the therapeutic road trip

i went on a road trip with my daughter and my dog this past weekend and it was freaking fantastic. we went to montana, saw lots of deer and tiny spotted fawns, horses, a fox.....i drank lots of tequila with a good friend and went on beautiful hikes to waterfalls. we dipped in the river, we got eaten by mosquito's, we ate the sweetest montana strawberries.

I missed my husband and it was nice to come home to him. i thought a lot about this whole baby making thing (of course, when do i NOT think about it?) on the trip and i think i actually figured some stuff out. i feel like i have resolved some of my issues.....mellowed slightly on the obsession. it was like i went to rehab. i feel grounded and clean. if we get pregnant soon, that would be great. but i feel free from the obsession of it. at least i do right now. i am actually aware of all the things i should appreciate about this stage of my life and this stage of our marriage. we can go on romantic trips together. we go out to dinner all the time. we sleep really well. we can go camping. we might go to paris soon. we stay up late and watch movies and snuggle on the couch. he is my focus. my daughter is 6 1/2 and will be in first grade. she is independent and easy. she can make herself a bowl of cereal and work the dvd player on sunday mornings so we can sleep in. these are things i should appreciate. having an infant is amazing and incredible....but it also sucks and takes a ton of work. that is fact. and i know my relationship with my husband will take a backseat for a time after we have a baby. although i am ready for it, i also should enjoy my life without it right now. and i do. i really enjoy my life when i stop obsessing about getting pregnant every single month.

with all that said......i am probably ovulating in the next day or so. i know this because my body is really good at announcing it. so.....if it happens, it happens....but i VOW, right here and now on this blog....that i will NOT obsess and i will not attack my husband tonight. i mean i probably will, but not in that crazy "WE MUST MAKE BABY NOW" way.

ghost in the guest room

hopefully this will not seem like another sad blog.

i made a big step today. i went into the adorable little baby boutique in my neighborhood where i bought a tiny outfit and fluffy coat for the baby before the miscarriage. i had it gift wrapped for my husband for christmas. it has been in the closet of the guest room since december. i have not had the courage to even go in the store until now. and i actually had the ability to talk to the store owner about returning it for a store credit (their policy is 'no returns or exchanges after 30 days'). i explained what happened and i didn't even cry! well....not until i was safely in the car....and i just got teary....not full on weeping. i needed to do this. i need to let it go. i need to move forward. i need to get rid of the ghost in the guest room. it really does haunt me. for awhile i thought i should hold onto it...because of course i will get pregnant again and of course i will still want it. but, i realized that i don't want it. it is tied to pain. to heartbreak. it is tied to that baby that will never be. even when i get pregnant and finally have another child....will i want to dress it in this outfit i bought for a different baby? i realised it will always represent heartbreak. it will always make me sad. so it felt great to finally take a step to moving on. thinking about letting it go and eventually i can go back and buy a new outfit....when i am pregnant again....with a healthy baby.....and it will only be happy and hopeful and full of joy.

anyway. it felt like a step in the right direction.


my period is over. yay! onto a new month!

i am going out of town this week.....a road trip with my beautiful daughter. i am very excited to hit the road and clear my head and heart. have an adventure with my girl and my pup. let go of some stuff. wind in my hair. radio turned up.

i am pretty sure i will ovulate right after i get home.....so hopefully there will be some "i missed you" baby making that happens next week.

dood.

i am a little hungover.

i had a healthy dose of vodka last night and now i have the headache to prove it.

i guess i slept in my makeup which always makes me feel so icky the next day, albeit ready to go as soon as i get out of bed.....but i look very walk of shame-ish.....very slutty sorority-girl-ish.

so yeah, period showed up last night.

i feel mostly fine about it. bummed, sure. but not the devastated wreck that i have been in previous months. i pretty much know how to deal with it now.....and i mean with a solid dose of vodka.

i am sure there are healthier ways of dealing....like maybe next month when i am eating a raw diet i will take a shot of wheatgrass and plant a tree and do some yoga to deal with the extreme disappointment of yet another month of no pregnancy......but i doubt it will feel as awesome as the total drunk numbness from last night and the clouded headache of today.

anyway, onward to July!

looks like ovulation will be around the Fourth of July......so, ah hem, hubs and i will be making our OWN fireworks.....nudge nudge. wink wink.

i might still be drunk.

potstickers

after all that talk about a healthy, raw diet......i had potstickers for lunch. not just any potstickers......potstickers found in the freezer from many, many months ago.


note: i think i bought these potstickers last november
other note: when i bought them, i was barely pregnant and craving things like fried rice and soy sauce.
final note: this is the first time since last december that a potsticker has sounded at all edible.

just sayin.






and yes i have that fear that tomorrow i will get my period and have to explain why i have been eating like a crazy person. i suppose i can blame pms, like always. but i really think it could be something more...like i convince myself so thoroughly that i actually get certain symptoms and cravings. also, i had a salted caramel cupcake yesterday from cupcake royale and almost died it was so delicious. DIED. i am seriously thinking about going back and getting more, more, MORE!!

this is also what happens when i even think about dieting. i will self destruct in 10, 9, 8......

raw?

so of course i tested! and of course it was negative. doh!

i am still feeling good though. if it really was implantation spotting it would take a couple days for the hormones to show up.....and if it was just my period saying "oh hiiiiiey!" then i feel fine about moving on to next month.

i have been seriously thinking about making a huge diet/lifestyle change.....i am thinking about going RAW. i have wanted to do this for awhile and now that i officially eat like a pregnant person and apparently have a belly like one.....yet i am NOT.....i think i should make some changes.

so raw basically means i wouldn't eat anything that has been cooked or processed. this would mean cutting out everything i love...like alcohol, sugar, coffee, meat.....

it would be a lot of work and a total challenge and i would bitch and moan and cry everyday.....sounds like fun!

goodbye cupcakes, beer and burgers!

hello sproated grain, avocados and veggies!

so....if AF shows up, i will start raw diet. if not, i will continue to stuff my face with comfort food.


p.s. i would like to take this moment to thank food for comforting me over the last 6 months. thank you, delicious comfort food. it's not you, it's me. i just need to fit in my pants now.

???

to test, or not to test. that is the question.

had a little weird spotting today at 11 dpo. could just be "the period" on the way.
or it could be implantation spotting like i had last time at 10 dpo. (please please please please please pleeeeeeeeease)

so.....wait it out? test? hmmm....

bahahaha

fair.

9 days past ovulation. cycle day 24. again. here i am. another month. as i approach the one year mark of "trying" i get more and more.....bored? negative? disenchanted? realistic? numb?

i feel normal. i made brownies yesterday and ate 5....which is a pretty good barometer for my period. (the brownies are my famous 'PMS' brownies...and i bake them monthly).

so...period should be here thursday or friday. if for some miraculous reason i hit saturday without any sign of 'her'.....i will take a test. but not before then!!! no way. no how.


now it is time for a vent:

we went to a bbq on friday and there was a woman there who i overheard saying she couldn't smoke pot or drink because she was pregnant. but she was smoking a cigarette. which grossed me out and pissed me off. i asked when she was due and she said november....and then told me about how EASY it was for them to get pregnant....it was their FIRST month trying!

i grit my teeth and smiled and said congratulations. she was severely overweight and smoking a cigarette.

i know there is no rhyme or reason to this. i know this has nothing to do with "fair". i know i should not be judgmental about a huge, nasty, unhealthy woman who happened to get pregnant easily. but i am judgmental and i did think it was unfair! (at least for a moment). and if i believed in god i would yell at him/her. i would yell so loud and i would say awful things. but most of all i would say "STOP RUBBING IT IN MY FACE, YOU ASSHOLE"

but i don't believe in god. and i just desperately want someone to blame. something to plead to. someone to yell at....because i can't yell at myself anymore. and i can't blame my husband anymore. and really, what i NEED TO HOLD ONTO is it isn't about finding a reason and finding who to blame. that is just silly. this is life. it is biology. it is science. it is sperm and an egg and timing. and it happens or it doesn't. it doesn't matter if you smoke, drink, smoke meth, eat vegan, drink tea, stand on your head or turn around five times under the new moon. if it happens, it will be because my body is doing what it is supposed to do and because my husband and i had sex around ovulation. it has nothing to do with fair.

i should probably go running

today, in dressing room with my mom:

mom: "your tummy looks bigger...you sure you aren't pregnant?"

me: (irritated) "no, mom....jeez!"

mom: (patting my chub) "it looks bigger..."

me: "mom! it is because i had three chocolate chip cookies for breakfast!!"

sunburned

just got back from a little vacation to Venice Beach. it was lovely and i am totally sunburned.

i sat by the pool and read this:


















and i loved it.

i laughed really hard....and i cried into my sunglasses. she writes so candidly and honestly about battling postpartum depression. she is so hilarious and genuinely real. if you have ever battled with depression, this book will make so much sense. she describes that world perfectly...in all it's painful, tragic and haunting moments. and she does a fantastic job of describing the utter madness mixed with heart exploding LOVE of having an infant.

if you haven't already, check out her blog, dooce.com




so....i am almost 4 dpo (it is almost tomorrow)


so far, nadda on the "symptoms"....imagine that with my whopping percentage (see last post) for this month? weird.

fun with numbers!

i recently read that i have a 17% chance of getting pregnant each month. that is the number for women ages 30-35. seventeen percent. and i assume, but i may be wrong, that number is if you are actually trying....as in having the appropriate amount of well timed "sessions" on the days leading up to and during ovulation. so let's say, for fun, that any given month, again assuming all the gears are working correctly and you do in fact ovulate, let's just say you have 3 days out of the month where you can get pregnant. so 2 days before, and the day of, ovulation. 3 days. and let's say you have sex those three days to give you this whopping 17 % chance of success. that would work out to 5.5 % a day.
give or take.

so....i think i have around a 5 % chance this month. according to my wonky math. also according to this math, i had a 10% chance last month.

i wonder what else i have a 5% chance at this month. lightning? do i have a 5 % chance of finding a $20 bill on the ground? how about a 5 % chance of breaking a bone. or a 5% chance i will run into an old friend on the street. a 5 % chance i will find a message in a bottle. a 5% chance i will be the 10th caller and win! a 5% chance i will get run over by a taxi while i am in LA this weekend.

so a 5 % chance this dream will come true...

i am not holding my breath....but at least it is more than 0%

in the stars

ok. feeling good (as in less emotional and disappointed than i was last week). hopefully later this week the stars will align and we will GET IT ON perfectly timed with ovulation....but if that doesn't happen, i won't be too upset. i actually need the break...from counting days...noting symptoms, crossing fingers. i think if it doesn't happen, if it isn't even a slight possibility, i will feel much better. at least for this month. at least in theory.

it is funny how i used to have all these rules about when i wanted to get pregnant....like i didn't want to be due in August because i would be miserable and hot and hugely pregnant. or i didn't want to be due in December because of the holiday mess. and i didn't want a February baby because I already have one and it would be good to space out the birthdays (and it kind of sucks to have birthday parties in the winter). Ideally i always thought i would like to have a Spring Baby. or a Fall baby. i like the idea of being in my second trimester in the summer to show off the cute belly.....or to have a Spring baby because then I would have the summer right around the corner to encourage me to get pre-baby body back and enjoy the warmth with a wee one....instead of having a Fall baby and having to bundle them in multiple layers for the first 8 months of their life. I also always thought to myself "i don't want a Scorpio baby....i never get along with Scorpios"..... (um....yeah.....i know)

see.....i used to think about this a lot. and now....well now i don't care when. i DON'T give a shit what time of year, what season, where the moon is, what astrological sign it would be.....i just want it to happen. I now find myself thinking each month would be the PERFECT month to either A) conceive or B) deliver. (and when i catch myself remembering the crazy Pisces i dated that was a total whackjob loser, i push it way back in my brain and try to focus on reality and that astrology means very little...and that i have also dated losers of "signs" i "like"......)

am i nuts? have i come unglued?