as a distraction from thinking about baby stuff, i decided to watch the latest episode of the office on hulu tonight. i was looking for ways to turn off my brain...and ways to avoid trolling babycenter, fertitlity friend, and other baby sites that sometimes make me feel poopy and babyless.
i have not watched the office in a year. in the episode i just watched, it seems everyone's favorite adorable couple, pam and jim, are.......drum roll.......you guessed it! pregnant. there is this darling scene of them finding out and they are crying and hugging and so happy!
i want to jab something sharp in my eye.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
word for the day year: patience
because i like to have balance in my life....to feel level....to feel zen...to try to achieve a place of content......AND NOT a bipolar state.....this post is in response to my last post, which was a bit of a "downer". because for every bitch fest there should be a cuddle puddle. for every rant, a praise.
right?
(i don't know...i am making this up as i go)
so...my period has come and gone and i am feeling good. my adult acne seems to be clearing up (why do i still break out each month? i am 30! i thought it would stop! i guess this means my hormones are still working)
i accomplished some major tasks yesterday....like the bathtub (soft scrub is so great, really). i also cleaned out the guest room which was a dumping ground for boxes, stuff for Good Will, an extra sofa (seriously, it took up the entire room...if and when we ever have a guest, they would not be able to enter the room, let alone stay comfortably), old luggage, toys that have taken away (we call this "jail" for these lost and forgotten toys)....so it was a big task. the project of all projects. and success! and it feels great!
my daughter and i had a lovely evening last night. she can be so fun and hilarious. i am looking forward to this summer when she will be home all day and we can do fun things like go to the beach or the zoo. i also want to take a knitting class with her.....i just accidently wrote "knotting" which is probably more appropriate.
other good things: i am going to Martha's Vinyard in August which will be amazing. I am also driving to Montana next month to visit a friend and i am really excited. I am not going to LA next week.....so who knows if that means we might be "in" this month. i guess it all boils down to timing. and sex. timing+sex= maybe babeh
and because i try to keep a level of raw honesty...i would like to share a "chat" from yesterday to show.....just how crazy i am. just how bitchy and spazzy a woman, wanting a child, can be.
example A: i had just told him he needs to drop off the dog at the vet on thursday. he has a problem with getting her fixed and this is the second attempt...i had to cancel the last appointment because he did not feel ready.
please click on to enlarge
as you see here, i go from silly and joking....to crazy in seconds. i tap into a dark, horrible place so quickly.
(the talk at the fire he refers to was from this weekend...we went camping with friends and started talking about how they don't want children...and that was it)
my point of sharing this :
i need to get a hold of myself! i love my husband and i need to accept this stage. i need to have patience!! i need to love him even if he doesn't want to make babies right this second. why is that so difficult for me to grasp every month? of course my marriage is more important. of course he will want to try again. but, women with baby on the brain, lose it. i mean, i have months before i run out of eggs!
good news: this is a stage. sure, i am baby crazy and that part won't change....but this stage of obsessing, of wanting and longing.....will not last forever. i know it won't. i know we will get pregnant again at some point.
bad news: this stage fucking sucks.
right?
(i don't know...i am making this up as i go)
so...my period has come and gone and i am feeling good. my adult acne seems to be clearing up (why do i still break out each month? i am 30! i thought it would stop! i guess this means my hormones are still working)
i accomplished some major tasks yesterday....like the bathtub (soft scrub is so great, really). i also cleaned out the guest room which was a dumping ground for boxes, stuff for Good Will, an extra sofa (seriously, it took up the entire room...if and when we ever have a guest, they would not be able to enter the room, let alone stay comfortably), old luggage, toys that have taken away (we call this "jail" for these lost and forgotten toys)....so it was a big task. the project of all projects. and success! and it feels great!
my daughter and i had a lovely evening last night. she can be so fun and hilarious. i am looking forward to this summer when she will be home all day and we can do fun things like go to the beach or the zoo. i also want to take a knitting class with her.....i just accidently wrote "knotting" which is probably more appropriate.
other good things: i am going to Martha's Vinyard in August which will be amazing. I am also driving to Montana next month to visit a friend and i am really excited. I am not going to LA next week.....so who knows if that means we might be "in" this month. i guess it all boils down to timing. and sex. timing+sex= maybe babeh
and because i try to keep a level of raw honesty...i would like to share a "chat" from yesterday to show.....just how crazy i am. just how bitchy and spazzy a woman, wanting a child, can be.
example A: i had just told him he needs to drop off the dog at the vet on thursday. he has a problem with getting her fixed and this is the second attempt...i had to cancel the last appointment because he did not feel ready.
please click on to enlarge
as you see here, i go from silly and joking....to crazy in seconds. i tap into a dark, horrible place so quickly.
(the talk at the fire he refers to was from this weekend...we went camping with friends and started talking about how they don't want children...and that was it)
my point of sharing this :
i need to get a hold of myself! i love my husband and i need to accept this stage. i need to have patience!! i need to love him even if he doesn't want to make babies right this second. why is that so difficult for me to grasp every month? of course my marriage is more important. of course he will want to try again. but, women with baby on the brain, lose it. i mean, i have months before i run out of eggs!
good news: this is a stage. sure, i am baby crazy and that part won't change....but this stage of obsessing, of wanting and longing.....will not last forever. i know it won't. i know we will get pregnant again at some point.
bad news: this stage fucking sucks.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
a new focus
i am really trying to be grateful for all i have. it is hard to not focus on this one missing thing....but i am going to try. it is just too exhausting to feel emptiness every time i see a cute couple with a toddler on the dad's shoulders. or tiny infants in front slings. or big round pregnant bellies.
i am going to stop thinking about what my body would look like right now if i hadn't had the miscarriage. i am going to stop hoping to replace my lost pregnancy. i am going to try to picture myself this time next year...without a baby and without being pregnant.
i fall too hard each month. the crash of disappointment is too devastating.
i am tired of feeling wounded. i am tired of feeling incomplete.
this process is supposed to be joyous. it is supposed to be magical. it is supposed to feel like a partnership with the one you love. a gift you give to each other. a hope, shared.
i will not feel alone in this process anymore. i already had a baby alone. this was supposed to be different. we are supposed to want this. both of us. together.
i asked my husband this weekend...."so when do think you will be ready to start trying? July? September? October? June?" and he gave no response. he avoided and laughed. i am sure that meant he didn't want to fight. he didn't want to see my face....didn't want to crush me any more. so he said nothing and hopes that will make it better.
and i allowed it. because, honestly, i don't think i could take it, because i know the answer isn't good.
and i wish i didn't find this so unfair. i wish i could understand his reasons. i wish it wasn't this huge wedge between us. i wish, oh how i wish, i could turn off this want/need/dream to have a baby. i really wish i could. damn you stupid mothering instinct! damn you biological clock!!
but i do find it unfair. and i find it cruel. i blame him for a lot of my pain.
how awful! to blame the one you love for such things. how did i lose hold of everything else?
how did this fantasy baby take over? how did i become this person?
so.....yes.....i am going to refocus. i am going to be grateful for what i DO have, not on the baby i don't.
and if that doesn't work.....???
i am going to stop thinking about what my body would look like right now if i hadn't had the miscarriage. i am going to stop hoping to replace my lost pregnancy. i am going to try to picture myself this time next year...without a baby and without being pregnant.
i fall too hard each month. the crash of disappointment is too devastating.
i am tired of feeling wounded. i am tired of feeling incomplete.
this process is supposed to be joyous. it is supposed to be magical. it is supposed to feel like a partnership with the one you love. a gift you give to each other. a hope, shared.
i will not feel alone in this process anymore. i already had a baby alone. this was supposed to be different. we are supposed to want this. both of us. together.
i asked my husband this weekend...."so when do think you will be ready to start trying? July? September? October? June?" and he gave no response. he avoided and laughed. i am sure that meant he didn't want to fight. he didn't want to see my face....didn't want to crush me any more. so he said nothing and hopes that will make it better.
and i allowed it. because, honestly, i don't think i could take it, because i know the answer isn't good.
and i wish i didn't find this so unfair. i wish i could understand his reasons. i wish it wasn't this huge wedge between us. i wish, oh how i wish, i could turn off this want/need/dream to have a baby. i really wish i could. damn you stupid mothering instinct! damn you biological clock!!
but i do find it unfair. and i find it cruel. i blame him for a lot of my pain.
how awful! to blame the one you love for such things. how did i lose hold of everything else?
how did this fantasy baby take over? how did i become this person?
so.....yes.....i am going to refocus. i am going to be grateful for what i DO have, not on the baby i don't.
and if that doesn't work.....???
Friday, May 22, 2009
period.
period came. and i have a sinus thing going on. so basically, i feel like complete shit.
on the bright side, um.....*thinking thinking thinking*......oh! it is memorial day weekend,the sun is shining, and i have a full bottle of vanilla vodka.
who knows when all this will happen. i hate this part of each month. these are the dark days. in cycle lingo...days 1-15, SUCK pretty much. and then, if i feel there has been a potential good timed, um, shall we say session?, then days 16-28 (sometimes to 30) are kind of long but filled with hope and excitement. the daydreaming days. the days i feel so happy and in love with my husband. and then crash. back to cycle day ONE, also know as the cycle day that crushes my hopes and dreams. cycle day one, the day i feel resentment for my husband for not wanting to actually TRY to make this happen for real.
fuck you, cycle day one. i hate you.
i might be going to LA in June.....perfectly times around when i ovulate. so June will be a no go. who knows how my husband will feel by July.....maybe he will feel better by then and want to give it a real go....but i won't be holding my breath.
also, while i am ranting, it is so strange to have friends that started trying the same time you did.....and got pregnant.....and you watch their entire pregnancy, from announcing it, to the first ultrasound, to finding out it is a boy, to getting huge and awkward to giving birth yesterday to a healthy baby......and i am still here....still wanting and still hoping. and they went through the entire process already! they went through the finish gates and i am still at the starting line just stomping my feet.
on the bright side, um.....*thinking thinking thinking*......oh! it is memorial day weekend,the sun is shining, and i have a full bottle of vanilla vodka.
who knows when all this will happen. i hate this part of each month. these are the dark days. in cycle lingo...days 1-15, SUCK pretty much. and then, if i feel there has been a potential good timed, um, shall we say session?, then days 16-28 (sometimes to 30) are kind of long but filled with hope and excitement. the daydreaming days. the days i feel so happy and in love with my husband. and then crash. back to cycle day ONE, also know as the cycle day that crushes my hopes and dreams. cycle day one, the day i feel resentment for my husband for not wanting to actually TRY to make this happen for real.
fuck you, cycle day one. i hate you.
i might be going to LA in June.....perfectly times around when i ovulate. so June will be a no go. who knows how my husband will feel by July.....maybe he will feel better by then and want to give it a real go....but i won't be holding my breath.
also, while i am ranting, it is so strange to have friends that started trying the same time you did.....and got pregnant.....and you watch their entire pregnancy, from announcing it, to the first ultrasound, to finding out it is a boy, to getting huge and awkward to giving birth yesterday to a healthy baby......and i am still here....still wanting and still hoping. and they went through the entire process already! they went through the finish gates and i am still at the starting line just stomping my feet.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
grrrrrrr
nothing takes the wind out of your sails like a negative pregnancy test.
i know it could be too early. i am 11 days past ovulation. i also know it is most likely not happening this month. i feel the odds are against me.
it is funny how i have had some real promising "symptoms" the last couple days.....but pms can be so similar to early pregnancy symptoms.
for example....when i was pregnant in November....i drove by some protesters...holding signs that said things like "stop war" and "peace" and "bring our troops home".....and all these people waving and giving the peace sign. it made me cry. i was totally crying thinking about peace.
which brings me to today....driving....a tupac (2pac?) song comes on the radio.....the one he wrote to his "momma" about how he appreciates her for raising him in the hood on welfare. and it made me get all teary. the kind of weepy that only makes sense if you are pregnant. but.....perhaps i was just a lil emotional about a neg test....or it could be pms.....but pms normally just makes me a raging bitch.
to make me feel better after the failed test...i got a latte and an almond croissant. take that hopeful pregnancy. i will not deprive myself of a latte for stupid hopes and dreams anymore!!
excuse me while i go wallow around and mope.
i know it could be too early. i am 11 days past ovulation. i also know it is most likely not happening this month. i feel the odds are against me.
it is funny how i have had some real promising "symptoms" the last couple days.....but pms can be so similar to early pregnancy symptoms.
for example....when i was pregnant in November....i drove by some protesters...holding signs that said things like "stop war" and "peace" and "bring our troops home".....and all these people waving and giving the peace sign. it made me cry. i was totally crying thinking about peace.
which brings me to today....driving....a tupac (2pac?) song comes on the radio.....the one he wrote to his "momma" about how he appreciates her for raising him in the hood on welfare. and it made me get all teary. the kind of weepy that only makes sense if you are pregnant. but.....perhaps i was just a lil emotional about a neg test....or it could be pms.....but pms normally just makes me a raging bitch.
to make me feel better after the failed test...i got a latte and an almond croissant. take that hopeful pregnancy. i will not deprive myself of a latte for stupid hopes and dreams anymore!!
excuse me while i go wallow around and mope.
Monday, May 18, 2009
blame cake
9 days past ovulation.
i think i am a little crampy today...but it also may be from the cake i had for lunch.
and i seem really hungry, but that may be because i ran 5 miles yesterday and well, because i like eating and constantly look for an excuse to do so.
i kind of have a stomach ache that could almost be interpreted as heartburn, but again, that is probably from the cake.
tomorrow i will not eat cake to possibly establish clearer symptoms.
i think i am a little crampy today...but it also may be from the cake i had for lunch.
and i seem really hungry, but that may be because i ran 5 miles yesterday and well, because i like eating and constantly look for an excuse to do so.
i kind of have a stomach ache that could almost be interpreted as heartburn, but again, that is probably from the cake.
tomorrow i will not eat cake to possibly establish clearer symptoms.
i heart FF
sometimes i really love fertility friend......and other times.....i feel like she is teasing me.....stringing me along.....hiding things.....sometimes i swear fertility friend is trying to make me go completely nuts.....like the equivalent to slipping me some acid, twirling me around, dropping me off in the jungle and covering me with honey.
when i was using my temperature to chart.....FF would randomly add things and change things around. one minute she would say "everything looks GREAT and so promising" and the next take away the cross hairs and say "your chances are not good.....not good at all".
then why use fertility friend? because of times like this:
info tidbit!!! this particular "info tidbit" gives me such hope today....just when i needed it. it is almost like FF could sense my slipping faith.....and gave me a shout out. FF really is the Oracle with all the answers.
when i was using my temperature to chart.....FF would randomly add things and change things around. one minute she would say "everything looks GREAT and so promising" and the next take away the cross hairs and say "your chances are not good.....not good at all".
then why use fertility friend? because of times like this:
info tidbit!!! this particular "info tidbit" gives me such hope today....just when i needed it. it is almost like FF could sense my slipping faith.....and gave me a shout out. FF really is the Oracle with all the answers.
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