Tuesday, May 26, 2009

a new focus

i am really trying to be grateful for all i have. it is hard to not focus on this one missing thing....but i am going to try. it is just too exhausting to feel emptiness every time i see a cute couple with a toddler on the dad's shoulders. or tiny infants in front slings. or big round pregnant bellies.

i am going to stop thinking about what my body would look like right now if i hadn't had the miscarriage. i am going to stop hoping to replace my lost pregnancy. i am going to try to picture myself this time next year...without a baby and without being pregnant.

i fall too hard each month. the crash of disappointment is too devastating.

i am tired of feeling wounded. i am tired of feeling incomplete.

this process is supposed to be joyous. it is supposed to be magical. it is supposed to feel like a partnership with the one you love. a gift you give to each other. a hope, shared.

i will not feel alone in this process anymore. i already had a baby alone. this was supposed to be different. we are supposed to want this. both of us. together.

i asked my husband this weekend...."so when do think you will be ready to start trying? July? September? October? June?" and he gave no response. he avoided and laughed. i am sure that meant he didn't want to fight. he didn't want to see my face....didn't want to crush me any more. so he said nothing and hopes that will make it better.

and i allowed it. because, honestly, i don't think i could take it, because i know the answer isn't good.

and i wish i didn't find this so unfair. i wish i could understand his reasons. i wish it wasn't this huge wedge between us. i wish, oh how i wish, i could turn off this want/need/dream to have a baby. i really wish i could. damn you stupid mothering instinct! damn you biological clock!!

but i do find it unfair. and i find it cruel. i blame him for a lot of my pain.

how awful! to blame the one you love for such things. how did i lose hold of everything else?
how did this fantasy baby take over? how did i become this person?

so.....yes.....i am going to refocus. i am going to be grateful for what i DO have, not on the baby i don't.

and if that doesn't work.....???

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