Monday, April 12, 2010

34 weeks

i feel huge and cranky and hungry.

that sounds about right, doesn't it?

i also feel excited, anxious......ready. not ready like he could come tomorrow.....but ready like he could come in a month and i am prepared. we have the room together, i have washed all the 0-3 month clothes. My cloth dipes are all prepped and ready to go. i have taken a class and feel confident about natural delivery. We have the infant car seat and will install the base this weekend.....

i am excited to meet him. see him for the first time. get to know all his little features. i can't wait to hold him against me and breath him in.

i feel him all day long. rolling, pushing, kicking. elbows and knees and butt. i can feel his head turn really low. but, i can't wait to touch his skin. feel his weight. look into his eyes. will they be Dan's? Will they be mine?

i feel like i am just going to break open and cry nonstop as soon as i see him. maybe i won't. i didn't with Riley. but.....she was an accident. i loved her completely and instantly. but it was so different. i feel like i have wanted this baby....this experience....this addition for so long. and the road to get here was heartbreaking.

i remember thinking it would never happen. i remember the feeling of loss so well. to see a positive test and want and fear and hope for months. numbing parts of myself for so long. then allowing myself to feel excited. to feel the joy. battling still to keep all the fears out of my head.

it doesn't all go away. it just all piles on top of each emotion. and is just overwhelming how much i WANT to hold him. touch him. love him with every cell i have.

anyway.....i really want a M&M McFlurry and a Quarter pounder with Cheese. and fries.

i only have a few short weeks before i will have to give up this free-for-all diet. i need to take as much advantage of this time as i can! bring on the calories! bring on the fat!

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