moving on...

i took this one hard.

i have many thoughts on this. putting them down in words with structure seems impossible.

none of it is new. it has all been said. to get pregnant only to lose it....to want this person. this addition. to imagine, only for a second, this person joining your family. you see little hopeful pictures of the future. and then it goes away and you must say goodbye to that little potential future. yes, it will happen again and maybe result in a baby, but not like that. not now. not June 2012. and there it sits. until it passes and even then. it was to be a huge month. now it is just another page on a calender that will come and go. like August 2009. March 2010. June 2012.

i just wanted it so bad. not only because of the obvious...but because i didn't want to go through this again. i don't want to suffer like this again. i have not felt sadness in so long. my life is so amazing and i am so in love with my husband and children and i forgot what this felt like. to feel lost in your own sadness. to want to jump out of your body. to want to numb yourself. to feel broken and unable to just shake it off. it just is so consuming. and i have a beautiful life to get back to. so....i need to move on. it is just so disorienting. i know it has been...like a day...

i feel better than i did yesterday and i will feel better tomorrow. these things happen. but i just hate how people say that. it wasn't a thing that happened. it was a baby we wanted that will never be born into our life. so even though you know it happens and happens to everyone....it still was to be your child and now is gone. it was your future and now it isn't.

so....i'll grieve this....let go of that future.....and move on. i have another future to get to.