I woke up in a funk on Saturday. no reason. i mean, other than the obvious.
i felt so exhausted and uncomfortable in my skin. i just wanted to sleep but couldn't sleep. and i had just slept a full night. then for no reason i just started sobbing. like big real sobs. like ugly crying. like uncontrollable bawling. FOR NO REASON. i was not sad. wasn't stressed. wasn't mad or frustrated. just a little tired even though i had just woke up.
then we went to our "Coping with Confidence" class which was pretty great. We learned fun breathing techniques and all sorts of labor positions. Dan learned how to massage and do counter pressure stuff. it was great! and then we watched a horrible video and i decided i don't want to deliver this baby. ever. oh god it looked awful. and i have done it before! but....i was drugged, so not really. oh my god these women were in so much pain. it was agonizing to watch. and i kept thinking....why am i doing this again? holy crap those women looked like they were in the process of DYING....not birthing. i guess it would feel like dying....i mean....it is feeling your body break in half, tear open, and spill out some organs.....oh and a baby.
but....i am still going to do it. i may scream and cry and be in the worst pain of my life....but i am going to do it. hopefully. if i am not successful at a natural birth, it will be all Dan's fault for not doing the proper massage.
My mother in law arrives today and we are going to start sewing the crib bumper and some blankets. i have been looking forward to this for so long. Then, this Sunday is the baby shower my wonderful friend Sarah is having for me!!! i am so excited!
all of this is getting very real.
can you believe i may actually have a baby?
for all my lovely friends who are trying to conceive month after month....and those who have had miscarriages.....just know.....it will happen. you won't think it will ever happen, but it will. and it will feel totally scary at first and you will doubt everything. you will fear the worst for months. you won't really believe it for a long time, but you will go through the motions and try to stay positive.
then one day you will be almost in your 8th month of pregnancy. you will wonder if you spent enough time enjoying it. did i actually cherish my pregnancy? have i taken time to truly feel pregnant and happy? have i only focused on the end result this entire time because of fear of it not getting there?
but the important thing is that, yes. it happens. it works. the baby grows. you grow. at some point the fear quiets just enough.....and the joy is overwhelming. the possibility of a baby gradually switches from a daydream, a longing, the hopeful outcome.....to REALITY....and your heart feels full again.
oh baby boy, i can't wait to meet you, but for now, i love feeling you move and grow safely in my belly.