Wednesday, November 18, 2009

happy yet?

i don't know if i have mentioned this or not.....but i am still pretty numb in terms of my baby excitement. i guess we might call my behavior "reserved" or "disconnected".

the only baby item that has excited me so far would be the cloth diapers i have mentioned....and i think that is more because it can be categorized as research into something i am passionate about....and i somehow disconnect this with the actual baby and pregnancy.

of course i have explanations for this and they are all obvious. i have had 3 pregnancies in less than one year and two of them ended with no baby. no baby. no baby. this "no baby" outcome has a funny way of damaging the part of the brain that connects pregnancy with baby excitement.

i recently got in a huge fight with my mom because she had been asking me " happy yet?" almost every time i saw her. this hit a nerve, oh, about the fifth time she asked and i sort of snapped like a hormonal hyena beast monster. my mom did not mean anything hurtful by this question. she was not implying that i am not happy. she was not expecting me to fake happiness...she was not being passive aggressive and trying to tell me that i should be acting different......all of this i learned after accusing her of all these things. she meant no harm. i have a habit of accusing her for everything under the sun...a eternal victim....a heartless meanie....when really she is just a mother that is trying to make conversation with her damaged mess of a daughter.

but it hit a nerve. i wish i could feel the excitement people expect of me. but it is still slightly buried under a few layers of fear. i brush things off as nothing....i react socially retarded.....when someone in real life* says "oh!! you had an ultrasound!!! how exciting!!!" i just sort of shrug and look away and shuffle in my boots. kick pebbles. whistle. change the subject. i try to muster out an "yeah" and it always sounds distant and like the voice of someone else. the fake me with the same voice as the one that once told a dentist my life story while on nitrice.....the whole time lying. making up a fake life story. i could hear myself saying these weird things based in no fact but i couldn't control it. that voice. the one capable of faking.

*my internet and blog friends seem to get a less retarded version of me because i don't have to act in a social setting. obvs.

anyway....all of this is slowly starting to change i think. each day i feel more secure in allowing myself to feel a little twinge of excitement.

today....while internet browsing my fave sites....two things made me almost squeal with baby joy. i felt that melty warm gooey feeling of baby delight.

the first was featured on where baby Marlo was wearing some snuggly feetie pajamas that can be purchased here and i am seriously contemplating buying them in blue. ( on that....i dare you to not feel the strong snuggly pull)

and then.....on cute overload......omg......a chubalub (that is chub-a-lub...yes say it with me) babe with the most edible arm rolls imaginable is pictured with my most fave pet ever...the french bulldog. <--- click NOW. oh gawd. i melt. i melt. i melt. m......e.........l........t

so...i am getting there.

Monday, November 16, 2009

13 weeks

i am always dreaming of food when i wake up. today it was apple butter. yesterday it was shrimp. the day before it was tomato soup with grilled cheese.

i am still feeling sick here and there. i still vomit about once a day and it is not fun at all. you would think i would be used to it by now....i have been vomiting daily for 7 weeks.

my next appointment isn't until Dec 1st. about 2 weeks. at that visit i am going to ask for another ultrasound order to find out gender....i am hoping to go in around 18 weeks to find out....which will be right before Christmas.

in other news i have had multiple dreams with a baby girl making an appearance. hmpf. it seems my subconscious and i disagree.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

another pic

this one is also from last week's this one the baby is face down just chillin.....on the placenta. must be comfy. or the baby is like....i see you.....placenta! i will not lose this staring contest. no way. ah hah! you blinked! i win!

so she only gave is these two...this one and then one i posted a couple days ago. even though there were so many better pics! pics of hands and legs! ug. what a snatch, that tech. seriously. i was not a fan of her. at the end of the ultrasound all she said was that we could go. i was like " everything measuring ok?" and she said everything looked "fine". FINE? fine. what a bizzo.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009



oh god i think i have a problem.

i am 12 weeks pregnant and already have purchased 4 AIO (that's "all in one" cloth diapers)
so.....that means i have roughly $50-60.....on FOUR diapers.


i know there will be savings here....i mean.....that is the point. well, that and i HATE the idea of filling landfills with dirty diapers just because of convenience. hate it. and i know i will get a good stash of cloth and after a few months the savings will make me feel all high and mighty again.....but for now.....i just feel like a crazy person spending money on something completely unnecessary....when there are plenty of other things i should be spending money on.....and don't even get me started on Christmas and how the last thing i need to be doing is buying crap for a baby who will not even be here until Spring and i should be spending money on the child who has a Christmas list 3 pages long.....and the husband who deserves new underwear and socks.

ok. so here is what i have so far (and yes you can click on them to see a link of what i am talking about)

1 extra small Bumgenius AIO 3.0 in "clementine"
1 small Bumgenius AIO 3.0 in "moonbeam"
1 Blueberry mini delux in "mint blue"
1 extra small Thirsties pocket AIO in "ocean"

notice my color selections.....all in the blue variety except for the one clementine's to hoping it is a boy!

i think that is all i am going to do for the AIO's for the newborn stage for now.....maybe.....

next up? a stash of fitteds like these and a couple covers like these! weeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

Monday, November 9, 2009

a pic

there is a baby in my belly!!! wtf!?

Thursday, November 5, 2009

NT scan

tomorrow. if all things go according to plan, i will see an actual image of what looks like a baby.....tomorrow. the last time we had an ultrasound (at 7 weeks) it looked like a tiny ball with a flickering center. this time it should have arms. legs. fingers. a face. a spine.

i am trying not to panic. and i am trying to not think of the worst case scenario every single time we have any appointment.

it is still very hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that there is a baby growing inside of my body. i don't feel this. i don't see it. sure i am sick. sure i have what we would call pretty severe "symptoms"....and sure i heard the heartbeat a week or so ago. but still.....there is this doubt.

so i think this ultrasound will do a lot for will prove that there is actually what looks like a baby somewhere deep in my abdomen. under layers and layers of chub and self doubt....there is a life. a life that is growing and will one day be born. right?
and don't even get me started on if it is actually there what that means for the test part...i mean....the whole point of this is to test that everything looks normal and there are no obvious chromosomal abnormalities. do i even think about that part? no. that part does not seem to even register because i have yet to be convinced there is something there in the first place!


this is what we will 3. hopefully. a healthy, wiggling, growing, baby.

and if it is true.....i promise to believe it is real. i swear.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

11 weeks


we went out for a fancy sushi dinner last night for our anniversary. it was wonderful and delicious and very very raw.

i have had ramen for lunch 5-6 times in the last week or so. i know it has msg. i know this because i used to never NEVER let msg near me. it is poison!! toxic!! not allowed in the house!

i had salami and a hotdog in the same night.

i had waffles for breakfast and then again for dinner.

i have been drinking chai. i know it has caffeine. i know!!!! i also know it is delicious!! that i have gotten that all out of the way and the guilt weight has lifted...

pregnancy related updates:

the appointment with the midwife went well.

we talked about all the normal stuff....i am actually not entirely sure what we talked about because the entire hour the only thing i heard was the voice in my head saying "when do i get to hear the heartbeat? will there be a heartbeat. fuck, i hope there is still a heartbeat. when are we going to hear the heartbeat? what if she can't find the heartbeat? man i want to hear the heartbeat....heartbeat.....heartbeat....."

on the outside i smiled and nodded a lot. i answered some medical history questions and later realized i had answered some wrong.

so after lots of talking, a pelvic exam, breast exam and pap.....she finally brought out the doppler. and after not hearing anything after probing my belly for a few minutes....she got the dildo attachment. lovely, i know. tell me about it. so a glob of lube and an uncomfortable yet intimate moment later and.....there it was. clear as day. the heartbeat. 170 bpm.

i am supposed to go in for the NT scan next week. this is slightly nerve wracking because A) it is another ultrasound and they freak me out and B) they are checking for abnormalities and genetic disorders like down syndrome. i am trying not to think about it until i actually have it scheduled...which i tried to do but couldn't because apparently there is only one hospital in all of the greater Seattle area that can do this particular scan....and they are all booked up! imagine that! but i need to get this scan between 11-13 they are "seeing what they can do".

what else.....oh! my digestive system seems to have shut down. i think around 6 pm each night everyone stamps out and leaves for the day. the machines screech to a halt. first my intestines bloat up. gas comes from all directions. nothing is moving. nothing!! (nothing really moves anyway....but at night! oh dear god!!) at some point after hours of pain and whining and moaning....the gas builds up to such extreme levels that it slowly escapes in tiny puffs here and there. this tiny puffs contain high levels of toxic poison that can kill husbands and dogs. at this point exhaustion has set in after hours of discomfort and pain. i wake up each day feeling great like it was all a nasty nightmare. until the next evening it starts again.

also.....i am still puking. but only once a day on average. sometimes i pee my pants when i am vomiting. just a little. but enough to make me realize that i asked for this! i wanted all of this!! i begged for this! and by golly you will get it and it will be ugly and awful and ridicules!!! you will puke all the time! you will pee your pants! you will not poop for days and days!!! but REMEMBER....YOU WANTED THIS!!!!! baaaahahahahahahahah

in other news:

i learned how to crochet today and am half way done with a beautiful scarf. next step will be advancing to knitting. soon i will be whipping out baby booties and crib blankets, no prob.
(this would be funny to you if you saw how janky and inconsistent my scarf attempt looks.)