i have almost finished an entire bottle of wine...all by myself. if i squint my left eye i can almost see the letters on the keyboard. in other news, i baked a caramel apple upside down cake today.
tomorrow....is Halloween. it is also the day we got married. we dressed in costume. we kissed every anxious minute and took stupid pictures of the Seattle skyline. we were called back to the judges chambers and were told how important marriage is and i felt like she was scolding us...because...well, we were in costume and clearly not taking it very seriously. we giggled. my cheeks were flushed. i couldn't stop smiling. i think we were chewing gum. and it was the best thing i have ever done. my god, i love him. i am blown away every day by who he is. my husband. he is such a fantastic human.
a week ago, i was looking forward to our anniversary dinner...Indian food with no alcohol...we would talk about our growing family, what larger car to buy, how amazing everything is, how lucky we are....now... we will be drunk, eating the rawest fish possible....i will try to not burst into tears. things are still good. we are still very lucky for many things....but, we are also grieving and it sucks. it just sucks so fucking bad. it isn't just this miscarriage. it is all of them. they pile on top of each other. it is the fear of more. it is the crushing of hope. it is trying to celebrate with a shadow of pain hanging over you. it just sucks.
it has been a week. i think i am getting better. i feel slightly foolish for how hard i took this. there are no guarantees and i know that better than anyone.
i am going to go pass out now.