Wednesday, August 19, 2009

month after month after month

if we are successful this month we would be due in May. my favorite month. I was born May 9th. my Husband was born May 8th. Mother's day is in May. My bff's birthday is May 27th.
Spring in Seattle starts in May. this is the month we all come out of hiding after months and months of gloom. the pacific northwest is a depressing, soggy place from October to April. Everyone is happier in May. The birds start singing again. We open all the windows for fresh air.

With that said.....i would love a May baby. but i am not expecting it. expectations are a tricky mine field to navigate through.

i really want to get to a place where i don't live 9 months in the future. i know this is not possible. but it would be so nice. i would love to not know how old my dream baby will be at his first Christmas as each month comes and goes. 7 months old if it happens this month. 6 months old if next month works. i do this every month. picture the seasons of next year. picture them all with a baby in different appropriate outfits. bundled in winter. naked in summer. newborn in spring.

if only i could give my self a frontal lobe lobotomy. i wonder if shock therapy would work.

i have been going back and forth about calling Seattle Reproductive Medicine.

on one hand i feel like i should be doing everything i can with doctors who specialize in this sort of thing. but on the other, i am already seeing a doc who i trust and has tested me for basic stuff and seems to be proactive and confident that all i need is some progesterone and i will get pregnant again and it will stick.

i know my husband would prefer i did nothing. he is confident it will happen. not at all worried or stressed.

i just keep reminding myself.....when we started trying last took us 4 cycles.....4. of really trying. so i should give myself at least 3 more months before i get worried. but i just hate this feeling.....this race against time anxiety i get.

so i guess if nothing happens by......november......i will go to the fertility clinic and have more tests done.

for now i just twiddle my thumbs.


  1. If I count the day this whole freaking crappy thing started happening, the 17th is CD1 for me too.

    Not that we'll be trying this month. I don't think. I don't know. WHY IS THIS SO HARD!

    May is a fabulous month, though. My daughter was born May 4th.

    May babies all around! Are you still going for a boy?

  2. hi amanda! you have been in my thoughts. i hope you are ok.

    i is hard. some days are harder than others. i can tell you that the only thing that makes any of it feel better is time. time and the hope that someday soon....a pregnancy will actually turn into a baby.

    still going to go for the boy. i am pretty sure we will take it easy this month....well, easier than last. think we over did it...jumped the gun too early.

    will you talk to a doc about going on progesterone? might be a good is supposed to help them "stick".....that is the theory anyway. :)