opk's- cycle number: lucky 13

so i think last night was positive. remember when i said this month i was going to be laid back and NOT use ovulation prediction tests? whoopsie!!

...

when time does not fly
but rests like mud

like august heat
sits on steps
in a sticky dress,
a fertility mess

i wait, i wait.
to ovulate.

i don't like you anymore, sushi.

so i am about a week away from ovulation. this is my favorite time of the cycle.....no stress....nothing going on.....nothing to obsess about.....i can have a glass of wine or some sushi without worrying.

except.....i just had sushi.....and almost didn't make it home alive. i almost lost control of all my bodily functions at the same time.....in the car.....in a pretty white sundress.....


almost. luckily i used labor breathing techniques to get through the intestinal cramping.


so that is enough of that for awhile.



i feel really good about the next couple months.....i am feeling pretty relaxed and hopeful. if nothing happens by October i am going to go to an reproductive endocrinologist.

this month we are going to take the laid back approach.....last month was the eff like bunnies approach....the month before was the go out of town and come home right before ovulation approach.

i am also not going to take prenatal vitamins this month....i am just going to take folic acid. i think the prenatals mess with my CM. so i guess i am doing an experiment this month.....don't worry, i will post results of this high tech study.

i will still do the low dose aspirin and progesterone.....but i may not take them next cycle. we'll see.


for now.....this week.....i am going to relax. i am not going to worry about any of it. i will start wearing the fertility necklace on friday :)



on the plus side, once i do get pregnant, i won't have any problem giving up sushi for 9 months.

month after month after month

if we are successful this month we would be due in May. my favorite month. I was born May 9th. my Husband was born May 8th. Mother's day is in May. My bff's birthday is May 27th.
Spring in Seattle starts in May. this is the month we all come out of hiding after months and months of gloom. the pacific northwest is a depressing, soggy place from October to April. Everyone is happier in May. The birds start singing again. We open all the windows for fresh air.

With that said.....i would love a May baby. but i am not expecting it. expectations are a tricky mine field to navigate through.

i really want to get to a place where i don't live 9 months in the future. i know this is not possible. but it would be so nice. i would love to not know how old my dream baby will be at his first Christmas as each month comes and goes. 7 months old if it happens this month. 6 months old if next month works. i do this every month. picture the seasons of next year. picture them all with a baby in different appropriate outfits. bundled in winter. naked in summer. newborn in spring.

if only i could give my self a frontal lobe lobotomy. i wonder if shock therapy would work.


i have been going back and forth about calling Seattle Reproductive Medicine.

on one hand i feel like i should be doing everything i can with doctors who specialize in this sort of thing. but on the other, i am already seeing a doc who i trust and has tested me for basic stuff and seems to be proactive and confident that all i need is some progesterone and i will get pregnant again and it will stick.

i know my husband would prefer i did nothing. he is confident it will happen. not at all worried or stressed.

i just keep reminding myself.....when we started trying last August.....it took us 4 cycles.....4. of really trying. so i should give myself at least 3 more months before i get worried. but i just hate this feeling.....this race against time anxiety i get.

so i guess if nothing happens by......november......i will go to the fertility clinic and have more tests done.

for now i just twiddle my thumbs.

her last visit

she has many names
and is the punch line to a few jokes.
always here, even when she is not.
like the moon.
like the tides.

i never thought of her
until i did

girl, you come without asking
now
like a vagabond with a cardboard sign
asking for snacks or money or more.
i would drive past you and not make eye contact
if i had a choice

but you hop on in
sit down
smile and wink like you own the place

in a way you do

this is the last time we do this
your last visit to my bed
my indifference has turned

like a simple table wine to sour vinegar

i don't want you anymore
(well, not for months and months)

so pack your shit and leave.

period.

next cycle

i have the worst cramps.

i am SO not pregnant this month. doh!

i could of sworn i was having symptoms.....up until Friday....i took a test...it was negative....and from then on all i have felt is PMS. cruel, mean, bitchy, painful PMS. now i am just waiting for it to start.

i was bummed about this for a minute.....now i just want to get on with it.

so weird.....we had SO much sex! all around the right time! what the hell? why is this process such a tease? there is no...i repeat NO....rhyme or reason to this! NONE. last month we had sex ONCE and we got pregnant. now i am on the progesterone to tackle the implantation issue....and what? i don't get pregnant? with all that awesomely timed effing? not sure what we will do different next cycle....i guess i need a new plan of attack.

plan:


1. wear fertility necklace every day.
2. wait until positive (or close) opk to start humping like rabbits. consider every other day approach.
3. i read something about grapefruit juice....or was it pineapple juice.....read up on juice and how it will help me get a baby.
4. for the love of god, start running again!
5. eff this no coffee bullshit
6. try.....try very very hard.....to make love. have fun. feel spontaneous even if i know i am about to ovulate. make husband feel loved and desired for more than his seed.
7. ask doc about progesterone and if i need more or less
8. take baby aspirin all month
9. get x-rays, dental cleanings, ect before 2 week wait.
10. think fertile, positive thoughts.

best necklace EVER!

i just got the most wonderful gift in the mail! my mom sent me a fertility necklace she got in Africa. it has lil penises!!!! lots of lil penises!!!! i am going to wear it every day. i will never take it off.
questions i am asking myself: are you going to wear it to bed? YES (um? of course!!!). are you going to wear it in the shower? YES. out in public? YES. will you feel weird about wearing a penis necklace all the time? NO.

observe....

yum

i ate six cupcakes yesterday.



SIX.



and they weren't just any cupcakes....they were chocolate with salted caramel frosting.














num num num

i bought some tests....trying to ignore them until Saturday.

i had a baby dream last night. i was breastfeeding a baby girl. that is the second baby girl dream this month (the first one was before i ovulated). hmmmmm.

thanks info tidbit!!

for fun- OPK's from this month

just for fun....here are my ovulation prediction tests from this month....yes i did save them. and yes i did take a photo of them. and yes, i know this is weird. i mean....take photos of a positive pregnancy test, of course! but a positive opk? just slightly weird.


the top is from Saturday, Aug 1. the middle from Sunday, Aug 2....i thought this was the positive until.....the bottom one is from Monday, Aug 3. to throw myself a curve ball....i read later that i was supposed to hold my pee for 4 hours before testing. i did not do that with the first 2. the last one i held if for about 2 hours and 42 mins. the good news is we certainly had enough sex around all of these days....so who knows.

note: these particular opks say that a positive is as dark as, or darker than the control line. in my experience, i have never had a line darker than the control line.....

sweet progesterone

i didn't go postal on the insurance lady...i did hang up on her and then cry....but i was otherwise nice. i won't bore anyone with the details....but i do feel totally effed. my doc is in my network. the lab they use is also in my network. the lab sent my blood work to an out of network testing place. so....it was totally out of my control and i feel royally fucked by the lab.

so i owe 755 dollars. for some blood work.....after a miscarriage....that showed nothing is wrong with me.

in other progesterone related news, i cried all the way to old navy today. no good reason. i was thinking about this journey. the last year of my life. all the heartache and loss. all the hoping and wondering. all the obsessing. thinking about how it will all be worth it when i can finally hold our baby.

i am 8 days past ovulation. again. another day of another cycle in another year.
i feel.....emotional. i feel pretty symptomless....and i guess this makes me happy because i felt the same way with the last 2 pregnancies. i had a little, tiny bit of cramping today but it could be anything. could be that i had to poop. could be my period. could be the progesterone. could be made up in my head.

i guess i only have a few more days of not knowing. thank goodness! as much as i hope i am pregnant again RIGHT THIS SECOND....i will feel relieved to just know one way or another.

i feel bad for my poor husband....i keep saying "be nice to me" and he is like "i am being nice to you!" and i feel so needy and sensitive. ah.....progesterone.....turns me back into a high school girlfriend.

i may go postal next week

oh hi.

nothing to report. like really....nothing. i feel normal. totally normal and boring. 5 days past ovulation. i have felt a little tired lately....but i refuse to call this a symptom at this point.

we did a lot of yard work today....it was sort of fun. kind of bonding for the husband and i. we never do stuff like this....like chores. we are both very...um.....lazy? and we like to do other things on the weekends (hence the mass amount of weeds we needed a saw to cut down today). we are one of those couple with different priorities than our parents. we let dishes sit in the sink overnight. we keep our dirty clothes in a pile on our floor.

i know, i know. gross. disgusting. embarrassing. we should be ashamed! but we aren't. we do, however, have A LOT of fun together in our filth. i promised him i would never give him a "honey-do" list....and we have probably worked on the yard twice in 3 years.


in other news.....i got a bill today from my lab work.....for $755.

blink


blink blink



AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!



this is after insurance. my "awesome" insurance that we pay an ARM and freaking LEG for each month only covered $177! how is my bill this high? for blood work? WHAT?!


i almost vomited all over the mail box. and not in that cool "oh, is this a symptom?" way. in the i want to break into the insurance office with a machete way.

and just think....i haven't even started my progesterone yet!!!! i start on monday....the day i will call and GO CRAZY on the phone. i am going to use this progesterone induced hormonal rage to a good use.

3 dpo

today i am 3 days past ovulation and feeling good. of course if i feel something... i pause....think "could this be a symptom?" ponder. then shake my head and laugh at myself because it is WAY to early to have symptoms. i did have the same lil bubbly spasms last night like i had last month around 1-2 dpo and then again around 6-7 dpo. i guess this could just be a common post O feeling....i know i have had it on non pregnant cycles. i felt queezy yesterday....but CMON....i was 2 dpo! so NOT a symptom at this point.


i have a lot of friends with babies. most of them i like enough....but don't really want to touch them. does that sound bad? i guess i generally am picky about other's people's babies. i love babies and love to stare and smile at them.....but i find it hard to connect with babies that are not my own. i also have found it difficult to even want to be around babies since i had the miscarriages. i know this is silly and selfish. but....most of the time it hurts too much.

however, my friend Sarah had a baby last August 4th and i loved her from the moment i saw her (i was at the hospital when she was born). She is such a magical baby with the sweetest soul. I feel connected to her in a way that i rarely do with babies. anyway.....i got to take some portraits of her yesterday for her first birthday and i had so much fun. i want to eat her up!

the day

my original due date was tomorrow. i have been waiting for this day to pass for 9 months. it has been a mark in the back of my mind.....originally i wanted to be pregnant by now....and i was, but that didn't work out either. i feel better than i thought i would. it is still hard and i still have a lot of emotions about it....but at least i have hope that it will happen again soon. i am just trying to take this one hurdle at a time....worry about having sex on the right days. then worry about getting a positive test. then worry about whether or not it will implant correctly and stay. then worry about if there is a heartbeat. and if all those actually happen.....then what? i have not let my mind go to that place. that was the place i went to immediately in November. that was the place it took me months to recover from leaving.


i wrote this in May....thought i would share it here...


sacks of stones
collection of feathers
how he used to trace each line
remembering a time
when skin tickled to touch

we think in seasons and
speak in storms.
there is a day in august
i can't wait to pass.
just a number. a square. a box on a grid.
a date someone selected and took away
retracted. nevermind.
i give it too much meaning
i do that a lot

stacks of stacks of paper
quiet words once.
scratched to scribbles
erase and replace.
shoved further and further beneath the bed.
where all things go forgotten.



i wrote this in February in one of my darkest moments:


there is a place for you here
little one
if i knew who to beg to, i would.
i would beg
with open arms and muddy knees
under the fullest moon
for you
to come back.




and now here we are. months have passed. mother's have given birth to babies. i am a year older and my statistics changed with this new age. life has gone on. even i have moved on. i have felt extreme anger and despair. i have struggled to put myself back together. and when i did finally feel better, life gave me another blow. another one taken away. i went from being a spiritual agnostic who believed in all sorts of magic and miracles to an atheist who believes in little. i feel more sceptical of everything. i have to be to protect myself. i can't be let down again. so...i am now an extremely cautious optimist. i feel good. i feel healthy. i feel like i have healed in many ways. i feel lucky to have my husband and daughter. i feel excited for the future and the potential of our family growing. i still daydream constantly about the baby that will be in my arms one day.

August

"High"? that is it? high? it was "high" last month* with one measly dot! this month should say "EXTREMELY HIGH" or "winner!" or "good god, you must be sore" or at least "highest".

(*update: i just went back and checked....last month's score was not "high" it was "good". i still think this month it should say "oh hell yes")

i guess it doesn't really matter how much you do it.....it only matters if one lil guy makes it to the prize.

i got a positive ovulation test yesterday, and i am pretty sure i ovulated yesterday (the tests say you ovulate within 12-48 hours after a positive....i am going with the 12 because of my other fertile signs....and i felt some ovulation pains yesterday)


i will probably test Aug 15th.....so that would be 12 dpo. i know i said i was not going to do that.
we will see how i feel.....maybe i will want to wait by then....i guess it depends on if i am feeling symptoms or not.

and if it doesn't happen this month.....we will move on to the next. i am setting my hopes low and told my husband as long as i am pregnant by Christmas. that gives us 4-5 months to make it happen.

dreams

i had this wonderful dream last night.....that i took a pregnancy test and it was positive. i was so happy and excited and confident. and then i woke up. i sleepily mumbled to my husband "i just had the best dream....that i got a positive pregnancy test" and he laughed and kissed me. i wanted to go back to that feeling so bad. that dreamy place of joy and warmth and hope. i wanted to feel that confidence that everything will be ok.....

last month i had a dream that i woke up and was bleeding. i was pissed that my period had come. when i woke up i was relieved that it had not happened. i have thought a lot about this dream. because it was exactly what happened the morning of this last miscarriage. was my dream a warning? was this dream trying to prepare me? was this intuition? was this a prediction? was this just my subconscious fear manifesting itself in a dream? was this just coincidence?

i don't know. i am sure it was just random.....i was worried about getting my period.....i had a dream....and i happened to miscarry a week or so later.....

nothing weird about that.

except i have dreams like this all the time. dreams of things that end up happening.

but i also have dreams of giving birth. getting a positive pregnancy test and feeling calm and hopeful. holding a chubby brown haired baby boy with the longest lashes and perfect dimpled hands. these have not happened. not yet.


i think i had a positive opk today. i am not 100% sure. it was darker than they have been....but i had been taking them wrong. oh well. all we can do is hope. and dream. and fuck like crazy.

what a waste of $18.99

ovulation prediction tests make me want to scream and rip my hair out. they are not even worth the urine i soak them with.

i have had 3 days of negative tests. this would not be a big deal if this didn't contradict everything fertile my body is telling me. do i listen to the tests or my body?

i am going to continue to test until i either A) get a positive test or B) my body stops acting fertile.

i will also continue to wear sexy dresses and go "commando".