6w1d

i vomited my breakfast today.
so it begins.......

bring on the carbs

cravings so far:

noah's bagel with veggie cream cheese, cucumber, tomato and lettuce.

donuts. must be chocolate cake donut with chocolate icing. only in morning. the thought of these any other time of the day makes me want to gag.

smoked salmon cream cheese on baguette.

chicken potpie.


also......i used to have the biggest sweet tooth imaginable. like i could, and have eaten half a layer cake in one sitting. i often eat half a dozen cupcakes without noticing. before the cookies have even made it to the cooling wrack, i have already eaten 3. but now.......not so much. i have no interest...in fact....cookies sound gross! dessert sounds unappealing and now i want to carb load on bagels! what the?!


the funny thing about pregnancy cravings is that they are random....and you become totally fixated on them to the point where nothing else will satisfy and you will drive extra miles and do weird things to conquer the craving.

also...hunger feels like sickness and sickness like hunger. it is slightly confusing. am i hungry? or do i need to vomit? i can't be hungry...i just ate.....but if i don't have a veggie bagel right now i might die. veggie bagel. veggie bagel. veggie bagel.


i am still pretty sure my nausea is going to get worse. still just comes in waves. i am expecting it to kick my ass any day now.

early symptoms this cycle

i have been meaning to post the list of my early symptoms for awhile....and since i keep track on Fertility Friend and my VIP feature is almost expired....i should copy them here before they are gone. so i know this is weird for some people.....but us TTCers.....obsess about this crap. so here are my notes:

ovulation day: holy crap most painful cramps ever tonight
2 dpo: had some tiny fluttering in uterus
3 dpo: thick,creamy CM when i checked CP
4 dpo: lots of very thick white CM
6 dpo: it was abnormally difficult to poop this AM. constipation? little bit of cramping in the evening....and a tiny bit of uterus spasming...lasted about 2 seconds. also....i seem to have very bad gas. stinky.
7 dpo: cramps this morning? in my head? not sure. had weird CM in afternoon..... a glob of wet, eggwhitey but opaque white. but stretchy. CP was low, soft, closed, wet. some pain on right side.
8 dpo: little bit gassy. also a little bit constipated.
9 dpo: kind of feel queasy (progesterone prob). had some random cramps, pokes, pinches (PM). had a bloody booger. and i fell asleep after dinner for an hour and drooled all over the place. lovely. headache for a bit in AM. i feel hungry but i ate 4 slices of pizza.
10 dpo: slept in till noon after i got riley to the bus. lil dull cramps PM
11 dpo: CM seems watery....but whitish. have huge pimple on side of nose. afternoon headache. wanted savory pastry for breakfast. lil cramps, pinches, pokes (had first bfp)
12 dpo: light cramping in AM....still some AF like cramps in afternoon....felt queasy when hungry. had a wave of bad cramps after dinner.
13 dpo: FRER test fainter today. had pretty bad cramps last night. constipated today. pinching/sharp pain on right side. canker sore. SHIT day.
14 dpo: darker test!!! went in for blood test. headache. lots of thick creamy CM, stinky BO. crampy in afternoon. took 2 hour nap in afternoon....but didn't feel tired. (positive blood test)

5w2d

i can't remember when the all day gagfest started with the pregnancy in December.....i am pretty sure it started right at 6 weeks. i was a mess and totally unable to function like a human. i am hoping it is not as debilitating this time...but of course i don't mind if it is. bring it!! i will walk on coals! sleep on nails! i will eat glass if it means i get a baby at the end! so what!? so i will feel like vomiting every second of every day for a few weeks? whatever! that does not even phase me. i can handle it. I CAN HANDLE IT, BABY!!!

so this may be the last few days of me feeling good and able to eat, smell and talk about food. so...shout out to food!
i love you, food. please don't take it personally when i curse you and vomit you up and gag on you and plug my nose when near you. soon we will be together again in happiness. here are some 'personals':
salted caramel cupcake: dude, you are so bomb.
donuts: i never liked you....but this last week you have brought me so much joy.
chicken wings: i may not want you now...but in a couple months we will have quite the love affair.
the "#11" burger from my fave burger place: holy crap you are amazing. the chipolte sauce, the spicy peppers. the smoked cheddar. i heart you 4 eva!!
all healthy fruit and veggies: sorry i have been neglecting you. it is not you, it is me.

so far the only major pregnancy symptom i have is that my nipples feel like they have been tenderized. and i LOVE it. (i will not complain. i want it all!!! just grow, baby!!)

2 weeks from today is the big ultrasound. can't wait!

hcg fun facts

whew! so happy that part is over and the numbers look good!! Doc told me to stay on the progesterone and low dose aspirin and that i will probably stay on it until 8 weeks. He asked if i wanted to come in for an ultrasound next week and i said i would rather wait until 7 weeks so we can for sure see the heartbeat. So now I have to wait FOREVER to make it past the next huge milestone. I will go in Oct 6th for the ultrasound. eeeeeek!!!

side note: i had a tiny bit of pink spotting on tuesday. only there once. teensy tiny bit. of course i freaked. before the spotting i was taking a nice, innocent, peaceful nap. and um......out of NOWHERE had a CRAZY SEX DREAM!!! so, i guess this is common in pregnancy for some women......and before i would have said "sign me up for that symptom!" but after my...um....wet dream..... i had spotting which freaked me the fuck out. so i will never orgasm again. NEVER! and the worst part of this is how i had to explain all this to my very sweet, very handsome DOCTOR. i should have thought this having a male doc thing through......he used the word "climax" and i almost died from embarrassment and changed the subject as fast as i could to prenatal vitamins. (he said the spotting was nothing to worry about, btw)

anyway.....found this fun online hcg calculator deal and it gave me some interesting info. observe:


click on to enlarge








and here are my results:

second number

604!!!!!

first number

230


now we wait until Thursday where it will be double that.

hcg

had a blood draw today and will have another on Wednesday. what we want are numbers that are nice and high and that double. so if on 14 dpo you have around 100....by 16 dpo you should have around 200. i know....complicated. i needed to explain it further. p.s most early pregnancy tests pick up levels around 25.

here is a chart:

on a rollercoaster

after i had a total and complete emotional breakdown yesterday...sobbed and snotted all over my husband...stared out windows...moped around...wrote angry blogs...ruined my contacts with tears...i did some google 'research' and found that sometimes....for a variety of reasons including: different batches of tests and different amounts of pink dye, different times of the day and different levels in urine, ect ect.....that some women have had the fainter line scenario....and gone one to have great levels and have babies.

of course, you can find anything on the internet and for every link that makes you go "oh thank god" you have one that makes you want to shield your eyes and say "oh NO oh no!"

so after my fit of sadness and rage, and then google research enlightenment, i came to terms that it is out of my control and i just should try to focus on being calm. this was difficult because all the cramping was distracting me from my zen state. so finally i started to think of the cramping as a good sign.....because i had no bleeding (more google research) and stayed on the couch and watched x-files and ate pizza.

so i took the last FRER test this morning. while waiting for the results i was saying "it was just a fluke, that test was wrong, it was just a fluke, i am totally pregnant, it was just a fluke, it will be darker today"

and this showed up:












if that does not look like much....let's compare. top is from friday (11 dpo). middle is from yesterday (13 dpo). and the bottom is from today (14 dpo). doesn't the middle one look like an asshole?














let's just pretend i only took this one:














so now i have called the doctor. i am waiting for a call back. not sure if he will actually do a blood test today or not.....he likes to wait until week 5 to start blood tests.


and the dramatic saga of my life continues. next hurdle: blood levels doubling

i hate everything

so the line was much fainter today.

which is bad.

and...with that,
i give up.

i have no answers. nothing to say. no hope. i am just angry and tired of the way my life is. i am done with this dream. all it has done is crush me into billions of pieces.....and it gets harder and harder to put myself back together.

fuck this shit.

more more more!!

because i can't control myself, i bought more tests today.

a 2 pack of clearblue digital tests (because i love to see the word) AND a 2 pack of FRER because i want to see the LINE GET DARKER.

however.....i have been drinking so much water....because being hydrated is very important......that i am sure my pee is super diluted because i have been peeing every 10 mins.

so now i am waiting.

to test again. and then again.


other than this....i swear i am not obsessing. i am just chillin out....reading books....thinking happy positive thoughts totally unrelated to babies.....just happy and loving life.

third times a charm

i was going to wait until tomorrow morning. it is best to test with first morning urine. it is also better to wait and test closer to when you expect your period. i got bored and thought it peculiar that i wanted a savory spinach and cheese dumpling this morning with my decaf latte instead of my normal fruit muffin. i never want savory. ever. savory is gross with coffee.

so i was bored. so i tested. so it was positive. so then i tested again with a different brand of test. i didn't trust the first one because it was a blue dye test that came free with my ovulation prediction kit. why would i trust it? i mean....it is blue!! so then the trusty FRER (first response early result) was also positive. so then i paced around and tried not to vomit from overload of nerves.

then i chatted dan. yes. chatted. with the first one i tested while he was home...the second one i called him to tell him...and the third.....chatted. i will text him the next one. or maybe facebook message him.

so now.....i am not going to get excited. i am not going to use assume this means anything. i am going to take it one day at a time. i am not going to stress. i am not going to even think about it!

so.....here i am.....not thinking about it. do-ta-do....



here is the chat.....and a pic of my pee tests. enjoy.




(click on to enlarge)

progesterone is fun!!

Prometrium:

Side effects may include:
Abdominal cramping, back pain, bloating, breast tenderness or pain, chest pain, constipation, coughing, depression, diarrhea, dizziness, emotional instability, fatigue, headache, hot flashes, irritability, joint pain, muscle pain, nausea, night sweats, swelling of hands and feet, upper respiratory infection, urinary problems, vaginal discharge, vaginal dryness, viral infection, vomiting, worry



i looked this up last night for a very important reason:

i had a bloody booger.

i know.

so after i googled "early pregnancy symptoms bloody booger" and found some inconclusive information that said it may be an early symptom.....i thought i should make sure it wasn't from the progesterone i am taking. you know, cross reference.

look at this gem:

http://pregnancy.about.com/od/amipregnant/a/strangepgsympto.htm


ah-HA!! SEE!!! AND....and......i had some gas earlier this week!! look what two symptoms are NOT on the side effects!


so i had a moment of pure excitement before i realized that there are other explanations. like maybe i was picking my nose too much. and i made chili this week.


now i am feeling depressed. and i have emotional instability. and i definitely have the irritability thing going on. do my feet look fat?

the difference

the difference between "Trying to Conceive" (TTC) and "Getting Pregnant"

(this is just off the top of my head....i could go on and on and on....)



"Getting Pregnant"

-you didn't even notice you were late!!! by the time you finally tested you were 8 weeks already! crazy!

-you say things like "i guess i am just SUPER fertile"!

-you don't have any idea when you ovulate and you sorta remember your last period. maybe.

-you say "it happened the first month after i stopped taking the pill!"

-you think having a double tall latte each morning and a glass of wine each night is "totally fine!"

-everyone knows already because why keep it a secret? you want to share the good news!

-you don't remember having any symptoms.

-you can say something like "it was a pleasant surprise!"

-you don't know where your cervix is, what it feels like, or WHY on earth you would touch it.

-you have never google searched anything about pregnancy




"Trying to Conceive"

-you know how many pregnant women are in the room at any given time. there were 3 at breakfast this morning. 2 at the grocery store. 4 at Costco.

-you can not crack an egg without thinking about your cervical mucus.

-you know the date today because you have been counting days for months and months. i can tell you the day i ovulated 3 months ago. it is scorched into my mind. i can tell you today's date, my cycle day, how many days past ovulation i am and when i am going to test. it is all on the calendar i stare at ALL DAY LONG.

-you order decaf. you take all sorts of pills, vitamins, hormones, tonics, elixirs. you stand on your head. you drink extra water and say "no thanks" to a glass of wine.

-every time your tummy rumbles, your head hurts, you burp, fart, stand up too fast, feel hungry or tired.....you think "IS THIS A SYMPTOM?!!!"

-you and your cervix communicate about 20 times a day.

-you have google searched every possible thing about pregnancy

i will take whatever i can get

don't you hate it when your only symptom in the two week wait....the only thing you have to clutch onto....the one thing that brings you a teensy tiny bit of hope.....is the fact that you have gas? the kind of gas that makes your husband gasp and shoot you a look of terror before running from the room. i hate it when that is the only 'symptom'.

bad day

something is up.

i don't know what happened....but i am in a bad mood. could be the progesterone i started taking last night. but i don't think so.

i keep having this thought...over and over....

"i don't want to do this anymore, i don't want to do this anymore"


i am just tired of it. tired of not succeeding at this fucking thing so many people succeed at. i hate this. i don't want to play anymore. i don't like the person i have become. i don't want to endlessly want something. i don't like feeling so sad all the time....even when i am feeling good through this process, i am still sad....i am either preparing for disappointment, managing my expectations, focusing on the positive things....i am just FUCKING OVER IT. i want to just live. i feel trapped in this fucking maze of pee tests and hormones and hopes and expectations and loss and blood and sperm and i fucking HATE ALL OF IT.

i know i am supposed to be positive. i am just over it.

i just feel like it is time to give it up.

i want to run away.

thanks, Today Show

Today Show: Moving on after a Miscarriage

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

i think it is really important to talk about miscarriage and i have also experienced this feeling that i shouldn't talk about it. i have a couple great friends....but not one that has actually gone through miscarriage. they were supportive but i felt a distance from them. so i looked for support online. luckily, i found other bloggers, i found amazing friends on babycenter. if you have never gone through a miscarriage, you are very lucky....and please remember to be thoughtful to any women who have. it will not go away immediately. you will hear about it for a very long time. please do not make this a forbidden topic....do not tell me to focus on other things. do not tell me to find a new hobby. do not tell me that it happens to everyone and it is so common. this does not make me feel better. thanks and i love you.

mittelschmerz

last night....while watching Mad Men and eating a slice of cake....i had the worst cramps. every so often i get mittelschmerz (love that word!) but they are normally on one side or the other....last night it was in the middle....just like really bad AF cramps. so i bitched and moaned and complained....and then realized i should be having sex, not complaining. so we did. i sorta wonder it this means i have a cyst or something.....hmmm...another thing to worry about. wonderful.

so....now i am on to the next wait.....2 weeks....should go pretty fast, with labor day weekend, the kid starting school, tons of house guests during the entire month of September....i think we have someone here every weekend. so i will have lots of laundry to do and bed's to make.

i am keeping my expectations low, of course. it is only the second cycle of "really" trying....after a surprise pregnancy turned miscarriage.....after 7 months of "sorta" trying but not really giving it a real effort, after a pregnancy and miscarriage 9 months ago, which was after "really" trying for 3 cycles.

anyhoo....

yay for "high" even though it means close to nothing!!