because i like to have balance in my life....to feel level....to feel zen...to try to achieve a place of content......AND NOT a bipolar state.....this post is in response to my last post, which was a bit of a "downer". because for every bitch fest there should be a cuddle puddle. for every rant, a praise.
(i don't know...i am making this up as i go)
so...my period has come and gone and i am feeling good. my adult acne seems to be clearing up (why do i still break out each month? i am 30! i thought it would stop! i guess this means my hormones are still working)
i accomplished some major tasks yesterday....like the bathtub (soft scrub is so great, really). i also cleaned out the guest room which was a dumping ground for boxes, stuff for Good Will, an extra sofa (seriously, it took up the entire room...if and when we ever have a guest, they would not be able to enter the room, let alone stay comfortably), old luggage, toys that have taken away (we call this "jail" for these lost and forgotten toys)....so it was a big task. the project of all projects. and success! and it feels great!
my daughter and i had a lovely evening last night. she can be so fun and hilarious. i am looking forward to this summer when she will be home all day and we can do fun things like go to the beach or the zoo. i also want to take a knitting class with her.....i just accidently wrote "knotting" which is probably more appropriate.
other good things: i am going to Martha's Vinyard in August which will be amazing. I am also driving to Montana next month to visit a friend and i am really excited. I am not going to LA next week.....so who knows if that means we might be "in" this month. i guess it all boils down to timing. and sex. timing+sex= maybe babeh
and because i try to keep a level of raw honesty...i would like to share a "chat" from yesterday to show.....just how crazy i am. just how bitchy and spazzy a woman, wanting a child, can be.
example A: i had just told him he needs to drop off the dog at the vet on thursday. he has a problem with getting her fixed and this is the second attempt...i had to cancel the last appointment because he did not feel ready.
please click on to enlarge
as you see here, i go from silly and joking....to crazy in seconds. i tap into a dark, horrible place so quickly.
(the talk at the fire he refers to was from this weekend...we went camping with friends and started talking about how they don't want children...and that was it)
my point of sharing this :
i need to get a hold of myself! i love my husband and i need to accept this stage. i need to have patience!! i need to love him even if he doesn't want to make babies right this second. why is that so difficult for me to grasp every month? of course my marriage is more important. of course he will want to try again. but, women with baby on the brain, lose it. i mean, i have months before i run out of eggs!
good news: this is a stage. sure, i am baby crazy and that part won't change....but this stage of obsessing, of wanting and longing.....will not last forever. i know it won't. i know we will get pregnant again at some point.
bad news: this stage fucking sucks.