Saturday, September 5, 2009

bad day

something is up.

i don't know what happened....but i am in a bad mood. could be the progesterone i started taking last night. but i don't think so.

i keep having this thought...over and over....

"i don't want to do this anymore, i don't want to do this anymore"

i am just tired of it. tired of not succeeding at this fucking thing so many people succeed at. i hate this. i don't want to play anymore. i don't like the person i have become. i don't want to endlessly want something. i don't like feeling so sad all the time....even when i am feeling good through this process, i am still sad....i am either preparing for disappointment, managing my expectations, focusing on the positive things....i am just FUCKING OVER IT. i want to just live. i feel trapped in this fucking maze of pee tests and hormones and hopes and expectations and loss and blood and sperm and i fucking HATE ALL OF IT.

i know i am supposed to be positive. i am just over it.

i just feel like it is time to give it up.

i want to run away.

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