31 weeks

I woke up in a funk on Saturday. no reason. i mean, other than the obvious.
i felt so exhausted and uncomfortable in my skin. i just wanted to sleep but couldn't sleep. and i had just slept a full night. then for no reason i just started sobbing. like big real sobs. like ugly crying. like uncontrollable bawling. FOR NO REASON. i was not sad. wasn't stressed. wasn't mad or frustrated. just a little tired even though i had just woke up.

then we went to our "Coping with Confidence" class which was pretty great. We learned fun breathing techniques and all sorts of labor positions. Dan learned how to massage and do counter pressure stuff. it was great! and then we watched a horrible video and i decided i don't want to deliver this baby. ever. oh god it looked awful. and i have done it before! but....i was drugged, so not really. oh my god these women were in so much pain. it was agonizing to watch. and i kept thinking....why am i doing this again? holy crap those women looked like they were in the process of DYING....not birthing. i guess it would feel like dying....i mean....it is feeling your body break in half, tear open, and spill out some organs.....oh and a baby.

but....i am still going to do it. i may scream and cry and be in the worst pain of my life....but i am going to do it. hopefully. if i am not successful at a natural birth, it will be all Dan's fault for not doing the proper massage.

My mother in law arrives today and we are going to start sewing the crib bumper and some blankets. i have been looking forward to this for so long. Then, this Sunday is the baby shower my wonderful friend Sarah is having for me!!! i am so excited!

all of this is getting very real.

can you believe i may actually have a baby?

for all my lovely friends who are trying to conceive month after month....and those who have had miscarriages.....just know.....it will happen. you won't think it will ever happen, but it will. and it will feel totally scary at first and you will doubt everything. you will fear the worst for months. you won't really believe it for a long time, but you will go through the motions and try to stay positive.

then one day you will be almost in your 8th month of pregnancy. you will wonder if you spent enough time enjoying it. did i actually cherish my pregnancy? have i taken time to truly feel pregnant and happy? have i only focused on the end result this entire time because of fear of it not getting there?

but the important thing is that, yes. it happens. it works. the baby grows. you grow. at some point the fear quiets just enough.....and the joy is overwhelming. the possibility of a baby gradually switches from a daydream, a longing, the hopeful outcome.....to REALITY....and your heart feels full again.

oh baby boy, i can't wait to meet you, but for now, i love feeling you move and grow safely in my belly.

30 weeks

oh the heartburn. last night was a doozy.

i am feeling....big. very.....big.

when i roll over in bed i must sit up and then throw myself...using the momentum of my own mammoth weight to fling myself to my other side. this is normally accompanied my a grunt or two.


here is my 30 week photo....i think Riley is getting excited to be a big sister...

stuff

oh hi.

nothing new or exciting to report. nothing major to bitch about.

i am still peeing my pants every time i sneeze, still gaining mass amounts of weight, still trying to sell the house. still having a boy with huge balls.

i need a root canal. so that is fun. the tooth pain i had last night gave me some practice in pain management. i breathed through the pain. i tried to focus on a place outside my body. i was this close to taking vicodin. but i didn't.

have i mentioned how much i hate teeth? i hate teeth.

what else....oh! i painted the changing table yellow. i am trying to nest where i can. i went shopping for potential changing table baskets. i looked at at least 20 different baskets at 5 different stores.

i may have too much time on my hands here.



other news: when looking for bathing suits for Riley at Old Navy, I discovered the disturbing fact that they have padding in the bikini tops. PADDING. boob padding. for children. small children.

girls of that generation are screwed. my daughter....my poor daughter....she is totally a part of a generation forced to grow up and be tweens when they are in first grade, teens when they are in 3rd grade, and adults when they hit junior high. i guess i should put her on birth control now. she had a girl in her class, her first grade class, bragging about "having sex with her boyfriend".

clearly, i blame Old Navy for this.

please note:

i am so tired of defending why i am going to have a natural childbirth and why i think it is important to cloth diaper.

seriously, if you are not going to be encouraging, please keep your opinions, jokes, eye rolls, sarcastic comments to yourself.

i don't tease you about your life choices, do not tease me about mine.

I need support, not ridicule. i am not stupid. i am not uninformed. i am not unrealistic.

yes, i know it is going to fucking hurt. yes. i get that. thanks. and yes, i know i am going to have to wash poopy diapers.

i have done more research than you. i have done more soul searching than you could possibly imagine. i did not make these decisions lightly. they are important to me for very specific, well thought out reasons.

this is not a silly little conversation to me. this is me not allowing negative, unsupportive, doubting influences around me as i embark on a huge emotional, physical and mental challenge.

if you were about to run a marathon, i would not tell you that you can't do it. that you are stupid for even thinking you could finish the race. i would not ask you why would you even think you could run a marathon. i would assume you had trained. that you understood the distance. that you needed to feel confident and supported.


why the fuck do women not get this?

if you are not going to support those attempting NATURAL CHILD BIRTH, one the biggest events in a woman's life, then please, shut the fuck up.


thank you and i love you.

mama bird with no nest

the urge is in full force. i have been to babies R us twice since Sunday. today i went to a JoAnne's and bought *gasp* fabric! then i went to home depot for paint swatches for the changing table. i bought sand paper and primer.

the vision is coming together! i am gathering the pieces, the twigs and moss and fluff for my baby bird nest. however.....i have no spot for said nest. all the twigs are jammed in the closet of the perfectly staged guest room.

speaking of.....no offers yet. i know it has only been one week....but i really don't think we are going to get any offers in the next month. but we will see. the guest room may be trans-nested into the baby room very soon.


i passed my glucose test like a sugar bingeing champ. and just as i was celebrating with a giant cookie, the nurse told me i am severely anemic and need to take an additional 50mg of iron on top of my prenatal. side effect of iron supplements: constipation.


i am never pooping again.


i guess i could just start an exciting diet of liver and blood sausage.

or have a love affair with prune juice.