Sunday, October 30, 2011

words words words

i have almost finished an entire bottle of wine...all by myself. if i squint my left eye i can almost see the letters on the keyboard. in other news, i baked a caramel apple upside down cake today. Halloween. it is also the day we got married. we dressed in costume. we kissed every anxious minute and took stupid pictures of the Seattle skyline. we were called back to the judges chambers and were told how important marriage is and i felt like she was scolding us...because...well, we were in costume and clearly not taking it very seriously. we giggled. my cheeks were flushed. i couldn't stop smiling. i think we were chewing gum. and it was the best thing i have ever done. my god, i love him. i am blown away every day by who he is. my husband. he is such a fantastic human.

a week ago, i was looking forward to our anniversary dinner...Indian food with no alcohol...we would talk about our growing family, what larger car to buy, how amazing everything is, how lucky we we will be drunk, eating the rawest fish possible....i will try to not burst into tears. things are still good. we are still very lucky for many things....but, we are also grieving and it sucks. it just sucks so fucking bad. it isn't just this miscarriage. it is all of them. they pile on top of each other. it is the fear of more. it is the crushing of hope. it is trying to celebrate with a shadow of pain hanging over you. it just sucks.

it has been a week. i think i am getting better. i feel slightly foolish for how hard i took this. there are no guarantees and i know that better than anyone.


i am going to go pass out now.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

moving on...

i took this one hard.

i have many thoughts on this. putting them down in words with structure seems impossible.

none of it is new. it has all been said. to get pregnant only to lose want this person. this addition. to imagine, only for a second, this person joining your family. you see little hopeful pictures of the future. and then it goes away and you must say goodbye to that little potential future. yes, it will happen again and maybe result in a baby, but not like that. not now. not June 2012. and there it sits. until it passes and even then. it was to be a huge month. now it is just another page on a calender that will come and go. like August 2009. March 2010. June 2012.

i just wanted it so bad. not only because of the obvious...but because i didn't want to go through this again. i don't want to suffer like this again. i have not felt sadness in so long. my life is so amazing and i am so in love with my husband and children and i forgot what this felt like. to feel lost in your own sadness. to want to jump out of your body. to want to numb yourself. to feel broken and unable to just shake it off. it just is so consuming. and i have a beautiful life to get back to. so....i need to move on. it is just so disorienting. i know it has a day...

i feel better than i did yesterday and i will feel better tomorrow. these things happen. but i just hate how people say that. it wasn't a thing that happened. it was a baby we wanted that will never be born into our life. so even though you know it happens and happens to still was to be your child and now is gone. it was your future and now it isn't.

so....i'll grieve this....let go of that future.....and move on. i have another future to get to.

Monday, October 24, 2011

didn't stick

started bleeding last night. i'm crushed. again.

i know it will all be ok. but right now i feel so, totally, completely devastated. again. fucking again.

Thursday, October 20, 2011


and i can still eat. i will feel much better when i am gagging and unable to eat.

all of this seems very surreal and silly until i am puking and peeing my pants. then and only then will i believe any of it.

since i never lost the pudge from my last pregnancy, i already look about 5 months pregnant.... if i let it hang out instead of sucking it in.... or if i wear this.

which i just bought.


sure did.

because when you are knocked up you can wear tight stuff to show off your bump...even if the bump is just pudge that you always have. when a baby lives in there, it is cute. when no baby lives in is very NOT CUTE.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011


doc said numbers are good.....even though they sound low to me...he said they are doubling the way they should be...

12 dpo, hcg was 20
16 dpo, hcg was 72

so....still very early....i am going to wait for 2 weeks before I even schedule the first ultrasound.

time is never slower than it is in pregnancy. luckily i have a toddler to distract me. here he is hiding, one of our favorite games:

Sunday, October 16, 2011

to take my mind off it...

crafting! i have been making these little bird ornaments. i make one a day....and will be putting them on christmas, if you know me, expect one on your christmas gift :) i was thinking about selling them for a couple bucks on etsy....but i doubt anyone would buy them...they are "rustic"...all wonky and hand sewn....but that is sort of what i like about them...charm!

here we go again

i remember this feeling. it wasn't that long ago. it is fear. and then excitement. back to fear. daydream planning. then shaking it out of my thoughts. numbing it. pushing it away. and then joy. and then fear. fear. fear. then calm. peace. zen. what will be, will be. out of my hands. confidence. but then that all goes away when i remember. so i try to not think about any of it. which doesn't work. welcome to my crazy.

now we wait. and wait. and see if it sticks. it will, right? first beta was friday. next one will be tuesday.