all the questions in my head

so...it is after midnight.....between CD 12 and 13 (this always confuses me when charting...do i mark it for today because i am still awake....or tomorrow because it is after midnight?) and i just noticed EWCM. i had a negative ovulation prediction test today. i am cramping and have a backache (this could also be from a boating accident). so.......i guess we should wait for a positive test before getting to it.....but i feel like timing this boy stuff is such a gamble. i mean...it is such a crap shoot anyway. i think i will wait and see what the test looks like tomorrow.....and prob end up doing the deed tomorrow night.....but not tonight.....hmmmm.......or start tomorrow am.........
eeeek!

*update*

it is now tomorrow. cycle day 13. tomorrow is today. am i blowing your mind? we decided to try the twice a day until the day after ovulation approach.....starting this AM. (side note: last month we only had sex in the evening of cycle day 13 and i ovulated on cd 15). hopefully this approach will work.....and hopefully ovulation actually happens on Sunday, cycle day 15, or else.....it is going to be a long week....and i am already sore from wakeboarding....i guess some other areas might be getting a workout this week.

weeeeeee! this is the fun part!

i blame the heat for this meltdown

i am bored. BORED BORED BORED.

this cycle is DRAGGING.

is it really only cycle day 10? 10!!

i am going out of my mind.



i am not expecting much for this cycle....i have no idea if i will even ovulate or when. i just feel like my body could be out of whack from the miscarriage.....and the progesterone i was on. i should have asked the doc if the progesterone would affect my cycle. i just feel off. and impatient.

weird....doc called as i was typing that..... regarding all my blood work....and everything is normal. i have no issues. my thyroid is good....i have no clotting problems.....i am as healthy as a horse. a horse that has had 2 miscarriages for no reason other than bad luck. so.....whoohoo? i mean....whoohooo!! he does want me to take progesterone starting a week after i ovulate. and he did say this can lengthen my cycles.....so if i don't get pregnant i should expect longer cycles. ARG! perfect. more time to work on my patience.

this weekend will be fun....if it ever gets here. am i in a time warp? have i fallen into a black hole?

so last night.....we were doing it on the kitchen floor.....what? it was nice and cold on the tile! anyway.....was that an over-share? so....um...yeah...and my husband was like "is it that time yet".... which i thought was SO CUTE because he never has been remotely interested in timing all this stuff and i am so happy he is now. i said ....no.....later this week.....and not until then.....
(you know, for the boy stuff).....which has me a little freaked out....timing wise.....i mean the window is so small anyway!!! and now, with the boy stuff, i feel like it is even smaller!! plus the progesterone stuff from last cycle and now i don't even know it i will ovulate when i normally do!


i need a chill pill. not drinking during this part SUCKS. how does anyone deal with this type of stress soberly?


i might buy some ovulation prediction tests tomorrow. might help me feel better about this month and help pinpoint timing if my ovulation is off.

some things.

big things:

• we might buy a new house. this would require selling the one we have. this means i need to do some serious work involving a chainsaw and a dump truck to remove the extreme amount of devil weeds in the yard to aid in "curb appeal". i should also mention that our house is 70's mustard yellow with brown, yes BROWN, shutters and a metal awning over the front door. so it needs paint. um... metal awning. 70's. yellow. brown. weeds. i am going to try to not have a panic attack. but, oh! looking at real estate.......brings me so much joy!!! so exciting! i mean, it will also be so much work. but a new house! with more than ONE bathroom! i would feel like a queen!

• i think i decided today that i am not going to take a pregnancy test ever again unless i am at least one week late for my period. i know this sounds crazy. and i know you are doubting me....because you should....i am doubting me as i write this. but....nonetheless.....that is my goal. one. week. late. my reason for this is i actually want to protect myself from...myself. if i don't know....i won't worry. i won't stress. i will be oblivious. i will be safe. and ignorance is bliss, my friends. i am really going to fail at this plan. but it is a fun goal, right?

• my husband was frustrated with me yesterday. he said i was being "mopey". this made me want to kick his teeth in. i told him that he was being insensitive and that it was going to take me more than 3 days to be back to my normal self. he told me he wanted me to "handle my depression in a more productive way".....like not showering or brushing my teeth and wearing pj's all day is unproductive? bah! men. after i explained to him that he was, at that moment, failing at being a supportive husband and that what i needed from him was comfort and affection and not him being critical or acting frustrated......he understood. he apologized. we snuggled. and i took a much needed bath. we both feel better today.
  

small things:

• i accidentally took my prenatal vitamin on an empty stomach. blaaaaarg.

• i was aggressively making the bed and flipped the comforter up with such haste that it hit the light fixture above the bed and it came crashing down. now we have a scary hole with exposed wires, spiders, monsters, squirrel nests, etc above the bed.
  

• don't you love it when you buy a new candle and then forget all about it until you are cleaning up before the in-laws show up and then you find it at the perfect moment because you can light it in the guest room and make it smell fresh? i love it when that happens.

• i had a pile of papers from a midwife under my bed.....from december....from before the miscarriage. it was all sorts of pregnancy information...nutrition stuff...and i pulled it out last week for the due date little wheel thing.....and left the pile on the floor. today i went to shove it all back under the bed and the dog had peed on it. all of it. i didn't scold her.... because i kind of wanted to pee on it too. she beat me to it.
  

• remember when i said i was going to be healthy? i haven't started yet. i am living off of cookies and iced lattes. i will start tomorrow. at least i am taking my vitamins.
  

tip

thanks, fertility friend. in other words, fuck like rabbits.

thoughts

i just posted this on my other blog.....but thought i would include it here as well. i try to not talk about baby stuff on my other one.....because that is what this one is for...and i don't really want any readers from my other blog knowing all the details of this process (that is why this blog is not listed on my blogger profile).....but...sometimes i cross over.....



I had some blood taken today for some tests. this is the second time this week i have driven to the lab to get poked and drained. i sat in the chair and it felt familiar. i am indifferent to the process of getting blood taken, like most adults. but, i remember so vividly what it felt like the first time i had to give blood. i remember the long hallway at the pediatrician. the posters of kittens and ponies on the wall. the pain. oh the pain. it was awful and terrifying. i felt sick and like i might die. today i barely noticed and chatted about coffee as each vile filled up.

pain is so relative. when i was pregnant with Riley i remember reading about getting an epidural and being freaked out. a needle in your spine? are you kidding? it sounded awful and terrifying. until i was in labor and the pain of contractions made the thought of needle in my spine sound like being tickled with a feather. suddenly, i didn't care AT ALL about the potential wussy pain of getting an epidural.

and emotional pain.....funny how my many "heartbreaks" over the years feel like nothing now that i know the heartbreak of losing a baby. not that i should compare the feeling of being cheated on or dumped to the loss of life. but i feel like my heart is a numb lump these days.

I have always been against this....the idea of becoming numb after something painful. i was conscious to not put walls up around myself after bad relationships or shy away from potential love for fear of being hurt again....i knew to feel was powerful and to hide would only leave me alone and miserable. and it worked. i was open to love and fell for Dan quickly. it was irrational. i was vulnerable. but it was the only way i could be. and it worked. I love him more truly and deeply than i ever imagined possible....and it happened instantly.

and now...in a different area of my heart.....i feel closed and numb. i feel scared and brick by brick i am building walls. what if i can't get pregnant again? what if i have miscarriage after miscarriage? how many times can i go through it? the first time destroyed me. it broke me into so many pieces. it took months and months before i felt ok. and the second one?

well, pain is relative. it hurts less because i have felt it before. because i have to wall off that area or i would crumble. so i was numb. my expectations were low this time. because now i am overwhelmingly aware that a positive pregnancy test does not mean you will have a baby.

but it still hurts. it hurts in a way that is tangible. that i will feel forever. i feel it every time a hear another woman tell me she also had one. it used to mean nothing to me. oh...you had a miscarriage.....that must have been hard.....but now......now i feel it like i would if i was stabbed. and i want to hug them and cry for their pain. the disappointment and total extreme from joy and hope to loss and despair is completely crushing and disorienting.

but we survive. and hopefully try, try again. next time i am going to wrap myself in bubble wrap and sleep in an oxygen chamber for the first 12 weeks.

Cycle day 3

Thank you for all the kind words. Love you guys! May you never go through anything remotely similar and may you all get BFP's very soon!


I am still bleeding. Was pretty heavy the first day and now it seems like a normal period. Got my blood work back from yesterday and my hcg level is ZERO. which......is good. because it means i had a complete miscarriage and can move on.

I am going back in this week to have more blood work done. He is going to test my thyroid and make sure it is normal. He is also going to make sure i don't have any auto-immune or blood clotting disorders. woohoo! see! this doc is getting SHIT DONE.

my last doc sucked big time. she kinda just shrugged and said better luck next time. i hold a major grudge and will never go back to her. (also...i was left high and dry before christmas and had to find a new doc, on DEC 23rd, to preform a D and C...because my doc was "snowed in" and couldn't come to work.....EFF YOU, doctor dumbo! you lose!)

whoa......progesterone much? i may have some residual hormone issues this week.

Emotionally i feel.....like i need vanilla vodka soda with a squeeze of lemon. or 3.

And after that.....after i am done with this "period".....i am going to be the healthiest version of myself. i am going to cut back on all my loves, er, vices...... sugar, coffee, alcohol.

I will swim and run. i will eat veggies and drink tea. i will make my uterus a happy healthy place. why wouldn't you want to implant here? it is SO nice. man....this uterus is top notch.....you should stick around for awhile. i am going to have so many zygotes wanting my uterus....thinking twins or triplets, people. bah! i wish.

I feel sad but eager to move on. eager to try for the boy (remember my plan? that was only a week ago! crazy). slightly scared for the future and what it will mean, but excited and hopeful at the same time. btw...my new, revised time line:

it's back to just a daydream

woke up to a lot of blood.

so that is the end of that.

third times a charm, right?

this is the most heartbreaking process imaginable.

wait.

feeling better today. i know it is out of my hands. i just have to be hopeful and wait. more waiting. this whole process is waiting waiting waiting. you wait to ovulate. you wait to test. you wait for blood confirmation. you wait to see the heart beat. you wait to make through the first 12 weeks.

i do feel good whenever i feel pukey or when i feel the dull cramping of my uterus growing. i put my hope in these things. that maybe, just maybe, my body is doing what it is supposed to be doing and that it is still possible to get good news on tuesday. to get a good, high beta number.
and if not....well, i am doing everything i can....so i have to find comfort in the "if it is meant to be.." mantra. i am working on trusting the universe.

i told my husband today how crazy it is to all day go from extremes...from joy to fear to joy to fear. and he said i can't wait for this part to be over with. i replied with "am i being annoying? i thought i was being better than last time. at least i am not throwing chairs at you".

and he said.....this isn't all about you, dana.

and i realized he is going through the same extremes. he is here with me feeling fear and joy.....and with so many questions. he just hides it better than me.

sad

i am losing hope. i just feel like this isn't going to stick. i took another test and it is even fainter than before. sure it could have been diluted because i have been drinking a ton of water....and it wasn't first morning urine....but i had held it for 4 hours. and i am 16 dpo. it should be showing up as a stronger positive by now. not lighter.

i will know for sure on tuesday when i have a blood test....but i just don't feel too confident right now.

i started spotting a couple days ago. i went to the doc and was put on progesterone pills which are supposed to help strengthen the uterine lining. i just wish i knew for sure i was even still pregnant.

i told myself i wouldn't get attached. but i am going to be so disappointed. i can already feel it.

the nitty gritty of this month's cycle...for those who like this type of stuff.

for those of you who want to know....because i kept track out of habit...not because i was expecting anything for this month. i am so happy i was wrong! this is crazy! ( i am still in disbelief)

again....we only 'did the deed' once, 2 days before when i think i ovulated. i didn't do any ovulation prediction tests or temperature charting. i base when i ovulated off of my cervical mucus and posisition.


i was really gassy starting at 4 dpo. i thought this was because of the new diet i was doing where i eat a lot of beans :)

5 dpo lots of thick creamy CM, cervix really low and soft

6 dpo still creamy CM. and i had a ton of uterus spasms. i made a note about them feeling like "phantom baby kicks". at one point it felt like half of my uterus dropped and then jumped. it was very odd. could i have felt implantation??? (i also felt lots of these bubbly spasms around 1-2 dpo but thought nothing of it).

7 dpo i made a note that i "slept in til 10:30am" and that i felt really gassy and had cramps. i made brownies that night :)

8 dpo the only thing i wrote was that i went out that night and had 2 beers and a glass of wine. whoops!!!!

9 dpo i had a dream that i got my period. i had a headache and felt crabby and bloated.

10 dpo woke up hungry. i started breaking out on my face. lots of little pimples on my forehead and chin.

11 dpo i had a little heartburn at bedtime and a mild wave of nausea...lasted about 30 seconds.

12 dpo got a faint positive. felt a lot of uterus twinges at bedtime, some side pings of pain, dull cramping. and i had indigestion.

13 dpo woke up starving, headache, crampy and brownish IB


all of this is from notes i made on my fertility friend chart. i really feel normal......i mean....i don't have any extreme cramps and my boobs feel fine. we will see how that changes in the next couple weeks.

i also noticed my cervix felt generally softer and lower during this 2 week wait.

shocked

omg omg omg omg omg

OMFG


so......remember what i said before....about waiting for my period to start so we can really get "trying"? remember when i said i didn't have any "symptoms"......and then i said that i didn't have any with the last pregnancy? remember when i said that one time during my "fertile window, the one sad green dot wasn't enough?

ummmm. so.....
i bought a pack of tests yesterday. to have for next month. and when i got home i took one just to without a doubt know that my period was on her way....so we could move on.....to the next month.....of "really trying"......and it was weird.....there was this light pink line. so light. so freaking light that i kind of thought i was losing my shit. i had finally gone batty.

this morning i re-tested. i used another First Response test and the Clear Blue Digital test i have been saving for months. the line test looked the same as yesterday......but the digital......

























i am totally freaking out.

but trying to stay calm.

i am trying not to get ahead of myself. i need to chill out....until i see a heartbeat.....and then i will start online power shopping for the nursery :)

oh boy oh boy

i don't know...but i think conceiving a boy sounds like WAY more fun:


















what i will be doing later this month....assuming my period shows up by Wednesday:









so today i am 12 days past ovulation.
still expecting my period today or tomorrow. although i did have weird heartburn with a moment of slight nausea last night....but....i have been doing this for enough months now that nothing seems like a symptom anymore. i have had every single possible "symptom" and had the harsh realization that none of them mean pregnancy. and the month i DID get pregnant i had no symptoms at all except cramping on 9 dpo, implantation spotting on 10 dpo, and then i got the positive test on 11 dpo. my boobs got weird about 2 weeks later, and that is when the extreme sickness started as well.

after all these months i actually find myself more grounded. i went from being hyper aware of my body and spazzing out with hope every time i felt carsick or had gas...and now....now i know that sometimes i feel my uterus spasm. sometimes i get gas. sometimes i am tired. sometimes i am weepy and cry at 2pac songs. the only thing to really focus on and spaz out about....is a positive pregnancy test.

finally!

my husband just agreed to finally start REALLY TRYING!!!!! i am so excited.....and can't wait for the next cycle to get here!

it is funny...he said.....can you promise me a boy? and i said yes. i will give you an heir. but that means we actually have to pay attention and time everything right and not just "see what happens" like we have been...and um, of course it has not been working.

(btw we have been watching the Tudors....hence the "heir" talk.....and we both want a boy)


i am so thrilled and if you ever look at my FF chart link...you will see the difference of "really trying" and not really trying. look at the amount of sex in October!!! i mean seriously! i think we only missed 2 days out of the ENTIRE MONTH! and of course i got pregnant that way.

this will be the first cycle in a long time that i will actually be happy when my period shows up....so we can move on to the next one. this blog is ABOUT TO GET GOOD, people.

whoooohooooo!!!!!!

period dream

some people have positive pregnancy test dreams while trying to conceive. i have period dreams.

well....i did last night. woke up like "shit!" and then....after a couple moments....."oh sweet, it was only a dream"

i prefer the first week of the two week wait. it seems to go by faster and feels more promising.

i feel poopy. i have a headache and i am tired and crabby. i ate too much pizza and i feel gross and fat.

tomorrow will be 10 days past ovulation.....again. this means i will probably get my period on monday. and if i don't......you know what i will be doing on tuesday.

stupid chocolate craving

I just looked back through my blog archives. In May I posted about eating cake on 9 days past ovulation. In June I had five brownies on 8 days past ovulation.

Last night I made brownies...again. That was 7 days past ovulation. Today I am 8 days past and had a brownie for breakfast.

I wish I could remember if I baked anything chocolate when I was pregnant in November....because if I did, this wouldn't mean what it is seems to mean.


doh!

stupid PMS.

daydream nursery

i am 7 days past ovulation....and it is boring. so....to curb my boredom......here are some thoughts on my dream nursery....

this changes every few months.....just like my list of baby names.

i really like bright white clean nurseries. i like white or light blue walls, light wood accents and some splashes of cheerful color like turquoise or yellow or orange (so pretty much like the colors of this here blog). i want handmade quilts, baby animal art and bird and owl stuff. but not too themey or cute.....i don't want owl overload or anything.....but an owl lamp, perhaps.

i am pretty sure i want a white crib.

i like some modern stuff with touches of cozy cottage stuff.

here are some of my fave inspiration photos right now:

another day in July

i am still feeling great....as in i am not obsessing about symptoms or non symptoms and i am 5 days past ovulation. i am not going to be upset if nothing happens this month and will move on excitedly to next month (i kind of have a feeling about August).......my cycle is kind of weird this month....more like the timing is weird....i am going to have 2 cycles in July...meaning i already ovulated once on July 1st and then i will ovulate again at the end of July. 2 chances in 1 month! way to go, July!

My new approach to convince my husband to give it a "real" go next month will be this: i am going to be a bridesmaid in my best friends (since kindergarten!) wedding next July. so.....i would prefer to NOT BE HUGELY PREGNANT, in a bridesmaid dress, next July. I would prefer to have a baby in April or May and have at least 2 months to lose some of the weight.

see that? that sounds like a good plan, right? i think he should agree and jump on board, so to speak.

my period is due next Tuesday, July 14th. i am not going to test at all this cycle, unless my period is late. i have wasted hundreds of dollars on tests. it is gross to think about. i am tired of literally pissing away money.

July!

another month that looks like this:









my score is "Good"

i have had the same score for the last 3-4 months. also, i have only had one sad green dot for the last 3-4 months. i can't imagine how great it would feel to have 5 green dots on my chart. i can only hope that my score would say "Oh Hell Yes!"


so i am obviously not getting my hopes up for this month....if it doesn't happen i am going to really push for august. my goal will be to have at least 3 green dots....would that triple my chances to win?


we have more friends that just started trying this month. they got married the week after us. i am really excited for them...they are so lovely and great. i know they will most likely get pregnant right away....and i will feel slightly jealous and sad.....but at least i am getting used to these feelings.....so they don't sting as much anymore. i feel like i am coping much better lately. only took....um.....7 months. yeesh.


p.s. i am really happy we are onto the Springtime "hopeful expectant due dates"...this month would be March 24. I would love to have an April/May/June baby. I was not too keen on the idea of having a winter baby (of course i would have taken one anyway)....who wants to be stuck inside with a new infant? babies need fresh air.....air that isn't freezing.