closed, wet. some pain on right side.
8 dpo: little bit gassy. also a little bit constipated.
9 dpo: kind of feel queasy (progesterone prob). had some random cramps, pokes, pinches (PM). had a bloody booger. and i fell asleep after dinner for an hour and drooled all over the place. lovely. headache for a bit in AM. i feel hungry but i ate 4 slices of pizza.
10 dpo: slept in till noon after i got riley to the bus. lil dull cramps PM
11 dpo: CM seems watery....but whitish. have huge pimple on side of nose. afternoon headache. wanted savory pastry for breakfast. lil cramps, pinches, pokes (had first bfp)
12 dpo: light cramping in AM....still some AF like cramps in afternoon....felt queasy when hungry. had a wave of bad cramps after dinner.
13 dpo: FRER test fainter today. had pretty bad cramps last night. constipated today. pinching/sharp pain on right side. canker sore. SHIT day.
14 dpo: darker test!!! went in for blood test. headache. lots of thick creamy CM, stinky BO. crampy in afternoon. took 2 hour nap in afternoon....but didn't feel tired. (positive blood test)

Tuesday, September 22, 2009


i can't remember when the all day gagfest started with the pregnancy in December.....i am pretty sure it started right at 6 weeks. i was a mess and totally unable to function like a human. i am hoping it is not as debilitating this time...but of course i don't mind if it is. bring it!! i will walk on coals! sleep on nails! i will eat glass if it means i get a baby at the end! so what!? so i will feel like vomiting every second of every day for a few weeks? whatever! that does not even phase me. i can handle it. I CAN HANDLE IT, BABY!!!

so this may be the last few days of me feeling good and able to eat, smell and talk about food. so...shout out to food!
i love you, food. please don't take it personally when i curse you and vomit you up and gag on you and plug my nose when near you. soon we will be together again in happiness. here are some 'personals':
salted caramel cupcake: dude, you are so bomb.
donuts: i never liked you....but this last week you have brought me so much joy.
chicken wings: i may not want you now...but in a couple months we will have quite the love affair.
the "#11" burger from my fave burger place: holy crap you are amazing. the chipolte sauce, the spicy peppers. the smoked cheddar. i heart you 4 eva!!
all healthy fruit and veggies: sorry i have been neglecting you. it is not you, it is me.

so far the only major pregnancy symptom i have is that my nipples feel like they have been tenderized. and i LOVE it. (i will not complain. i want it all!!! just grow, baby!!)

2 weeks from today is the big ultrasound. can't wait!

Thursday, September 17, 2009

hcg fun facts

whew! so happy that part is over and the numbers look good!! Doc told me to stay on the progesterone and low dose aspirin and that i will probably stay on it until 8 weeks. He asked if i wanted to come in for an ultrasound next week and i said i would rather wait until 7 weeks so we can for sure see the heartbeat. So now I have to wait FOREVER to make it past the next huge milestone. I will go in Oct 6th for the ultrasound. eeeeeek!!!

side note: i had a tiny bit of pink spotting on tuesday. only there once. teensy tiny bit. of course i freaked. before the spotting i was taking a nice, innocent, peaceful nap. and um......out of NOWHERE had a CRAZY SEX DREAM!!! so, i guess this is common in pregnancy for some women......and before i would have said "sign me up for that symptom!" but after dream..... i had spotting which freaked me the fuck out. so i will never orgasm again. NEVER! and the worst part of this is how i had to explain all this to my very sweet, very handsome DOCTOR. i should have thought this having a male doc thing through......he used the word "climax" and i almost died from embarrassment and changed the subject as fast as i could to prenatal vitamins. (he said the spotting was nothing to worry about, btw)

anyway.....found this fun online hcg calculator deal and it gave me some interesting info. observe:

click on to enlarge

and here are my results:

second number


Tuesday, September 15, 2009

first number


now we wait until Thursday where it will be double that.

Monday, September 14, 2009


had a blood draw today and will have another on Wednesday. what we want are numbers that are nice and high and that double. so if on 14 dpo you have around 16 dpo you should have around 200. i know....complicated. i needed to explain it further. p.s most early pregnancy tests pick up levels around 25.

here is a chart:

on a rollercoaster

after i had a total and complete emotional breakdown yesterday...sobbed and snotted all over my husband...stared out windows...moped around...wrote angry blogs...ruined my contacts with tears...i did some google 'research' and found that sometimes....for a variety of reasons including: different batches of tests and different amounts of pink dye, different times of the day and different levels in urine, ect ect.....that some women have had the fainter line scenario....and gone one to have great levels and have babies.

of course, you can find anything on the internet and for every link that makes you go "oh thank god" you have one that makes you want to shield your eyes and say "oh NO oh no!"

so after my fit of sadness and rage, and then google research enlightenment, i came to terms that it is out of my control and i just should try to focus on being calm. this was difficult because all the cramping was distracting me from my zen state. so finally i started to think of the cramping as a good sign.....because i had no bleeding (more google research) and stayed on the couch and watched x-files and ate pizza.

so i took the last FRER test this morning. while waiting for the results i was saying "it was just a fluke, that test was wrong, it was just a fluke, i am totally pregnant, it was just a fluke, it will be darker today"

and this showed up:

if that does not look like much....let's compare. top is from friday (11 dpo). middle is from yesterday (13 dpo). and the bottom is from today (14 dpo). doesn't the middle one look like an asshole?

let's just pretend i only took this one:

so now i have called the doctor. i am waiting for a call back. not sure if he will actually do a blood test today or not.....he likes to wait until week 5 to start blood tests.

and the dramatic saga of my life continues. next hurdle: blood levels doubling

Sunday, September 13, 2009

i hate everything

so the line was much fainter today.

which is bad.

and...with that,
i give up.

i have no answers. nothing to say. no hope. i am just angry and tired of the way my life is. i am done with this dream. all it has done is crush me into billions of pieces.....and it gets harder and harder to put myself back together.

fuck this shit.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

more more more!!

because i can't control myself, i bought more tests today.

a 2 pack of clearblue digital tests (because i love to see the word) AND a 2 pack of FRER because i want to see the LINE GET DARKER.

however.....i have been drinking so much water....because being hydrated is very important......that i am sure my pee is super diluted because i have been peeing every 10 mins.

so now i am waiting.

to test again. and then again.

other than this....i swear i am not obsessing. i am just chillin out....reading books....thinking happy positive thoughts totally unrelated to babies.....just happy and loving life.

Friday, September 11, 2009

third times a charm

i was going to wait until tomorrow morning. it is best to test with first morning urine. it is also better to wait and test closer to when you expect your period. i got bored and thought it peculiar that i wanted a savory spinach and cheese dumpling this morning with my decaf latte instead of my normal fruit muffin. i never want savory. ever. savory is gross with coffee.

so i was bored. so i tested. so it was positive. so then i tested again with a different brand of test. i didn't trust the first one because it was a blue dye test that came free with my ovulation prediction kit. why would i trust it? i is blue!! so then the trusty FRER (first response early result) was also positive. so then i paced around and tried not to vomit from overload of nerves.

then i chatted dan. yes. chatted. with the first one i tested while he was home...the second one i called him to tell him...and the third.....chatted. i will text him the next one. or maybe facebook message him.

so now.....i am not going to get excited. i am not going to use assume this means anything. i am going to take it one day at a time. i am not going to stress. i am not going to even think about it! i am.....not thinking about it. do-ta-do....

here is the chat.....and a pic of my pee tests. enjoy.

(click on to enlarge)

Thursday, September 10, 2009

progesterone is fun!!


Side effects may include:
Abdominal cramping, back pain, bloating, breast tenderness or pain, chest pain, constipation, coughing, depression, diarrhea, dizziness, emotional instability, fatigue, headache, hot flashes, irritability, joint pain, muscle pain, nausea, night sweats, swelling of hands and feet, upper respiratory infection, urinary problems, vaginal discharge, vaginal dryness, viral infection, vomiting, worry

i looked this up last night for a very important reason:

i had a bloody booger.

i know.

so after i googled "early pregnancy symptoms bloody booger" and found some inconclusive information that said it may be an early symptom.....i thought i should make sure it wasn't from the progesterone i am taking. you know, cross reference.

look at this gem:

ah-HA!! SEE!!! AND....and......i had some gas earlier this week!! look what two symptoms are NOT on the side effects!

so i had a moment of pure excitement before i realized that there are other explanations. like maybe i was picking my nose too much. and i made chili this week.

now i am feeling depressed. and i have emotional instability. and i definitely have the irritability thing going on. do my feet look fat?

Monday, September 7, 2009

the difference

the difference between "Trying to Conceive" (TTC) and "Getting Pregnant"

(this is just off the top of my head....i could go on and on and on....)

"Getting Pregnant"

-you didn't even notice you were late!!! by the time you finally tested you were 8 weeks already! crazy!

-you say things like "i guess i am just SUPER fertile"!

-you don't have any idea when you ovulate and you sorta remember your last period. maybe.

-you say "it happened the first month after i stopped taking the pill!"

-you think having a double tall latte each morning and a glass of wine each night is "totally fine!"

-everyone knows already because why keep it a secret? you want to share the good news!

-you don't remember having any symptoms.

-you can say something like "it was a pleasant surprise!"

-you don't know where your cervix is, what it feels like, or WHY on earth you would touch it.

-you have never google searched anything about pregnancy

"Trying to Conceive"

-you know how many pregnant women are in the room at any given time. there were 3 at breakfast this morning. 2 at the grocery store. 4 at Costco.

-you can not crack an egg without thinking about your cervical mucus.

-you know the date today because you have been counting days for months and months. i can tell you the day i ovulated 3 months ago. it is scorched into my mind. i can tell you today's date, my cycle day, how many days past ovulation i am and when i am going to test. it is all on the calendar i stare at ALL DAY LONG.

-you order decaf. you take all sorts of pills, vitamins, hormones, tonics, elixirs. you stand on your head. you drink extra water and say "no thanks" to a glass of wine.

-every time your tummy rumbles, your head hurts, you burp, fart, stand up too fast, feel hungry or think "IS THIS A SYMPTOM?!!!"

-you and your cervix communicate about 20 times a day.

-you have google searched every possible thing about pregnancy

Sunday, September 6, 2009

i will take whatever i can get

don't you hate it when your only symptom in the two week wait....the only thing you have to clutch onto....the one thing that brings you a teensy tiny bit of the fact that you have gas? the kind of gas that makes your husband gasp and shoot you a look of terror before running from the room. i hate it when that is the only 'symptom'.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

bad day

something is up.

i don't know what happened....but i am in a bad mood. could be the progesterone i started taking last night. but i don't think so.

i keep having this thought...over and over....

"i don't want to do this anymore, i don't want to do this anymore"

i am just tired of it. tired of not succeeding at this fucking thing so many people succeed at. i hate this. i don't want to play anymore. i don't like the person i have become. i don't want to endlessly want something. i don't like feeling so sad all the time....even when i am feeling good through this process, i am still sad....i am either preparing for disappointment, managing my expectations, focusing on the positive things....i am just FUCKING OVER IT. i want to just live. i feel trapped in this fucking maze of pee tests and hormones and hopes and expectations and loss and blood and sperm and i fucking HATE ALL OF IT.

i know i am supposed to be positive. i am just over it.

i just feel like it is time to give it up.

i want to run away.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

thanks, Today Show

Today Show: Moving on after a Miscarriage

i think it is really important to talk about miscarriage and i have also experienced this feeling that i shouldn't talk about it. i have a couple great friends....but not one that has actually gone through miscarriage. they were supportive but i felt a distance from them. so i looked for support online. luckily, i found other bloggers, i found amazing friends on babycenter. if you have never gone through a miscarriage, you are very lucky....and please remember to be thoughtful to any women who have. it will not go away immediately. you will hear about it for a very long time. please do not make this a forbidden not tell me to focus on other things. do not tell me to find a new hobby. do not tell me that it happens to everyone and it is so common. this does not make me feel better. thanks and i love you.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009


last night....while watching Mad Men and eating a slice of cake....i had the worst cramps. every so often i get mittelschmerz (love that word!) but they are normally on one side or the other....last night it was in the middle....just like really bad AF cramps. so i bitched and moaned and complained....and then realized i should be having sex, not complaining. so we did. i sorta wonder it this means i have a cyst or something.....hmmm...another thing to worry about. wonderful. i am on to the next wait.....2 weeks....should go pretty fast, with labor day weekend, the kid starting school, tons of house guests during the entire month of September....i think we have someone here every weekend. so i will have lots of laundry to do and bed's to make.

i am keeping my expectations low, of course. it is only the second cycle of "really" trying....after a surprise pregnancy turned miscarriage.....after 7 months of "sorta" trying but not really giving it a real effort, after a pregnancy and miscarriage 9 months ago, which was after "really" trying for 3 cycles.


yay for "high" even though it means close to nothing!!

Monday, August 31, 2009

opk's- cycle number: lucky 13

so i think last night was positive. remember when i said this month i was going to be laid back and NOT use ovulation prediction tests? whoopsie!!

Monday, August 24, 2009


when time does not fly
but rests like mud

like august heat
sits on steps
in a sticky dress,
a fertility mess

i wait, i wait.
to ovulate.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

i don't like you anymore, sushi.

so i am about a week away from ovulation. this is my favorite time of the stress....nothing going on.....nothing to obsess about.....i can have a glass of wine or some sushi without worrying.

except.....i just had sushi.....and almost didn't make it home alive. i almost lost control of all my bodily functions at the same the a pretty white sundress.....

almost. luckily i used labor breathing techniques to get through the intestinal cramping.

so that is enough of that for awhile.

i feel really good about the next couple months.....i am feeling pretty relaxed and hopeful. if nothing happens by October i am going to go to an reproductive endocrinologist.

this month we are going to take the laid back approach.....last month was the eff like bunnies approach....the month before was the go out of town and come home right before ovulation approach.

i am also not going to take prenatal vitamins this month....i am just going to take folic acid. i think the prenatals mess with my CM. so i guess i am doing an experiment this month.....don't worry, i will post results of this high tech study.

i will still do the low dose aspirin and progesterone.....but i may not take them next cycle. we'll see.

for now.....this week.....i am going to relax. i am not going to worry about any of it. i will start wearing the fertility necklace on friday :)

on the plus side, once i do get pregnant, i won't have any problem giving up sushi for 9 months.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

month after month after month

if we are successful this month we would be due in May. my favorite month. I was born May 9th. my Husband was born May 8th. Mother's day is in May. My bff's birthday is May 27th.
Spring in Seattle starts in May. this is the month we all come out of hiding after months and months of gloom. the pacific northwest is a depressing, soggy place from October to April. Everyone is happier in May. The birds start singing again. We open all the windows for fresh air.

With that said.....i would love a May baby. but i am not expecting it. expectations are a tricky mine field to navigate through.

i really want to get to a place where i don't live 9 months in the future. i know this is not possible. but it would be so nice. i would love to not know how old my dream baby will be at his first Christmas as each month comes and goes. 7 months old if it happens this month. 6 months old if next month works. i do this every month. picture the seasons of next year. picture them all with a baby in different appropriate outfits. bundled in winter. naked in summer. newborn in spring.

if only i could give my self a frontal lobe lobotomy. i wonder if shock therapy would work.

i have been going back and forth about calling Seattle Reproductive Medicine.

on one hand i feel like i should be doing everything i can with doctors who specialize in this sort of thing. but on the other, i am already seeing a doc who i trust and has tested me for basic stuff and seems to be proactive and confident that all i need is some progesterone and i will get pregnant again and it will stick.

i know my husband would prefer i did nothing. he is confident it will happen. not at all worried or stressed.

i just keep reminding myself.....when we started trying last took us 4 cycles.....4. of really trying. so i should give myself at least 3 more months before i get worried. but i just hate this feeling.....this race against time anxiety i get.

so i guess if nothing happens by......november......i will go to the fertility clinic and have more tests done.

for now i just twiddle my thumbs.

Monday, August 17, 2009

her last visit

she has many names
and is the punch line to a few jokes.
always here, even when she is not.
like the moon.
like the tides.

i never thought of her
until i did

girl, you come without asking
like a vagabond with a cardboard sign
asking for snacks or money or more.
i would drive past you and not make eye contact
if i had a choice

but you hop on in
sit down
smile and wink like you own the place

in a way you do

this is the last time we do this
your last visit to my bed
my indifference has turned

like a simple table wine to sour vinegar

i don't want you anymore
(well, not for months and months)

so pack your shit and leave.


Sunday, August 16, 2009

next cycle

i have the worst cramps.

i am SO not pregnant this month. doh!

i could of sworn i was having symptoms.....up until Friday....i took a was negative....and from then on all i have felt is PMS. cruel, mean, bitchy, painful PMS. now i am just waiting for it to start.

i was bummed about this for a i just want to get on with it.

so weird.....we had SO much sex! all around the right time! what the hell? why is this process such a tease? there is no...i repeat NO....rhyme or reason to this! NONE. last month we had sex ONCE and we got pregnant. now i am on the progesterone to tackle the implantation issue....and what? i don't get pregnant? with all that awesomely timed effing? not sure what we will do different next cycle....i guess i need a new plan of attack.


1. wear fertility necklace every day.
2. wait until positive (or close) opk to start humping like rabbits. consider every other day approach.
3. i read something about grapefruit juice....or was it pineapple up on juice and how it will help me get a baby.
4. for the love of god, start running again!
5. eff this no coffee bullshit
6. try.....try very very make love. have fun. feel spontaneous even if i know i am about to ovulate. make husband feel loved and desired for more than his seed.
7. ask doc about progesterone and if i need more or less
8. take baby aspirin all month
9. get x-rays, dental cleanings, ect before 2 week wait.
10. think fertile, positive thoughts.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

best necklace EVER!

i just got the most wonderful gift in the mail! my mom sent me a fertility necklace she got in Africa. it has lil penises!!!! lots of lil penises!!!! i am going to wear it every day. i will never take it off.
questions i am asking myself: are you going to wear it to bed? YES (um? of course!!!). are you going to wear it in the shower? YES. out in public? YES. will you feel weird about wearing a penis necklace all the time? NO.



i ate six cupcakes yesterday.


and they weren't just any cupcakes....they were chocolate with salted caramel frosting.

num num num

i bought some tests....trying to ignore them until Saturday.

i had a baby dream last night. i was breastfeeding a baby girl. that is the second baby girl dream this month (the first one was before i ovulated). hmmmmm.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

thanks info tidbit!!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

for fun- OPK's from this month

just for are my ovulation prediction tests from this month....yes i did save them. and yes i did take a photo of them. and yes, i know this is weird. i mean....take photos of a positive pregnancy test, of course! but a positive opk? just slightly weird.

the top is from Saturday, Aug 1. the middle from Sunday, Aug 2....i thought this was the positive until.....the bottom one is from Monday, Aug 3. to throw myself a curve ball....i read later that i was supposed to hold my pee for 4 hours before testing. i did not do that with the first 2. the last one i held if for about 2 hours and 42 mins. the good news is we certainly had enough sex around all of these who knows.

note: these particular opks say that a positive is as dark as, or darker than the control line. in my experience, i have never had a line darker than the control line.....

sweet progesterone

i didn't go postal on the insurance lady...i did hang up on her and then cry....but i was otherwise nice. i won't bore anyone with the details....but i do feel totally effed. my doc is in my network. the lab they use is also in my network. the lab sent my blood work to an out of network testing place. was totally out of my control and i feel royally fucked by the lab.

so i owe 755 dollars. for some blood work.....after a miscarriage....that showed nothing is wrong with me.

in other progesterone related news, i cried all the way to old navy today. no good reason. i was thinking about this journey. the last year of my life. all the heartache and loss. all the hoping and wondering. all the obsessing. thinking about how it will all be worth it when i can finally hold our baby.

i am 8 days past ovulation. again. another day of another cycle in another year.
i feel.....emotional. i feel pretty symptomless....and i guess this makes me happy because i felt the same way with the last 2 pregnancies. i had a little, tiny bit of cramping today but it could be anything. could be that i had to poop. could be my period. could be the progesterone. could be made up in my head.

i guess i only have a few more days of not knowing. thank goodness! as much as i hope i am pregnant again RIGHT THIS SECOND....i will feel relieved to just know one way or another.

i feel bad for my poor husband....i keep saying "be nice to me" and he is like "i am being nice to you!" and i feel so needy and sensitive. ah.....progesterone.....turns me back into a high school girlfriend.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

i may go postal next week

oh hi.

nothing to report. like really....nothing. i feel normal. totally normal and boring. 5 days past ovulation. i have felt a little tired lately....but i refuse to call this a symptom at this point.

we did a lot of yard work was sort of fun. kind of bonding for the husband and i. we never do stuff like chores. we are both and we like to do other things on the weekends (hence the mass amount of weeds we needed a saw to cut down today). we are one of those couple with different priorities than our parents. we let dishes sit in the sink overnight. we keep our dirty clothes in a pile on our floor.

i know, i know. gross. disgusting. embarrassing. we should be ashamed! but we aren't. we do, however, have A LOT of fun together in our filth. i promised him i would never give him a "honey-do" list....and we have probably worked on the yard twice in 3 years.

in other news.....i got a bill today from my lab work.....for $755.


blink blink


this is after insurance. my "awesome" insurance that we pay an ARM and freaking LEG for each month only covered $177! how is my bill this high? for blood work? WHAT?!

i almost vomited all over the mail box. and not in that cool "oh, is this a symptom?" way. in the i want to break into the insurance office with a machete way.

and just think....i haven't even started my progesterone yet!!!! i start on monday....the day i will call and GO CRAZY on the phone. i am going to use this progesterone induced hormonal rage to a good use.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

3 dpo

today i am 3 days past ovulation and feeling good. of course if i feel something... i pause....think "could this be a symptom?" ponder. then shake my head and laugh at myself because it is WAY to early to have symptoms. i did have the same lil bubbly spasms last night like i had last month around 1-2 dpo and then again around 6-7 dpo. i guess this could just be a common post O feeling....i know i have had it on non pregnant cycles. i felt queezy yesterday....but CMON....i was 2 dpo! so NOT a symptom at this point.

i have a lot of friends with babies. most of them i like enough....but don't really want to touch them. does that sound bad? i guess i generally am picky about other's people's babies. i love babies and love to stare and smile at them.....but i find it hard to connect with babies that are not my own. i also have found it difficult to even want to be around babies since i had the miscarriages. i know this is silly and selfish. but....most of the time it hurts too much.

however, my friend Sarah had a baby last August 4th and i loved her from the moment i saw her (i was at the hospital when she was born). She is such a magical baby with the sweetest soul. I feel connected to her in a way that i rarely do with babies. anyway.....i got to take some portraits of her yesterday for her first birthday and i had so much fun. i want to eat her up!

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

the day

my original due date was tomorrow. i have been waiting for this day to pass for 9 months. it has been a mark in the back of my mind.....originally i wanted to be pregnant by now....and i was, but that didn't work out either. i feel better than i thought i would. it is still hard and i still have a lot of emotions about it....but at least i have hope that it will happen again soon. i am just trying to take this one hurdle at a time....worry about having sex on the right days. then worry about getting a positive test. then worry about whether or not it will implant correctly and stay. then worry about if there is a heartbeat. and if all those actually happen.....then what? i have not let my mind go to that place. that was the place i went to immediately in November. that was the place it took me months to recover from leaving.

i wrote this in May....thought i would share it here...

sacks of stones
collection of feathers
how he used to trace each line
remembering a time
when skin tickled to touch

we think in seasons and
speak in storms.
there is a day in august
i can't wait to pass.
just a number. a square. a box on a grid.
a date someone selected and took away
retracted. nevermind.
i give it too much meaning
i do that a lot

stacks of stacks of paper
quiet words once.
scratched to scribbles
erase and replace.
shoved further and further beneath the bed.
where all things go forgotten.

i wrote this in February in one of my darkest moments:

there is a place for you here
little one
if i knew who to beg to, i would.
i would beg
with open arms and muddy knees
under the fullest moon
for you
to come back.

and now here we are. months have passed. mother's have given birth to babies. i am a year older and my statistics changed with this new age. life has gone on. even i have moved on. i have felt extreme anger and despair. i have struggled to put myself back together. and when i did finally feel better, life gave me another blow. another one taken away. i went from being a spiritual agnostic who believed in all sorts of magic and miracles to an atheist who believes in little. i feel more sceptical of everything. i have to be to protect myself. i can't be let down again. so...i am now an extremely cautious optimist. i feel good. i feel healthy. i feel like i have healed in many ways. i feel lucky to have my husband and daughter. i feel excited for the future and the potential of our family growing. i still daydream constantly about the baby that will be in my arms one day.


"High"? that is it? high? it was "high" last month* with one measly dot! this month should say "EXTREMELY HIGH" or "winner!" or "good god, you must be sore" or at least "highest".

(*update: i just went back and checked....last month's score was not "high" it was "good". i still think this month it should say "oh hell yes")

i guess it doesn't really matter how much you do only matters if one lil guy makes it to the prize.

i got a positive ovulation test yesterday, and i am pretty sure i ovulated yesterday (the tests say you ovulate within 12-48 hours after a positive....i am going with the 12 because of my other fertile signs....and i felt some ovulation pains yesterday)

i will probably test Aug that would be 12 dpo. i know i said i was not going to do that.
we will see how i feel.....maybe i will want to wait by then....i guess it depends on if i am feeling symptoms or not.

and if it doesn't happen this month.....we will move on to the next. i am setting my hopes low and told my husband as long as i am pregnant by Christmas. that gives us 4-5 months to make it happen.

Sunday, August 2, 2009


i had this wonderful dream last night.....that i took a pregnancy test and it was positive. i was so happy and excited and confident. and then i woke up. i sleepily mumbled to my husband "i just had the best dream....that i got a positive pregnancy test" and he laughed and kissed me. i wanted to go back to that feeling so bad. that dreamy place of joy and warmth and hope. i wanted to feel that confidence that everything will be ok.....

last month i had a dream that i woke up and was bleeding. i was pissed that my period had come. when i woke up i was relieved that it had not happened. i have thought a lot about this dream. because it was exactly what happened the morning of this last miscarriage. was my dream a warning? was this dream trying to prepare me? was this intuition? was this a prediction? was this just my subconscious fear manifesting itself in a dream? was this just coincidence?

i don't know. i am sure it was just random.....i was worried about getting my period.....i had a dream....and i happened to miscarry a week or so later.....

nothing weird about that.

except i have dreams like this all the time. dreams of things that end up happening.

but i also have dreams of giving birth. getting a positive pregnancy test and feeling calm and hopeful. holding a chubby brown haired baby boy with the longest lashes and perfect dimpled hands. these have not happened. not yet.

i think i had a positive opk today. i am not 100% sure. it was darker than they have been....but i had been taking them wrong. oh well. all we can do is hope. and dream. and fuck like crazy.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

what a waste of $18.99

ovulation prediction tests make me want to scream and rip my hair out. they are not even worth the urine i soak them with.

i have had 3 days of negative tests. this would not be a big deal if this didn't contradict everything fertile my body is telling me. do i listen to the tests or my body?

i am going to continue to test until i either A) get a positive test or B) my body stops acting fertile.

i will also continue to wear sexy dresses and go "commando".

Friday, July 31, 2009

all the questions in my head is after midnight.....between CD 12 and 13 (this always confuses me when i mark it for today because i am still awake....or tomorrow because it is after midnight?) and i just noticed EWCM. i had a negative ovulation prediction test today. i am cramping and have a backache (this could also be from a boating accident). so.......i guess we should wait for a positive test before getting to it.....but i feel like timing this boy stuff is such a gamble. i is such a crap shoot anyway. i think i will wait and see what the test looks like tomorrow.....and prob end up doing the deed tomorrow night.....but not tonight.....hmmmm.......or start tomorrow am.........


it is now tomorrow. cycle day 13. tomorrow is today. am i blowing your mind? we decided to try the twice a day until the day after ovulation approach.....starting this AM. (side note: last month we only had sex in the evening of cycle day 13 and i ovulated on cd 15). hopefully this approach will work.....and hopefully ovulation actually happens on Sunday, cycle day 15, or is going to be a long week....and i am already sore from wakeboarding....i guess some other areas might be getting a workout this week.

weeeeeee! this is the fun part!

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

i blame the heat for this meltdown

i am bored. BORED BORED BORED.

this cycle is DRAGGING.

is it really only cycle day 10? 10!!

i am going out of my mind.

i am not expecting much for this cycle....i have no idea if i will even ovulate or when. i just feel like my body could be out of whack from the miscarriage.....and the progesterone i was on. i should have asked the doc if the progesterone would affect my cycle. i just feel off. and impatient.

weird....doc called as i was typing that..... regarding all my blood work....and everything is normal. i have no issues. my thyroid is good....i have no clotting problems.....i am as healthy as a horse. a horse that has had 2 miscarriages for no reason other than bad luck. so.....whoohoo? i mean....whoohooo!! he does want me to take progesterone starting a week after i ovulate. and he did say this can lengthen my if i don't get pregnant i should expect longer cycles. ARG! perfect. more time to work on my patience.

this weekend will be fun....if it ever gets here. am i in a time warp? have i fallen into a black hole?

so last night.....we were doing it on the kitchen floor.....what? it was nice and cold on the tile! anyway.....was that an over-share? my husband was like "is it that time yet".... which i thought was SO CUTE because he never has been remotely interested in timing all this stuff and i am so happy he is now. i said this week.....and not until then.....
(you know, for the boy stuff).....which has me a little freaked out....timing wise.....i mean the window is so small anyway!!! and now, with the boy stuff, i feel like it is even smaller!! plus the progesterone stuff from last cycle and now i don't even know it i will ovulate when i normally do!

i need a chill pill. not drinking during this part SUCKS. how does anyone deal with this type of stress soberly?

i might buy some ovulation prediction tests tomorrow. might help me feel better about this month and help pinpoint timing if my ovulation is off.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

some things.

big things:
  • we might buy a new house. this would require selling the one we have. this means i need to do some serious work involving a chainsaw and a dump truck to remove the extreme amount of devil weeds in the yard to aid in "curb appeal". i should also mention that our house is 70's mustard yellow with brown, yes BROWN, shutters and a metal awning over the front door. so it needs paint. um... metal awning. 70's. yellow. brown. weeds. i am going to try to not have a panic attack. but, oh! looking at real estate.......brings me so much joy!!! so exciting! i mean, it will also be so much work. but a new house! with more than ONE bathroom! i would feel like a queen!
  • i think i decided today that i am not going to take a pregnancy test ever again unless i am at least one week late for my period. i know this sounds crazy. and i know you are doubting me....because you should....i am doubting me as i write this. but....nonetheless.....that is my goal. one. week. late. my reason for this is i actually want to protect myself from...myself. if i don't know....i won't worry. i won't stress. i will be oblivious. i will be safe. and ignorance is bliss, my friends. i am really going to fail at this plan. but it is a fun goal, right?
  • my husband was frustrated with me yesterday. he said i was being "mopey". this made me want to kick his teeth in. i told him that he was being insensitive and that it was going to take me more than 3 days to be back to my normal self. he told me he wanted me to "handle my depression in a more productive way" not showering or brushing my teeth and wearing pj's all day is unproductive? bah! men. after i explained to him that he was, at that moment, failing at being a supportive husband and that what i needed from him was comfort and affection and not him being critical or acting frustrated......he understood. he apologized. we snuggled. and i took a much needed bath. we both feel better today.

small things:
  • i accidentally took my prenatal vitamin on an empty stomach. blaaaaarg.
  • i was aggressively making the bed and flipped the comforter up with such haste that it hit the light fixture above the bed and it came crashing down. now we have a scary hole with exposed wires, spiders, monsters, squirrel nests, etc above the bed.
  • don't you love it when you buy a new candle and then forget all about it until you are cleaning up before the in-laws show up and then you find it at the perfect moment because you can light it in the guest room and make it smell fresh? i love it when that happens.
  • i had a pile of papers from a midwife under my bed.....from december....from before the miscarriage. it was all sorts of pregnancy information...nutrition stuff...and i pulled it out last week for the due date little wheel thing.....and left the pile on the floor. today i went to shove it all back under the bed and the dog had peed on it. all of it. i didn't scold her.... because i kind of wanted to pee on it too. she beat me to it.
  • remember when i said i was going to be healthy? i haven't started yet. i am living off of cookies and iced lattes. i will start tomorrow. at least i am taking my vitamins.


thanks, fertility friend. in other words, fuck like rabbits.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009


i just posted this on my other blog.....but thought i would include it here as well. i try to not talk about baby stuff on my other one.....because that is what this one is for...and i don't really want any readers from my other blog knowing all the details of this process (that is why this blog is not listed on my blogger profile).....but...sometimes i cross over.....

I had some blood taken today for some tests. this is the second time this week i have driven to the lab to get poked and drained. i sat in the chair and it felt familiar. i am indifferent to the process of getting blood taken, like most adults. but, i remember so vividly what it felt like the first time i had to give blood. i remember the long hallway at the pediatrician. the posters of kittens and ponies on the wall. the pain. oh the pain. it was awful and terrifying. i felt sick and like i might die. today i barely noticed and chatted about coffee as each vile filled up.

pain is so relative. when i was pregnant with Riley i remember reading about getting an epidural and being freaked out. a needle in your spine? are you kidding? it sounded awful and terrifying. until i was in labor and the pain of contractions made the thought of needle in my spine sound like being tickled with a feather. suddenly, i didn't care AT ALL about the potential wussy pain of getting an epidural.

and emotional pain.....funny how my many "heartbreaks" over the years feel like nothing now that i know the heartbreak of losing a baby. not that i should compare the feeling of being cheated on or dumped to the loss of life. but i feel like my heart is a numb lump these days.

I have always been against this....the idea of becoming numb after something painful. i was conscious to not put walls up around myself after bad relationships or shy away from potential love for fear of being hurt again....i knew to feel was powerful and to hide would only leave me alone and miserable. and it worked. i was open to love and fell for Dan quickly. it was irrational. i was vulnerable. but it was the only way i could be. and it worked. I love him more truly and deeply than i ever imagined possible....and it happened instantly.

and a different area of my heart.....i feel closed and numb. i feel scared and brick by brick i am building walls. what if i can't get pregnant again? what if i have miscarriage after miscarriage? how many times can i go through it? the first time destroyed me. it broke me into so many pieces. it took months and months before i felt ok. and the second one?

well, pain is relative. it hurts less because i have felt it before. because i have to wall off that area or i would crumble. so i was numb. my expectations were low this time. because now i am overwhelmingly aware that a positive pregnancy test does not mean you will have a baby.

but it still hurts. it hurts in a way that is tangible. that i will feel forever. i feel it every time a hear another woman tell me she also had one. it used to mean nothing to me. had a miscarriage.....that must have been hard.....but i feel it like i would if i was stabbed. and i want to hug them and cry for their pain. the disappointment and total extreme from joy and hope to loss and despair is completely crushing and disorienting.

but we survive. and hopefully try, try again. next time i am going to wrap myself in bubble wrap and sleep in an oxygen chamber for the first 12 weeks.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Cycle day 3

Thank you for all the kind words. Love you guys! May you never go through anything remotely similar and may you all get BFP's very soon!

I am still bleeding. Was pretty heavy the first day and now it seems like a normal period. Got my blood work back from yesterday and my hcg level is ZERO. good. because it means i had a complete miscarriage and can move on.

I am going back in this week to have more blood work done. He is going to test my thyroid and make sure it is normal. He is also going to make sure i don't have any auto-immune or blood clotting disorders. woohoo! see! this doc is getting SHIT DONE.

my last doc sucked big time. she kinda just shrugged and said better luck next time. i hold a major grudge and will never go back to her. (also...i was left high and dry before christmas and had to find a new doc, on DEC 23rd, to preform a D and C...because my doc was "snowed in" and couldn't come to work.....EFF YOU, doctor dumbo! you lose!)

whoa......progesterone much? i may have some residual hormone issues this week.

Emotionally i i need vanilla vodka soda with a squeeze of lemon. or 3.

And after that.....after i am done with this "period".....i am going to be the healthiest version of myself. i am going to cut back on all my loves, er, vices...... sugar, coffee, alcohol.

I will swim and run. i will eat veggies and drink tea. i will make my uterus a happy healthy place. why wouldn't you want to implant here? it is SO nice. man....this uterus is top should stick around for awhile. i am going to have so many zygotes wanting my uterus....thinking twins or triplets, people. bah! i wish.

I feel sad but eager to move on. eager to try for the boy (remember my plan? that was only a week ago! crazy). slightly scared for the future and what it will mean, but excited and hopeful at the same time. new, revised time line: