ok. feeling good (as in less emotional and disappointed than i was last week). hopefully later this week the stars will align and we will GET IT ON perfectly timed with ovulation....but if that doesn't happen, i won't be too upset. i actually need the break...from counting days...noting symptoms, crossing fingers. i think if it doesn't happen, if it isn't even a slight possibility, i will feel much better. at least for this month. at least in theory.
it is funny how i used to have all these rules about when i wanted to get pregnant....like i didn't want to be due in August because i would be miserable and hot and hugely pregnant. or i didn't want to be due in December because of the holiday mess. and i didn't want a February baby because I already have one and it would be good to space out the birthdays (and it kind of sucks to have birthday parties in the winter). Ideally i always thought i would like to have a Spring Baby. or a Fall baby. i like the idea of being in my second trimester in the summer to show off the cute belly.....or to have a Spring baby because then I would have the summer right around the corner to encourage me to get pre-baby body back and enjoy the warmth with a wee one....instead of having a Fall baby and having to bundle them in multiple layers for the first 8 months of their life. I also always thought to myself "i don't want a Scorpio baby....i never get along with Scorpios"..... (um....yeah.....i know)
see.....i used to think about this a lot. and now....well now i don't care when. i DON'T give a shit what time of year, what season, where the moon is, what astrological sign it would be.....i just want it to happen. I now find myself thinking each month would be the PERFECT month to either A) conceive or B) deliver. (and when i catch myself remembering the crazy Pisces i dated that was a total whackjob loser, i push it way back in my brain and try to focus on reality and that astrology means very little...and that i have also dated losers of "signs" i "like"......)
am i nuts? have i come unglued?