Wednesday, May 27, 2009

thanks. i needed that.

as a distraction from thinking about baby stuff, i decided to watch the latest episode of the office on hulu tonight. i was looking for ways to turn off my brain...and ways to avoid trolling babycenter, fertitlity friend, and other baby sites that sometimes make me feel poopy and babyless.
i have not watched the office in a year. in the episode i just watched, it seems everyone's favorite adorable couple, pam and jim, are.......drum guessed it! pregnant. there is this darling scene of them finding out and they are crying and hugging and so happy!

i want to jab something sharp in my eye.

word for the day year: patience

because i like to have balance in my feel feel try to achieve a place of content......AND NOT a bipolar state.....this post is in response to my last post, which was a bit of a "downer". because for every bitch fest there should be a cuddle puddle. for every rant, a praise.


(i don't know...i am making this up as i go) period has come and gone and i am feeling good. my adult acne seems to be clearing up (why do i still break out each month? i am 30! i thought it would stop! i guess this means my hormones are still working)
i accomplished some major tasks the bathtub (soft scrub is so great, really). i also cleaned out the guest room which was a dumping ground for boxes, stuff for Good Will, an extra sofa (seriously, it took up the entire room...if and when we ever have a guest, they would not be able to enter the room, let alone stay comfortably), old luggage, toys that have taken away (we call this "jail" for these lost and forgotten toys) it was a big task. the project of all projects. and success! and it feels great!

my daughter and i had a lovely evening last night. she can be so fun and hilarious. i am looking forward to this summer when she will be home all day and we can do fun things like go to the beach or the zoo. i also want to take a knitting class with her.....i just accidently wrote "knotting" which is probably more appropriate.

other good things: i am going to Martha's Vinyard in August which will be amazing. I am also driving to Montana next month to visit a friend and i am really excited. I am not going to LA next who knows if that means we might be "in" this month. i guess it all boils down to timing. and sex. timing+sex= maybe babeh

and because i try to keep a level of raw honesty...i would like to share a "chat" from yesterday to show.....just how crazy i am. just how bitchy and spazzy a woman, wanting a child, can be.

example A: i had just told him he needs to drop off the dog at the vet on thursday. he has a problem with getting her fixed and this is the second attempt...i had to cancel the last appointment because he did not feel ready.

please click on to enlarge

as you see here, i go from silly and crazy in seconds. i tap into a dark, horrible place so quickly.

(the talk at the fire he refers to was from this weekend...we went camping with friends and started talking about how they don't want children...and that was it)

my point of sharing this :
i need to get a hold of myself! i love my husband and i need to accept this stage. i need to have patience!! i need to love him even if he doesn't want to make babies right this second. why is that so difficult for me to grasp every month? of course my marriage is more important. of course he will want to try again. but, women with baby on the brain, lose it. i mean, i have months before i run out of eggs!

good news: this is a stage. sure, i am baby crazy and that part won't change....but this stage of obsessing, of wanting and longing.....will not last forever. i know it won't. i know we will get pregnant again at some point.

bad news: this stage fucking sucks.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

a new focus

i am really trying to be grateful for all i have. it is hard to not focus on this one missing thing....but i am going to try. it is just too exhausting to feel emptiness every time i see a cute couple with a toddler on the dad's shoulders. or tiny infants in front slings. or big round pregnant bellies.

i am going to stop thinking about what my body would look like right now if i hadn't had the miscarriage. i am going to stop hoping to replace my lost pregnancy. i am going to try to picture myself this time next year...without a baby and without being pregnant.

i fall too hard each month. the crash of disappointment is too devastating.

i am tired of feeling wounded. i am tired of feeling incomplete.

this process is supposed to be joyous. it is supposed to be magical. it is supposed to feel like a partnership with the one you love. a gift you give to each other. a hope, shared.

i will not feel alone in this process anymore. i already had a baby alone. this was supposed to be different. we are supposed to want this. both of us. together.

i asked my husband this weekend...."so when do think you will be ready to start trying? July? September? October? June?" and he gave no response. he avoided and laughed. i am sure that meant he didn't want to fight. he didn't want to see my face....didn't want to crush me any more. so he said nothing and hopes that will make it better.

and i allowed it. because, honestly, i don't think i could take it, because i know the answer isn't good.

and i wish i didn't find this so unfair. i wish i could understand his reasons. i wish it wasn't this huge wedge between us. i wish, oh how i wish, i could turn off this want/need/dream to have a baby. i really wish i could. damn you stupid mothering instinct! damn you biological clock!!

but i do find it unfair. and i find it cruel. i blame him for a lot of my pain.

how awful! to blame the one you love for such things. how did i lose hold of everything else?
how did this fantasy baby take over? how did i become this person?

so.....yes.....i am going to refocus. i am going to be grateful for what i DO have, not on the baby i don't.

and if that doesn't work.....???

Friday, May 22, 2009


period came. and i have a sinus thing going on. so basically, i feel like complete shit.

on the bright side, um.....*thinking thinking thinking*......oh! it is memorial day weekend,the sun is shining, and i have a full bottle of vanilla vodka.

who knows when all this will happen. i hate this part of each month. these are the dark days. in cycle lingo...days 1-15, SUCK pretty much. and then, if i feel there has been a potential good timed, um, shall we say session?, then days 16-28 (sometimes to 30) are kind of long but filled with hope and excitement. the daydreaming days. the days i feel so happy and in love with my husband. and then crash. back to cycle day ONE, also know as the cycle day that crushes my hopes and dreams. cycle day one, the day i feel resentment for my husband for not wanting to actually TRY to make this happen for real.

fuck you, cycle day one. i hate you.

i might be going to LA in June.....perfectly times around when i ovulate. so June will be a no go. who knows how my husband will feel by July.....maybe he will feel better by then and want to give it a real go....but i won't be holding my breath.

also, while i am ranting, it is so strange to have friends that started trying the same time you did.....and got pregnant.....and you watch their entire pregnancy, from announcing it, to the first ultrasound, to finding out it is a boy, to getting huge and awkward to giving birth yesterday to a healthy baby......and i am still here....still wanting and still hoping. and they went through the entire process already! they went through the finish gates and i am still at the starting line just stomping my feet.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009


nothing takes the wind out of your sails like a negative pregnancy test.

i know it could be too early. i am 11 days past ovulation. i also know it is most likely not happening this month. i feel the odds are against me.

it is funny how i have had some real promising "symptoms" the last couple days.....but pms can be so similar to early pregnancy symptoms.

for example....when i was pregnant in November....i drove by some protesters...holding signs that said things like "stop war" and "peace" and "bring our troops home".....and all these people waving and giving the peace sign. it made me cry. i was totally crying thinking about peace.

which brings me to today....driving....a tupac (2pac?) song comes on the radio.....the one he wrote to his "momma" about how he appreciates her for raising him in the hood on welfare. and it made me get all teary. the kind of weepy that only makes sense if you are pregnant. but.....perhaps i was just a lil emotional about a neg test....or it could be pms.....but pms normally just makes me a raging bitch.

to make me feel better after the failed test...i got a latte and an almond croissant. take that hopeful pregnancy. i will not deprive myself of a latte for stupid hopes and dreams anymore!!

excuse me while i go wallow around and mope.

Monday, May 18, 2009

blame cake

9 days past ovulation.

i think i am a little crampy today...but it also may be from the cake i had for lunch.

and i seem really hungry, but that may be because i ran 5 miles yesterday and well, because i like eating and constantly look for an excuse to do so.

i kind of have a stomach ache that could almost be interpreted as heartburn, but again, that is probably from the cake.

tomorrow i will not eat cake to possibly establish clearer symptoms.

i heart FF

sometimes i really love fertility friend......and other times.....i feel like she is teasing me.....stringing me along.....hiding things.....sometimes i swear fertility friend is trying to make me go completely the equivalent to slipping me some acid, twirling me around, dropping me off in the jungle and covering me with honey.

when i was using my temperature to chart.....FF would randomly add things and change things around. one minute she would say "everything looks GREAT and so promising" and the next take away the cross hairs and say "your chances are not good.....not good at all".

then why use fertility friend? because of times like this:

info tidbit!!! this particular "info tidbit" gives me such hope today....just when i needed it. it is almost like FF could sense my slipping faith.....and gave me a shout out. FF really is the Oracle with all the answers.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

i could also join a bird club, or volunteer at a falconry rescue.

fun fact!
number of people close to me that have had a baby or gotten pregnant since we started trying: 7

i made the mistake of walking into a new store today....called crewcuts. it is the jcrew store for kids. i am more of an urban outfitters and anthropologie girl......but....something about the preppy little boy clothes.....the tiny brown leather loafers, knit cardigans, the plaid shorts, the seersucker mini suit and itty bitty ties......just KILL ME.

dear stork,

someday....i would like a boy. please. PLEASE.

in exchange for this i will stop using my car so much, i will join a group that rebuilds habitat for birds, i will fix the broken birdbath in my yard, i will recycle all time (even when i am not at home and can't find a recycling bin and the trash is right there), i will never choose plastic, i will get a hummingbird feeder, i will stop calling pigeons "rats with wings" and i will continue to feed breadcrumbs to the seagulls and ducks.


see you soon!

p.s. i would also take a girl. or both. xo!

Saturday, May 16, 2009

waiting makes me want to slam my head against walls

7 days past ovulation. i have no pregnancy symptoms at all.

i drank last night. 3 beers.


part of me wants to be hopeful and think there is a chance that one day of baby making in the car was enough.

but the other part is used to disappointment and will not be surprised if it didn't work.

so i drank 3 beers. because why put my life on hold at this point? it is the giant "what if" constantly on my mind and i am getting tired of the heartache.

and beer is delicious. it's not like i was taking shots of tequila.

the waiting is the worst.

i wish i could sit down with my husband and make a plan. a concrete plan. something we both sign and initial. it would go something like....if, in 6 months from now, we have not conceived by sporadic, on a whim, champagne induced techniques, we will give it a real go and eff daily like rabbits. sign here, here, and initial here.

so 6 months from now would be....october.

i might run this by him. i doubt he would sign.

Friday, May 15, 2009

other part of the story

i am finally feeling better. i am looking forward to the warm summer months...walking to the pool....flipflops.....freckles. i am able to move forward without feeling that overwhelming crushed feeling.

it was touch and go for a bit, but i am actually enjoying my husband. it is definitely hard on a marriage when one person is in a dark hole of despair. we have gone through a lot. i love him completely and feel so lucky to have him.

there was some resentment....some? a lot. a lot of resentment when he said he wanted to wait for awhile before trying again. i struggled with why he would do that to me. i was so absorbed in my own pain that i couldn't see his. i think most women connect healing from their loss with that idea of getting pregnant again. you think you will be better and less sad when you get pregnant again. you want to feel that hope again so desperately.

i can't say i am glad he made that decision...but i understand it.

and i had to move on. i had to get to a place where there was more. where i could feel love and happiness.

not sure what will happen and when. not sure if it is not this month, when it will be. but i know it will happen.

part of the story has been a tough few months. i thought it would be helpful to start this blog to focus on all things baby making, baby hoping, baby dreaming, baby obsessing.

for anyone who has ever "tried" to get pregnant you know the highs and lows that come each month. for those of you that get pregnant the first month of are very lucky....(i originally wrote FUCK YOU...tehehe)

my story is this:

in my 20's, i got knocked up a couple times. i was stupid.
i had an abortion. which ruined me for a period of time. i also had a baby when i was 23. everyone made jokes about me being too fertile.

i missed out on being in love with a man and sharing all things baby. i missed out on the joy of pregnancy in a lot of ways. i missed out on having a child with a man i totally loved.

i raised my daughter alone...with a lot of support from my parents.

years went by. i got less stupid. i met my husband, fell madly in love, married.

i wanted to have a child with him right away. i felt ready. i couldn't wait. but he could.

we waited a year. when i saw that faint pink line on the pregnancy test i felt like my heart was going to explode. i remember jumping up and down on the bed when i showed my husband.
i started making baby name lists instantly.
i looked online at cribs and daydreamed about what color to paint the nursery.

i spotted. like a lot. i didn't remember that ever happening. i also cramped a lot. so i went to the doc and the took my blood to check hormone levels. everything looked great...levels were doubling. the doc said congratulations, everything is fine.

i put the lab results on the fridge.

at the first ultrasound....we were told it was too early...come back next week.
at the second ultrasound the nurse looked concerned. she looked sad.
more blood work.
numbers dropping.
third ultrasound....confirmed no heartbeat.

i should mention this was right before Christmas. i should also mention the snow storm that shut the city down.

luckily i found a doctor to preform the D&C on Dec 23rd.
before the procedure he gave me 2 muscle relaxers, 2 vicodin, 2 600mg ibuprofen..... bless him.

physically, everything went well and i was healed about a month later. emotionally....i have been in a tornado. the sadness. the anger. the heartbreak. the rage. the hopelessness. the questions.

why did it have to happen to me? am i being punished? does god hate me because of the abortion? do i even believe in god? why am i so angry? when will my husband want to try again? will it happen again? when will i feel like i can leave the house? when will i be able to see a pregnant woman and not cry? when will the pain stop?

none of this is abnormal. it is just another miscarriage story. but this one is mine.


story of this month:

took opk (ovulation prediction) on May 8th, my husbands birthday and it was positive. i did not tell him about it.
not expecting much to happen in the world of baby making since we had a conversation the week before about waiting a few more months to really try.
on May 9th, my 30th birthday, (and my ovulation day) we had a fancy 5 course dinner. it was amazing. best meal of my life. we also had a bottle of champagne.....which i think lead to the after dinner hump fest in the CAR. the car. so trashy.

thus giving me a little bit of hope for this month. was a full moon.

today is 6 days past ovulation.
i will wait to test until next friday.
so one week.

please please please let this be the story of conception. i would be so proud.