October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month.
On one hand.... This bothers me. I don't need to be reminded. I don't like that I was going along... Happily enjoying my Friday and something was on facebook and then bam! I am forced to think about something unpleasant, something tragic. And do we really need awareness? Isn't it just another tragic part of life? Aren't we aware enough?
And then the other hand is.... I felt lost. I felt horribly alone. Not because they don't happen. Not because i wasn't aware it could happen to me.... But because NO ONE likes to talk about it. Because it hurts. And it scares the shit out of people.
Anyway. Today it is a crisp, sunny, fall day. The leaves are yellow and the sky the brightest blue. My baby boy and I are under a blanket, belly to belly. Every single day I look at him, and my chest feels full. Like I might explode. The tears fall and the love pours out. I look at him and think "I wanted you so much, and it was worth all the pain along the way". I look at him and feel totally happy, totally in love. And every single day I remember the babies that didn't stay. The two potential children I had for moments in my belly. I think about them and wonder what they would have looked like...I remember the pain and heartbreak of saying goodbye. Every. Single. Day. I think about them because they were on my journey to here... In a cozy bed with Milo.
So, I don't need a month for awareness. But I do hope it helps women talk about their losses.
Thinking of all my friends who have had a loss...