thoughts

i just posted this on my other blog.....but thought i would include it here as well. i try to not talk about baby stuff on my other one.....because that is what this one is for...and i don't really want any readers from my other blog knowing all the details of this process (that is why this blog is not listed on my blogger profile).....but...sometimes i cross over.....



I had some blood taken today for some tests. this is the second time this week i have driven to the lab to get poked and drained. i sat in the chair and it felt familiar. i am indifferent to the process of getting blood taken, like most adults. but, i remember so vividly what it felt like the first time i had to give blood. i remember the long hallway at the pediatrician. the posters of kittens and ponies on the wall. the pain. oh the pain. it was awful and terrifying. i felt sick and like i might die. today i barely noticed and chatted about coffee as each vile filled up.

pain is so relative. when i was pregnant with Riley i remember reading about getting an epidural and being freaked out. a needle in your spine? are you kidding? it sounded awful and terrifying. until i was in labor and the pain of contractions made the thought of needle in my spine sound like being tickled with a feather. suddenly, i didn't care AT ALL about the potential wussy pain of getting an epidural.

and emotional pain.....funny how my many "heartbreaks" over the years feel like nothing now that i know the heartbreak of losing a baby. not that i should compare the feeling of being cheated on or dumped to the loss of life. but i feel like my heart is a numb lump these days.

I have always been against this....the idea of becoming numb after something painful. i was conscious to not put walls up around myself after bad relationships or shy away from potential love for fear of being hurt again....i knew to feel was powerful and to hide would only leave me alone and miserable. and it worked. i was open to love and fell for Dan quickly. it was irrational. i was vulnerable. but it was the only way i could be. and it worked. I love him more truly and deeply than i ever imagined possible....and it happened instantly.

and now...in a different area of my heart.....i feel closed and numb. i feel scared and brick by brick i am building walls. what if i can't get pregnant again? what if i have miscarriage after miscarriage? how many times can i go through it? the first time destroyed me. it broke me into so many pieces. it took months and months before i felt ok. and the second one?

well, pain is relative. it hurts less because i have felt it before. because i have to wall off that area or i would crumble. so i was numb. my expectations were low this time. because now i am overwhelmingly aware that a positive pregnancy test does not mean you will have a baby.

but it still hurts. it hurts in a way that is tangible. that i will feel forever. i feel it every time a hear another woman tell me she also had one. it used to mean nothing to me. oh...you had a miscarriage.....that must have been hard.....but now......now i feel it like i would if i was stabbed. and i want to hug them and cry for their pain. the disappointment and total extreme from joy and hope to loss and despair is completely crushing and disorienting.

but we survive. and hopefully try, try again. next time i am going to wrap myself in bubble wrap and sleep in an oxygen chamber for the first 12 weeks.

Cycle day 3

Thank you for all the kind words. Love you guys! May you never go through anything remotely similar and may you all get BFP's very soon!


I am still bleeding. Was pretty heavy the first day and now it seems like a normal period. Got my blood work back from yesterday and my hcg level is ZERO. which......is good. because it means i had a complete miscarriage and can move on.

I am going back in this week to have more blood work done. He is going to test my thyroid and make sure it is normal. He is also going to make sure i don't have any auto-immune or blood clotting disorders. woohoo! see! this doc is getting SHIT DONE.

my last doc sucked big time. she kinda just shrugged and said better luck next time. i hold a major grudge and will never go back to her. (also...i was left high and dry before christmas and had to find a new doc, on DEC 23rd, to preform a D and C...because my doc was "snowed in" and couldn't come to work.....EFF YOU, doctor dumbo! you lose!)

whoa......progesterone much? i may have some residual hormone issues this week.

Emotionally i feel.....like i need vanilla vodka soda with a squeeze of lemon. or 3.

And after that.....after i am done with this "period".....i am going to be the healthiest version of myself. i am going to cut back on all my loves, er, vices...... sugar, coffee, alcohol.

I will swim and run. i will eat veggies and drink tea. i will make my uterus a happy healthy place. why wouldn't you want to implant here? it is SO nice. man....this uterus is top notch.....you should stick around for awhile. i am going to have so many zygotes wanting my uterus....thinking twins or triplets, people. bah! i wish.

I feel sad but eager to move on. eager to try for the boy (remember my plan? that was only a week ago! crazy). slightly scared for the future and what it will mean, but excited and hopeful at the same time. btw...my new, revised time line:

it's back to just a daydream

woke up to a lot of blood.

so that is the end of that.

third times a charm, right?

this is the most heartbreaking process imaginable.

wait.

feeling better today. i know it is out of my hands. i just have to be hopeful and wait. more waiting. this whole process is waiting waiting waiting. you wait to ovulate. you wait to test. you wait for blood confirmation. you wait to see the heart beat. you wait to make through the first 12 weeks.

i do feel good whenever i feel pukey or when i feel the dull cramping of my uterus growing. i put my hope in these things. that maybe, just maybe, my body is doing what it is supposed to be doing and that it is still possible to get good news on tuesday. to get a good, high beta number.
and if not....well, i am doing everything i can....so i have to find comfort in the "if it is meant to be.." mantra. i am working on trusting the universe.

i told my husband today how crazy it is to all day go from extremes...from joy to fear to joy to fear. and he said i can't wait for this part to be over with. i replied with "am i being annoying? i thought i was being better than last time. at least i am not throwing chairs at you".

and he said.....this isn't all about you, dana.

and i realized he is going through the same extremes. he is here with me feeling fear and joy.....and with so many questions. he just hides it better than me.

sad

i am losing hope. i just feel like this isn't going to stick. i took another test and it is even fainter than before. sure it could have been diluted because i have been drinking a ton of water....and it wasn't first morning urine....but i had held it for 4 hours. and i am 16 dpo. it should be showing up as a stronger positive by now. not lighter.

i will know for sure on tuesday when i have a blood test....but i just don't feel too confident right now.

i started spotting a couple days ago. i went to the doc and was put on progesterone pills which are supposed to help strengthen the uterine lining. i just wish i knew for sure i was even still pregnant.

i told myself i wouldn't get attached. but i am going to be so disappointed. i can already feel it.

the nitty gritty of this month's cycle...for those who like this type of stuff.

for those of you who want to know....because i kept track out of habit...not because i was expecting anything for this month. i am so happy i was wrong! this is crazy! ( i am still in disbelief)

again....we only 'did the deed' once, 2 days before when i think i ovulated. i didn't do any ovulation prediction tests or temperature charting. i base when i ovulated off of my cervical mucus and posisition.


i was really gassy starting at 4 dpo. i thought this was because of the new diet i was doing where i eat a lot of beans :)

5 dpo lots of thick creamy CM, cervix really low and soft

6 dpo still creamy CM. and i had a ton of uterus spasms. i made a note about them feeling like "phantom baby kicks". at one point it felt like half of my uterus dropped and then jumped. it was very odd. could i have felt implantation??? (i also felt lots of these bubbly spasms around 1-2 dpo but thought nothing of it).

7 dpo i made a note that i "slept in til 10:30am" and that i felt really gassy and had cramps. i made brownies that night :)

8 dpo the only thing i wrote was that i went out that night and had 2 beers and a glass of wine. whoops!!!!

9 dpo i had a dream that i got my period. i had a headache and felt crabby and bloated.

10 dpo woke up hungry. i started breaking out on my face. lots of little pimples on my forehead and chin.

11 dpo i had a little heartburn at bedtime and a mild wave of nausea...lasted about 30 seconds.

12 dpo got a faint positive. felt a lot of uterus twinges at bedtime, some side pings of pain, dull cramping. and i had indigestion.

13 dpo woke up starving, headache, crampy and brownish IB


all of this is from notes i made on my fertility friend chart. i really feel normal......i mean....i don't have any extreme cramps and my boobs feel fine. we will see how that changes in the next couple weeks.

i also noticed my cervix felt generally softer and lower during this 2 week wait.

shocked

omg omg omg omg omg

OMFG


so......remember what i said before....about waiting for my period to start so we can really get "trying"? remember when i said i didn't have any "symptoms"......and then i said that i didn't have any with the last pregnancy? remember when i said that one time during my "fertile window, the one sad green dot wasn't enough?

ummmm. so.....
i bought a pack of tests yesterday. to have for next month. and when i got home i took one just to without a doubt know that my period was on her way....so we could move on.....to the next month.....of "really trying"......and it was weird.....there was this light pink line. so light. so freaking light that i kind of thought i was losing my shit. i had finally gone batty.

this morning i re-tested. i used another First Response test and the Clear Blue Digital test i have been saving for months. the line test looked the same as yesterday......but the digital......

























i am totally freaking out.

but trying to stay calm.

i am trying not to get ahead of myself. i need to chill out....until i see a heartbeat.....and then i will start online power shopping for the nursery :)