Tuesday, August 4, 2009

the day

my original due date was tomorrow. i have been waiting for this day to pass for 9 months. it has been a mark in the back of my mind.....originally i wanted to be pregnant by now....and i was, but that didn't work out either. i feel better than i thought i would. it is still hard and i still have a lot of emotions about it....but at least i have hope that it will happen again soon. i am just trying to take this one hurdle at a time....worry about having sex on the right days. then worry about getting a positive test. then worry about whether or not it will implant correctly and stay. then worry about if there is a heartbeat. and if all those actually happen.....then what? i have not let my mind go to that place. that was the place i went to immediately in November. that was the place it took me months to recover from leaving.

i wrote this in May....thought i would share it here...

sacks of stones
collection of feathers
how he used to trace each line
remembering a time
when skin tickled to touch

we think in seasons and
speak in storms.
there is a day in august
i can't wait to pass.
just a number. a square. a box on a grid.
a date someone selected and took away
retracted. nevermind.
i give it too much meaning
i do that a lot

stacks of stacks of paper
quiet words once.
scratched to scribbles
erase and replace.
shoved further and further beneath the bed.
where all things go forgotten.

i wrote this in February in one of my darkest moments:

there is a place for you here
little one
if i knew who to beg to, i would.
i would beg
with open arms and muddy knees
under the fullest moon
for you
to come back.

and now here we are. months have passed. mother's have given birth to babies. i am a year older and my statistics changed with this new age. life has gone on. even i have moved on. i have felt extreme anger and despair. i have struggled to put myself back together. and when i did finally feel better, life gave me another blow. another one taken away. i went from being a spiritual agnostic who believed in all sorts of magic and miracles to an atheist who believes in little. i feel more sceptical of everything. i have to be to protect myself. i can't be let down again. so...i am now an extremely cautious optimist. i feel good. i feel healthy. i feel like i have healed in many ways. i feel lucky to have my husband and daughter. i feel excited for the future and the potential of our family growing. i still daydream constantly about the baby that will be in my arms one day.

1 comment:

  1. hi!
    just wanted to say hello and let you know i'm thinking of you!
    i hope that things are well + look forward to chatting again!