mutha effer

So.... not a boy.

I am a bit surprised at how hard I have taken this....I feel like a hormonal ball of crazy. the news of a healthy baby girl should be celebrated! joyous!! best news ever! but I was....devastated. crushed. totally a broken heap of a woman. this has brought up a couple things I would like to discuss about these 2 words:

Gender Disappointment.

so..some see this as a made up thing. some refuse to acknowledge gender disappointment as a real issue. people like to make you feel guilty for not appreciating the baby you have and instead grieving over something like gender....when, as we all know, there is always a 50/50 shot and we all know this going in to it.
people like to bring up how ungrateful one is when they have the nerve to complain about gender disappointment when there are many, many women who struggle with infertility and pregnancy or infant loss and it is seen as very ungrateful to complain about a specific gender of baby when many parents would simply LOVE to have a child and would never complain about anything.  ever.

so yeah..i can say 'fuck you' to those people because... I know what pregnancy loss feels like. I know what it feels like to try to get pregnant for months and months only to miscarry and then trying again for more months and months.
I know what it feels like to grieve during that....and I now know what it feels like to grieve after learning I will never have another son. Milo will never have a brother. oh how I wanted him to have that. I wanted him to have that bond with a sibling....I always wanted that and never had it.

I can tell you grieving is grieving and the disappointment is very real and very hard.

I also know that rationally I should NOT feel this way. I know that this baby will be totally loved and she is meant to be a part of this family. that i am so fortunate and lucky.  I know that we will someday look back and not be able to imagine our world without her. that is what having a baby does. they are so a part of you...of your life...your flesh your breath...instantly they become your world....and to remember a world before them seems impossible and when you do manage to think back, those times feel empty in comparison.
I know some brothers hate each other and some boys have sisters who they are very close with. I know that just because I want my kids to have good relationships with each other doesn't mean they will.

 I know rationally that all children are different, all girls are not the same just as all boys are not the same. that the fear I have of another girl like Riley...dramatic and emotional and constantly challenging...with all the battles I fight against society and body image and pop culture influence and screening everything from TV shows to toys to clothes to music because she sucks it all up and wants to be this thing...this sexy, popular, famous, princess, justin beiber's girlfriend, materialistic, shallow, dumb, slut...(not that she is....but that is the battle i am fighting) well....I know not all girls are like this and this battle is not one I am guaranteed to be fighting forever....right? right. and even if I do fight that battle, I know rationally that it is ok. and that having a daughter is as important and wonderful as having a son.

but FUCK. I am not thinking rationally right now. I am hormonal!! I am an emotional tornado! I LOVE being a mother to a boy. it is so easy!!!! it feels so completely different. it feels....natural. like I don't have to worry as much. I can just....enjoy it. enjoy him. mother him in a way that doesn't involve screening and battling society.  I feel like I am a better mother to him....that I suck as a mother to my daughter.  that I have a shitty relationship with my mother and I don't like girls.  I don't.  they are brats and snotty and manipulative and emotionally crazy and every girl is a slut.  including me.  I suck.  this is why I don't have many friends.   because i can't fucking stand most women.

and yes, I know Milo is TWO and in a totally different stage. and I know I sound completely fucking nuts right now.

*side note: I used to say "fucking nuts" all the time when riley was little....until one day she said "funky nuggets" and I realized 3 things 1. she was trying to say fucking nuts like mommy says all the time and 2. I am SO glad she interpreted this wrong and invented a totally cute and awesome new saying and 3. I need to watch my fucking mouth.

anyway...so yes. learning we would be having a girl sent me into a sadness...I sobbed for 3 days. I have all these fears. and I have all this guilt. this girl deserves to have a mom that is excited to have her and I am not there....yet. but I will be. I know I can get there.  hopefully she will make me a better person...or at least this experience will....because i just read this vomiting of a 'blog' and i sound like a totally crazy asshat.  see?  women are CRAZY.

I am going to go slam my head on my desk now.  then I am going to eat ice cream until I can't move.  then I will mope around and cry about how gross and fat I am.  because this is how my gender deals with being an emotional, self loathing, basket case.   well that and having drunken sex and flirting with men at bars to fill their suffering egos because they find value in things like sexual attention.  (read: being SLUTS)

but I can't do that anymore because I am too busy being pregnant, ungrateful and married.