Monday, June 22, 2009

ghost in the guest room

hopefully this will not seem like another sad blog.

i made a big step today. i went into the adorable little baby boutique in my neighborhood where i bought a tiny outfit and fluffy coat for the baby before the miscarriage. i had it gift wrapped for my husband for christmas. it has been in the closet of the guest room since december. i have not had the courage to even go in the store until now. and i actually had the ability to talk to the store owner about returning it for a store credit (their policy is 'no returns or exchanges after 30 days'). i explained what happened and i didn't even cry! well....not until i was safely in the car....and i just got teary....not full on weeping. i needed to do this. i need to let it go. i need to move forward. i need to get rid of the ghost in the guest room. it really does haunt me. for awhile i thought i should hold onto it...because of course i will get pregnant again and of course i will still want it. but, i realized that i don't want it. it is tied to pain. to heartbreak. it is tied to that baby that will never be. even when i get pregnant and finally have another child....will i want to dress it in this outfit i bought for a different baby? i realised it will always represent heartbreak. it will always make me sad. so it felt great to finally take a step to moving on. thinking about letting it go and eventually i can go back and buy a new outfit....when i am pregnant again....with a healthy baby.....and it will only be happy and hopeful and full of joy.

anyway. it felt like a step in the right direction.

my period is over. yay! onto a new month!

i am going out of town this week.....a road trip with my beautiful daughter. i am very excited to hit the road and clear my head and heart. have an adventure with my girl and my pup. let go of some stuff. wind in my hair. radio turned up.

i am pretty sure i will ovulate right after i get hopefully there will be some "i missed you" baby making that happens next week.

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